I Feel Terrible About What Turns Me On. But It’s So Hot.

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S1: Warning this podcast contains explicit language and conversations of a sexual nature.

S2: Hi, I’m Stoya. I’m a writer and pornographer,

S1: and I’m Rich Juzwiak, I’m a writer

S2: where the authors of How to Do It Slate’s sex advice column. This is our new podcast, where we answer brand new letters all about your sex and relationship issues twice a week. You can ask us anything about sex or trying to have sex or not wanting to have sex. We’re here to help. I remember when you introduced the concept of gear fetish to me, and you know, all my fans say photo sets have had a great time this year just acquiring lingerie and latex and props. And it’s not sexual, but it’s professional. Yeah, it like pleases me deeply.

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S1: Oh wow. Wow. From like a collector standpoint? Yeah. Right? And I’m sure it pleases your audience as well. There are people who just love this kind of stuff.

S2: Yeah, but I like I have. I have a bra and panties size for like any any occasion is

S1: important, but I didn’t have a rest. I was invited to a single party and I didn’t have a wrestling singlet, so now I have to. Nice. You know you need this stuff because you might be invited to a party that’s tomorrow. And then it’s like, What are you going to do? Yeah, I had to go to a sex shop, and the only singlets I could find were ass lists. And I just that was not the look I wanted, really. You know what I want covered? Yeah, I want to know more like authentically wrestler kind of look. I had to go with the ass list thing, though, because that’s all I did. I since went on Amazon and got my stuff so nice. You’re prepared, not even what’s going on in my life. This is over a year ago, but that’s

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S2: what’s going out of your closet.

S1: That’s just going on in my closet. Yes. Collecting dust.

S2: So speaking of kinks, yes. Here’s our first letter.

S3: Do you how to do it? I’m a woman with a really horrible fetish slash kink. I am incredibly turned on by people doing drugs. Cognitively, I know how horrible addiction is. I volunteered at a harm reduction facility in high school and college. I don’t want anyone to do drugs or get addicted to them. But my deepest, darkest fantasies involve me watching people do drugs. Seeing drugs in movies or in real life is the biggest turn on. It is in no way ethical to pursue this kink. So how do I get rid of it? Signed to high.

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S1: Well, it’s really hard to get rid of a kink.

S2: It’s really, really hard to get rid of

S1: it, and it’s not particularly recommended by anybody who knows what they’re talking about.

S2: I don’t think people have been pro that this century.

S1: Yeah, kinks will come and go. You may find yourself one day without the kink that you had yesterday, but in terms of consciously ridding yourself of that, that’s an entirely different game. And it generally leads to despair. Think of conversion therapy. I mean, obviously, one’s sexuality is beyond a kink, but I think it’s the same kind of principle.

S2: I do think these things are an innate part of our nature like nurture could have some effect. Oh, totally, for sure.

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S1: But I think it’s the combination of nature and nurture that presents as innate regardless, like it’s immutable. Yes, no matter what concoction of nature and nurture led to it, it just it is what it is and it’s inside of you. And getting rid of it consciously is really dicey business.

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S2: So one thing that I think is less Stacey is going on a search for something else that works just as well. Exactly. I would recommend King Noir and jet setting Jasmine’s royal fetish thing, its royal fetish zacks.com. They have an array of different fetishes and jasmine. She’s thoroughly educated through the academic system on humanity. Psychology, I think, is the word. It’s people who have some awareness and understanding of the impact of what they’re doing and what they’re portraying. Yeah. So you feel like they’re a good place to start. Also Shine Louise Houston’s crash pad series as a lot of diversity. You know, these like little sex acts that may get someone’s attention right and give them ideas, writes little erotica. Has this like vast, free text resource of all these erotic stories? Rachel Kramer, Bustle’s The Best Erotica of the Year has gone on for a number of volumes and has a lot of variety.

