Oh No, Not Another Couch Guy

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Speaker 1: Hi. I’m Maddison Malone Kircher.

Speaker 2: And I’m Rachel Hampton. And you’re listening to I see why mine.

Speaker 1: In Case You Missed It.

Speaker 2: Slate’s podcast Internet Culture.

Speaker 1: Rachel’s back.

Speaker 2: I’m back. I know you missed me. I would say the last three remaining brain cells I have left are running. Finally, at about 75 to 80%, which means I pass.

Speaker 1: Yeah. You get to go on with your class next year. New grade, new teacher.

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Speaker 2: Thank God the old one sucks.

Speaker 1: Well, I’m going to blow those remaining three brain cells, though.

Speaker 2: Madison, I need those. Too bad I need them.

Speaker 1: I assume I know. I can only hope that you listen to last week’s episode with guest host Moises. Yeah.

Speaker 2: Oh, of course.

Speaker 1: So then you’re safe to say you are familiar with the Louis Theroux rap?

Speaker 2: I was familiar with it before the episode. Excuse you. This is my job, but yes.

Speaker 1: Fair enough. Okay. One, I would like to take a moment to just acknowledge the countless people who emailed DM’d replied to my tweets. If you know me personally, there were several text messages. I am sorry to this man. I did not know that Louis Theroux and Justin Theroux were cousins. I was not familiar with Louie’s work. And this this is an error on my part.

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Speaker 2: You didn’t know they were related.

Speaker 1: The more you know, the more you throw.

Speaker 2: Oh, my God. I really am back.

Speaker 1: I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I’m so obtuse. I will try to be better in the future. But what I actually wanted to tell you is that apparently I have since discovered there’s a small community of people online who think the words are actually not my money. Don’t jiggle, jiggle, but rather my money don’t jingle, jingle. It folds.

Speaker 2: No. No.

Speaker 1: As in my my money. No bills, not coins.

Speaker 2: I understand. I understand the line, but no, I refuse to believe that. And that that doesn’t make any sense, because the next line is, I like the way you wiggle, wiggle with rhymes with jiggle, jiggle, na jingle, jingle.

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Speaker 1: But that’s like an interior rhyme. The real rhyme is the o show don’t fold.

Speaker 2: Which that doesn’t that doesn’t work either.

Speaker 1: Which I think means this is all truly all the time we have left to devote to rapping British documentarians.

Speaker 2: Well, there goes my David Attenborough story.

Speaker 1: Another time, because we have to get to everyone’s burning questions. That’s right. It’s time for another installment of Read Receipts.

Speaker 2: Read receipts.

Speaker 1: I want to see the receipts.

Speaker 2: Once again, we have to say that y’all continue to come through with some truly incredible questions that make me question not only my mental health, but y’all’s A-plus job. Y’all. You are asking shit like, what’s going on with Haley Kiyoko? And is the Apple Health app also selling my biological data or my favorite as in the one that is truly lodged deep into my brain? Oh, God. Is there a new couch guy?

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Speaker 1: We’re going to take a quick break and then we will be back to answer all of these questions and more. And just.

Speaker 2: And we are back.

Speaker 2: Our very first question comes from listener Claire.

Speaker 1: Hi. I see. Why am I. Can you please explain what is going on with Haley Kiyoko and Becca Tilly? I know who Haley Kiyoko is, kind of. I have never heard of Becca Tilley. The Internet is very excited. Please help. Okay. Love to receive a question. Just invented in a laboratory for me.

Speaker 2: I mean, also for me, because Becca Tilley is a bachelor contestant.

Speaker 1: This is about gay rights. Back off.

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Speaker 2: Sorry. Sorry. I will relinquish this one to you. Tell me what’s going on.

Speaker 1: No, I’m getting. You can absolutely tap in with your bachelor knowledge because we all know mine’s lacking. So if you follow me on Twitter, I’m sorry. And I have not stopped talking about this for days, but. TLDR Haley Kiyoko is a lesbian pop star, formerly a Disney Channel star. She was on a movie called Lemonade Mouth, which there’s no reason I should have seen except a nanny to Summer. And I have watched that movie easily 100 times. Now she’s a pop star. I love her.

Speaker 2: She’s great.

Speaker 1: But the worst kept secret for truly years now in the land of Celestia, the Isle of Lesbos, the Reddit threads of Sappho is that there was this rumored relationship between Hailey and a former Bachelor contestant named Becca Tilley. Becca was in the final two in Chris sole season in 2015. He didn’t pick her. She was also in the final five the next year on Ben Higgins season. Rachel, please fact check.