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S1: Yes. Now there’s a more difficult conversation to have now than it would have been about a year ago and for several years before that. But there are certainly on tube sites, you know, amateur based tube sites. You can find people doing drugs in those contexts. They’re like slamming videos, for example, of gay men or just gay men smoking meth and having sex. This is something that is Google able, let’s say, if you want to have that porn aspect. Yeah, in there. What do you think about consuming, you know, footage of people doing drugs, a drug like meth, which can be extremely dangerous and life shattering? You know, to certain people, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s like putting yourself in the line of darkness or if it’s like, Well, this is what you’re into. And that video exists with or without your eyeballs.

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S2: So I mean, so let’s start. The video exists with or without your eyeballs. Yeah, when people are money motivated, paying for it means they’re going to make more of it. Chau stuff they get the most money for. That’s what they’re going to make more of. Right? And if their attention motivated, which is a very strong motivator for a lot of the amateur people in these tube sites, the view itself? Yeah. Racks up and gives them what they want out of it, encouraging them to make more.

S1: So you’re playing a role in this economy, this demand that’s, you know, creating the supply or facilitating the supplier.

S2: However, this person is going to be doing these drugs anyway. Right. And they’re an adult who can make their own decisions about what they put in their body. That’s their choice if they’re on my set. Absolutely not. Right. I don’t want someone who’s just taken methamphetamine on my set. I do not consider them able to consent to the paperwork. Right? You know, so that that complicates things and brings up like, so when this person is uploading this video, are they sober when they’re actually pursuing the consenting to put it out there? Are they in a mental place to consent to it?

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S1: Right. You know, a lot of these videos, for whatever reason, go up and down or at least did historically. And you have to wonder, in addition to maybe tube sites not wanting to promote drugs in that way. Also, probably people make their own decisions to take them down after a period of time. It’s all gray area, basically.

S2: Yeah. So it seems pretty unethical to consume sexual content of people on drugs because the probable consent issue. And because the act of consuming encourages the creation of more of it, and there isn’t a way to get rid of a kink. So you’ve got a really hard situation, you have buckets of sympathy.

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S1: And you also have the ability to have a vivid fantasy life that only affects yourself. So if this is just something that you need? You have that option as an out. You have your imagination

S2: and mainstream films like A. Requiem for a Dream, Shia

S1: Trainspotting. I mean, it’s it’s hard to think of, you know, the way that heroine in particular is portrayed on film is erotic. But I suppose if that’s your thing, it might be. I don’t know. To your point, there is plenty of footage that could be used also as kind of spank bank material. Yeah.

S2: All right. Shall we move on? Let’s do it.

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S3: Dear, how to do it. Can women suffer from premature ejaculation when I masturbate? I have an orgasm in about 30 seconds. If my husband goes down on me and maybe last two minutes, sometimes I try to think about something else to distract myself. But usually I can still feel my body having an orgasm only. It’s not as pleasurable. I found lots of resources for men who suffer from this, but not so much for women. The build up to an orgasm is as enjoyable as the orgasm itself, and it almost seems pointless to masturbate because it ends so quickly. I feel like it would be much better if I could last longer. I also have a long refractory period, so it’s not like I can just go again. Everything is so sensitive, it’s almost painful to touch it for quite a while afterward. It feels like something is wrong with me, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m grateful I can orgasm, but honestly, I’d like to enjoy it for longer. Do you all have any suggestions? Signed one pump chump.

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S2: This is a thing. Yes. The thing that I have heard about in the column questions like in the wild. So I would suggest whether you’re masturbating and can just back off immediately yourself or you’re with your husband and you have to communicate to him and then have him back off. Yeah. Pay attention to how close you are to orgasm and whether it’s like slow down or decrease pressure or full stop to stimulation, like play with that and start to have fun with it.

S1: Right? Almost like you’re edging the whole time. Yeah, because I guess that’s what you would be doing. Yes. So as a slight background, there was a study in 2011 out of Portugal. I think it was about 500 Portuguese women of a certain economic status. So it’s biased, et cetera. Whatever they did find that premature orgasm occurred occasionally or rarely in 208 subjects. So that’s 40 percent and 88 women had premature orgasm. Often or always, that sixteen point nine percent. Now this study, interestingly enough, we introduction, is all about how little female orgasm has been studied and how this is the first. As far as the new study of this kind on this issue, which just goes to show how little we know clinically, it’s all very anecdotal. And then in terms of like, what actually to do as a result of it, it’s like, yeah, you gave a really good pointer. Talk to your doctor. I wonder, too, you know, giggles are often prescribed for extending male performance or people with penis performance, because I wonder if they could be useful here, that kind of squeezing kind of bearing down to stave it off. I don’t know.

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S2: Yeah, I don’t know, either. I do know that trying to distract yourself and then having your body go through the process without experiencing any pleasure sucks.

S1: Yeah, absolutely it does. And then it’s you know what she describes, I don’t think is technically a refractory period, but for all intents and purposes, as she describes the sensitivity that makes her unable to continue, it might as well be basically, yeah, I think it’s kind of a little bit different because penile refractory, I think, is a matter of a physiological inability to become erect again, whereas this is like sensitivity, you know, but for all intents and purposes, it just means you’re out of commission. So fair enough, that’s a minor, minor distinction. It’s really tough reading that study, which is called female premature orgasm. Does this exist? It’s just really disheartening to understand how little is understood. And then if we don’t understand it, if this has been one study of 500 Portuguese women, how can a treatment strategy even be developed for decades?

S2: All we talked about were the women who had trouble orgasm right or who had an orgasm and may not orgasm. And the reality is we have all of these diverse, complex manifestations of our sexual response.

S1: And everybody’s different. So what works for you isn’t going to work for them. And I think to that, to your point of basically stop start kind of thing. I think some people might find that frustrating because again, working from this idea of how sex should be sex should be. We both, you know, do oral for ten minutes and then however long have intercourse and we both come at the same time and whatever I’m just talking about, like the kind of like ideal of stopping and starting isn’t part of like my sex script is not part of like what I believe should be happening, but I think it’s just about expanding your mind to incorporate it.

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S2: So the writer mentions masturbation and receiving oral sex, but they don’t mention penetration. Yeah. And I’m wondering if penetration is pleasurable without causing orgasm? Right? And so maybe like, you know, the standard script is oral sex or oral sex, penetrative sex, maybe anal. And if they flipped that and did penetrative sex, then oral sex?

S1: Right? Yeah, I mean, that’s a good question, especially if the penetrative sex kind of is positioned in a way to avoid direct clitoral stimulation.

S2: Yeah, I’m also I’m trying to think of ways that a person could kind of like insulate the clitoris while allowing for penetration. So maybe crotchless panties. Uh-Huh.

S1: It’s just going to require getting creative, basically. You know, it really sucks when it’s. Not able to go the way it’s supposed to go, but live life long enough, and you’ll understand that it’s not going to go the way it’s supposed to go,

S2: you know, slow it down, take it easy and enjoy

S1: like edging is fun, you know, try to get into that. Yeah, OK, that’s all for now, but we’re not done this week. On this week’s second episode exclusively for Slate Plus members, we hear from a letter writer who thinks his wife is overreacting over some particular photos she found after snooping on his computer.

S2: I am not your whore, priest. I will not absolve you. Just my hackles are up.

S1: We’ll sort that out in tomorrow’s episode to hear it. Sign up for Slate Plus for just $1 at Slate.com. Slash HDI Plus.

S2: If you’re in need of sex advice from Rich in me, you can write to how to do it at Slate.com. How to do it. Or you can leave us a voicemail at three four seven six four zero four zero two five and we may use it on the show. That’s three four seven six four zero four zero two five and Slate.com slash how to do it. Remember, this is anonymous and nothing is too small or embarrassing.

S1: Our show is produced by child to how to do its editor is Jeffrey Bloomer. Our letter readers are Shasha Leonard and Benjamin Frisch. Thanks for listening and will talk to you next time.