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Speaker 2: Yes. Yes. I didn’t watch Chris all season. I hadn’t started watching. Ben Higgins was actually my first season, so I do remember Becca Tilley. I don’t remember anything else about her other than her name. Like I just know Becca Tilley. Bachelor contestant. And that’s it.

Speaker 1: She had a, like, virginity plotline, if that jogs the memory at all.

Speaker 2: Unfortunately, no.

Speaker 1: Bachelor narrows it down to like 20 potentially in a dominant.

Speaker 2: Narrative on The Bachelor.

Speaker 1: Okay, so for years, queer women, specifically, my group chats have picked up hints and clues that these two were together. I think my like Sapphic Facebook group has been talking about this for so long. I actually thought this was already like Canon on the record.

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Speaker 2: This was confirmed. But it’s it’s not.

Speaker 1: It was not back in 2018. Becca Tilley confirms that she is dating someone new, but she’s been mum. On whom? Fast forward to the present. Haley Kiyoko starts teasing a Bachelor themed music video for a new song called For the Girls and the Girls. The Queers Go Nuts. The video finally drops and sure enough, it’s a full on like bachelor mansion. Roses fights over who’s there for the right reasons. People get pushed in pools, you know, the whole works with Haley Kiyoko as the the titular I guess in this case she’d be a bachelorette handing out roses and in the final shot, Becca, till he appears.

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Speaker 2: Oh, my God. More people should do bachelor theme music videos. This is phenomenal.

Speaker 1: The two are then spotted kissing at the launch party for the song. And we’re all like, okay, like, that’s a that’s a gentle confirmation.

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Speaker 2: Gentle. What more do you want?

Speaker 1: Well, the next day, back until she posts a real full of clips of videos of the two of them together over the last four years of their relationship. I’ve now watched it approximately 100 times.

Speaker 2: That sounds adorable. My little I love love. Heart is singing.

Speaker 1: Including but not limited to telly being at the show where Haley Kiyoko perform with Taylor Swift gay rights.

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Speaker 2: Just saying we cannot get into your Gaylor conspiracy right now.

Speaker 1: Fine, fine, fine. But there is another conspiracy baked into this real, which is the caption Becca writes Hard to say if this is a hard or soft launch, but it is a launch hashtag 95 PE, which is code 95 PE.

Speaker 2: That sounds like that. That fitness thing that people were on.

Speaker 1: Weight.

Speaker 2: Do. That’s an 80, 90 egg.

Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay. It’s nothing like that. It’s the nickname that fans had given to Hayley or the presumed Hayley after Becca, who hosts a podcast on the show, said that she was 95% sure she was going to marry her current partner, 95 pe.

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Speaker 2: Wow. I love this. This is cute. This is one of the best questions. We are very open.

Speaker 1: And they all lived happily and gaily ever after. Happy Early Pride Month Corporations. Please remember you don’t need to do anything except donate to genuinely pro LGBTQ causes all 12 months of the year.

Speaker 1: Anyhow, what’s next, Rachel? What’s next?

Speaker 2: Our next question is from a few different listeners who all listen to our episode about period trackers and they’re asking something along the line of is the iPhone Health app also listening to you? And then Sarah sent us this voice note.

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Speaker 1: I have a question about the periodic tracking app episode. I’ve never really used outside period tracking apps. I’ve mainly just used the period tracking feature in the Apple Health app because I have an iPhone. Can I still use my period tracking feature in my Apple Health app, or is my information going to be hacked, stolen, sold and used for who knows what in the future?

Speaker 1: Okay. Sarah, we will absolutely answer this question. Though I will say we we avoided talking specifically about the Apple app because we wanted to talk to a wider audience. So Android users. Apologies for a brief moment, but if you haven’t listen to that episode, it’s called Your Period Tracker is not your friend. And the short of it is that apps like Flow or Clue and any other app that you’ve handed over biological data to, namely when you menstruate, have been sharing that data with companies like Google and Facebook, and that in the current climate can be very dangerous for some people.

Speaker 1: But the question here is, is the Apple Health Tracker app also doing that? If you don’t use it or not familiar, the health app is pretty much like what it sounds like. So attracts your walking distance, your sleep pattern. My personal favorite. It will yell at me if my headphones have been too loud on a love that I really I do because it’s not necessarily something I think about.

Speaker 2: Yeah. It also now integrates your health record so you can add like your immunization records, your allergies or whatever into this widget. And there’s also the whole medical I.D. thing, which is something that shows up on your iPhone. If you’re ever in an emergency, someone can just look at it and know like what?

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Speaker 1: No penicillin.

Speaker 2: To.

Speaker 1: Exactly. But what we’re describing here obviously is just a treasure trove of highly personal data that you are potentially risking exposure to. So according to Apple, it’s pretty safe. You know, they say that when your device is locked with, you know, your passcode or thumb or your face, all of that data other than the medical ID for emergencies, which Rachel just mentioned, is encrypted and inaccessible. And also, if you’re using a more recent iOS, you should ideally have two factor authentication turned on, which makes your information even further more secure. So Apple can’t read that data when it’s in the iCloud.

Speaker 2: Please set up two factor authentication on literally every phone.

Speaker 1: Every single app.

Speaker 2: It’s very important.

Speaker 1: And if you tell us you did it on Twitter, we will applaud you.

Speaker 2: Wow. I was like, what? What are we giving up?

Speaker 1: A phrase where we are creating a positive feedback loop here?

Speaker 2: We will we will send you a gif of our own choosing and or meme that if you send us without.

Speaker 1: A t, just just to be very.

Speaker 2: Clear. Yes, yes. No GIFs.

Speaker 1: Effectively. What Apple is saying here is they’re doing everything in their power to keep your data safe, anonymous and encrypted. But as with all things caveat emptor.

Speaker 2: So sounds like in terms of cycle tracker apps, the one within the Apple iOS within the Health app sounds probably the most secure. It’s not selling or sharing data.

Speaker 1: Right? So a lot of what we talked about on our period tracker episode is that antiabortion groups can easily acquire by literally just buying data to target and harass people seeking out abortions. That’s still true, but that’s not the data coming from the health app. That’s location data coming from third party apps installed on your phone that also know where you are. So, you know, companies like Safe Graph, which is a data broker we talked about, they can’t see inside your Apple Health app, but they could see inside, say.

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Speaker 2: Flow.

Speaker 1: The biggest butt here, though, is obviously that quite literally nothing on your phone is ever going to be 100% secure. I mean, Apple security breaches happen. Hmm. Just think about it. Every time you get a notification being like time to update your phone. Critical security patch necessary. Those are the moments where your data is most at risk and users having the ability to share their health data with third party apps. Well, do you know what’s going on with those third party apps?

Speaker 2: Not least because all of this makes Apple seem like kind of a privacy saint, which compared to a lot of other places. It kind of is. But importantly, it doesn’t really do nearly enough to make sure that the third party apps available through its app stores are abiding by its own privacy guidelines. So kind of a hypocrite if saying that the app that is installed on this phone when you buy it. That’s good. Anything else you buy through the App Store?

Speaker 1: I don’t near my God to thee.

Speaker 2: But I’m not going to lie. This might convince me to use the health app for my for my period tracking.

Speaker 1: Let’s break the tension. I can take it. Well, Rachel is going to go update her health app. And we’re going to take a quick break.

Speaker 1: We’ll be back with the new couch guy, clown makeup and well, actually, in a rare turn of events. I have a question for all of you. Ooh.

Speaker 2: More on that after the break.

Speaker 3: Summer school. Girls, girls. I like girls. Girls. I like boys and girls.

Speaker 2: If you love our podcast, then I really, really hope you do. Then please consider subscribing to Slate Plus. If you subscribe, you get no ads on any Slate podcast. Most importantly, you will be supporting this podcast. This show would not be possible without your support. Slate Plus really helps keep this show going. You also get bonus segments or episodes on shows like Slow Burn, Amicus, Mom and Dad are Fighting and Big Moon Little Mood and you’ll also get Unlimited a reading on the Slate website, which means you get access to every single article and yes, every single advice column on Slate and you will never, ever hit the paywall. Just visit Slate.com such as you are my plus a sign up that is Slate.com slash. I see why am my plus.

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Speaker 1: All right. We are back. Rachel, what’s next?

Speaker 2: So our next question comes from MacLean. Who if I’m mispronouncing your name, I’m so sorry. Who asked? Why didn’t my boyfriend start getting the email, presenting people and everyday clown makeup on us and sex for page? I want to know. I need to know what? Listen, I have a lot of questions here. At least three. What is everyday clown makeup? Is it like a wearable cloud makeup? Like business casual car makeup like Pennywise in the street? Not like Ronald McDonald in this. What exactly is going on here? I have a costume.

Speaker 1: Me too.

Speaker 2: I just. I don’t know what everyday comic means, but I.

Speaker 1: Carol MacDonald in the sheets.

Speaker 2: You know, little, little, little question to leave y’all with. But I can see my answer. Why the peering, but not what everyday clown makeup is. So the answer to this question is the Instagram Explore page, much like any algorithm, is a bit of a black box because it is proprietary data, much like the tick tock algorithm. Instagram slash Facebook. Last matter.

Speaker 1: Nice.

Speaker 2: They don’t actually really want to fully explain why certain shit it’s a women’s sport page other than it’s based on like previous activity. So the accounts you already follow the photos and video already liked who you do on Instagram.

Speaker 1: What we’re saying is your boyfriend might be a clown.

Speaker 2: I’m not saying to check behind his ear for a little bit of white makeup, but I am saying maybe check behind his ear for a little bit of white makeup.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Rachel, if you check, mind a clown’s ear, you’re going to find like a quarter or a carnation or one of those scarves that never ends.

Speaker 2: That’s even more evidence than the white makeup.

Speaker 1: Marilyn, I’m sorry. We’re. This is a roast of love.

Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah. We’ll continue with the actual answer. There are so many different, like, web pages, like tutorials. Honestly, you could probably find an actual course that costs $2,000 about how to get on the Instagram explore page. But they basically come down to the fact that it’s dictated by something called the feed ranking system, which is not really the question you ask. But according to an engineering post from Instagram, the point of the system is to try and make your export feed look and feel as similar to your home page as possible. Sit with that for a minute.

Speaker 2: So basically, it’s at some point in his history on Instagram or Facebook, your boyfriend signaled to Instagram that he might enjoy some female presenting people in everyday clown makeup. How might he have done this? I’m not going to say clown kink because like, it could be something as simple as he watched or liked reels or photos of people doing makeup. And Instagram is trying to figure out exactly what kind of makeup he might be interested in.

Speaker 1: It does feel like, you know, when you watch YouTube videos, it takes like a half dozen to get to Nazis or white supremacy. It does feel like the way that these algorithms work is they take you to the extreme really fast. Yes.

Speaker 2: Yes, they do. And the only way to get out is to click not interested. So if you aren’t interested in the clown makeup, you can click that. And that does seem to do something.

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Speaker 1: You will get out of the clown car.

Speaker 2: Basically, the answer to this question is, you got to ask your boyfriend. Please give us an update on the situation. I’m really curious.

Speaker 1: Fantastic question.

Speaker 2: Our next question is not as fun.

Speaker 1: It comes to us courtesy of our Twitter inbox. Roll the clip.

Speaker 4: Is there another couch guy? I saw a video of a girl flying thousands of miles to surprise her unenthusiastic boyfriend. It’s even set the exact same music as O.G. Couch Guy.

Speaker 2: As soon as I saw this, I kind of wish for the sweet release of death.

Speaker 1: I have to laugh because we did an episode about Couch Guy, obviously back in October. It is, in fact entitled Tiktok’s. Couch Guy is not your friend. I swear we only ever name two episodes about things that are not your friend and we have to reference them both here.

Speaker 2: This is honestly useful as listeners for making us reference these episodes. I will not apologize for our naming conventions.

Speaker 1: Okay, Rachel, I have to admit, I know nothing about this. I was completely, blissfully unaware. And now I need you to smash that joy for me.

Speaker 2: Yay! I love to smash joy. Before I do that, I feel I must. In case you haven’t heard or in case you missed it, Couch Guy is referring to a phenomena from October in which a girl surprised her college boyfriend in one of those cheesy videos that are all over TikTok. Like actually my also surprise, my boyfriend. Here’s his reaction. Except the thing is a whole. All metric, but ton of people decided that this guy, couch guy did not get up fast enough from said couch to greet her, which meant that the immature sleuth economy on Tok took it upon themselves to not only do a forensic investigation of this Tik Tok, but to harass both parties in this video under the guise of what? Like feminism or some shit. It was wild, it was bad, and it looks like someone didn’t take the clues from that situation and decided to replicate it. But for cloud.

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Speaker 1: I mean it was so bad coz I later wrote an op ed for Slate which we will link to about how painful and awful and terrifying this experience was.

Speaker 2: So the video at four, four, four most tweeted is from a TikTok user at Lauren Ma Pazuello on Twitter. The video has 1.6 million views, which is a lot on Tik Tok. It has 1.2 million views. Also a lot. But we’ve had high tech talk.

Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: But importantly, have our listener noted it is indeed scored by the exact same song as the O.G. Couch Guy, which is an Ellie Goulding song that I would like to never hear again.

Speaker 1: And just like that. Oh, yeah, we are just.

Speaker 2: Oh, let’s see. I just. Did you hear what I said?

Speaker 1: J just. I don’t actually know any of the words in that. I’d like vaguely know what the sentence and verbs are.

Speaker 2: All I know is that saying is. And just like that.

Speaker 1: It’s like all I need, all I breathe, all I see. I think if those are wrong, I don’t care. My money don’t jiggle. Jiggle.

Speaker 2: Oh, my God.

Speaker 2: So anyway, as the song that neither of us likes plays, we see videos of various travel shots from Lauren’s journey. There’s a bus. There’s a plane. I think there’s a train. Maybe there’s a boat. There’s definitely not a boat. I just that that an on screen there are captions and the caption say surprising my long distance boyfriend. And then it says, 14 hours of flying slash 5665 miles and distance from the American flag emoji to what I discovered is the sweetest flag emoji.

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Speaker 1: 5665 miles from Sweden.

Speaker 2: Exactly. Exactly. Then we see the video of the long awaited reunion. And listeners, I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to lie. It’s crunchy. It’s crazy. I didn’t like it. I fully did not want to finish this video because, my God, this girl is so enthusiastic and her boyfriend does not even get up off the couch like she tries to pull him to his feet and he does not get up. I do not know what in the world what possessed someone to post this as an endearing reunion? Unless and here’s where I go from Madison. Unless you know the history of Couch Guy and you were trying to engineer a viral moment. I believe this is staged. I think this is staged. Oh.

Speaker 1: My work here is done. I’m like Mary Poppins. I can leave now.

Speaker 2: I don’t have any evidence, though, besides the fact that.

Speaker 1: Okay, my work’s not done.

Speaker 2: Lauren posted the same clip, not once, but twice. And I’m the very first video. Here’s the most compelling evidence. There’s a comment that reads, When he already made plans. Now he’s trying to figure out how to hide you, which is one of many similar comments. But the thing about this comment, it’s a special comment. You want to know why it’s special?

Speaker 1: I do. I really do.

Speaker 2: Well, almost 16,000 people liked it. And you know who else liked it? You know who was one of those almost 16,000 people?

Speaker 1: Lauren.

Speaker 2: Lauren herself. Why would you like that comment? That makes no sense. Wow. Would you like a comment disparaging your boyfriend unless you were planning this from the start? I rest my case. So yeah, there is a new cat guy, but not really because I don’t think this is going nearly as viral. Maybe people learn their lesson and maybe they realize that it’s someone scamming them, but thank God it’s not going as viral as promised.

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Speaker 1: Our last question comes from me.

Speaker 2: What?

Speaker 1: Moi? No, but seriously, for weeks now I have been seeing tiktoks of people doing this hack to make genes that are a little bit too small fit again. And look, it is a. It is a post. Sitting on this chair for many years sort of economy we are living in. I have some genes that used to fit better and I would like to not have to rebuy. You know what I’m saying?

Speaker 2: I do. I do know what you’re saying.

Speaker 1: The hack is allegedly very simple. You put on your pants, which actually that.

Speaker 2: That seems important.

Speaker 1: You put on your pants and then you get in the shower wearing your pants and you get them totally soaking wet.

Speaker 2: I’m sorry. What?

Speaker 1: Yes. And then you get out of the shower and you let the pants dry on your body.

Speaker 2: What? That sounds miserable, right?

Speaker 1: But allegedly, when you take them off, they are slightly bigger than before. And so what I want to ask our listeners in this very special installment of Read Receipts. Does this work? Have you done this? I would like counsel from the Trusted. I see. Why am I gays before I willingly hang around in wet denim and become like a temporary resident of Chafe City, U.S.A., if you know what I’m saying?

Speaker 2: That’s exactly what I was going to say. I was like, This just sounds like a recipe for thigh chafing.

Speaker 1: But still, I have jeans that I would like to fit better. So if you’ve done this, let me know. And perhaps our next episode, I’ll be coming to you live from our shower again. Yeah, I was going to say, if you’ve been with us since the beginning, you’ll know this is not the first time.

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Speaker 2: All right. That is the show will be back in your feed on Saturday, so please subscribe. It is the best way to never miss an episode. Please leave a rating and review an Apple or Spotify. It really, really helps us finding listeners and also tell your friends about us. You can follow us on Twitter at I see why my underscore pod which is also reconfirms your questions like why is my boyfriend getting everyday clown makeup. Actually, you can answer the question of what everyday comic is. Please actually DM us immediately. You can also tell us what everyday clown makeup is and if you find my on Slate.com.

Speaker 1: I see. Why am I? Is produced by Daniel Schrader, Rachel Hampton and me Madison Malone Kerger. Special thanks to Shayna Roth for helping us produce this episode. Alicia montgomery is Slate’s VP of Audio. See you online.

Speaker 2: Or in Madison Shower.

Speaker 1: So basically it doesn’t have the code it needs to be able to make your data translate to. Madison Men started these eight days of this month and not the other 21. Apparently it’s a leap year.