The Yassification of the Internet
S1: Yas Queen, yes, queen, yas queen again, queen Gosse, Queen, last queen, yes, queen, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Hi, I’m Madison Malone Kircher, and
S2: I’m Rachel Hampton, and you’re listening to i2i my
S1: in case you missed it.
S2: Sleep podcasts about internet culture.
S1: Did you see Adele?
S2: I did see Adele. I saw someone got proposed to at the Adele concert and I was like, Is love real specifically?
S1: Did you see Adele and Oprah?
S2: I saw that it was a two hour special and I thought, I’m going to wait for the highlights to resurface on Twitter. Did you? Did you
S1: watch that? I did the same thing, mostly because I simply knew that at some point they were going to talk about Adele’s weight loss, and I know I just didn’t want to ruin my Sunday night.
S2: Oh, you mean Oprah? Queen of WW, Weight Watchers, whatever the fuck is now love’s bread? Well, the wagon load full of fat. Of course, I’m going to talk about her weight loss.
S1: They inevitably did get into it during that interview with Adele that aired Saturday night along with that concert. So we thought we would bring you the most important voice in that whole conversation.
S3: I was and I was body positive then, and I’m body positive now. But it’s not my job to validate how people feel about their bodies.
S2: And that’s the only person we need to hear from on Adele’s weight, ever.
S1: But since we’re speaking about physical transformations on the show today, we’re going to talk about your gasification, a funny trend that may already be past its prime.
S2: But first, you know them, you love them. High speed downloads are back after the break. Son and I will be absolutely speeding through an Instagram post from Vin Diesel and his decade long beef with the rock and Shailene Woodley bizarre Insta story where she talked about Aaron Rodgers.
S1: Dick, thank you so much for this Shailene. I really didn’t have anything else I wanted to do with my time this week. Aaron Rodgers Dick coming up after the break. And we are
S2: back with some high speed downloads in case you’re new here. High speed downloads, the segment of the show where my husband and I get one minute to tell you everything you need to know about some random shit that happened on the internet. In case you don’t like listening to people talk really, really fast. Maybe change your podcast playback settings to like point seven X. If you do point five X, it sounds like we’re drunk,
S1: which is also fun. Yeah, I was going say, that’s fun too. Like, we’re not not telling you to do that.
S2: Yeah, we’re just we’re in case we don’t want you to be surprised. But Madison, I think your first today.
S1: I am indeed, and I am going to talk to you about one Shailene Woodley.
S2: I. I can’t wait. I’m going to be honest. All right. So you have one minute on the clock to tell us about Shailene Woodley three two one go.
S1: OK. Shailene Woodley rose to fame on ABC Family Secret Life of the American Teenager. Incredible show. Go Watch It! She also starred in The Hunger Games knock off. She was in Big Little Lies. She’s known for having some peculiar bunk wellness habits. Let’s say, even for an actor like eating clay and making her own medicine, you can’t do that. Don’t do any of those things she’s currently doing Aaron Rodgers, the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. That’s a football team. I know things about sports. He recently revealed to have lied or admitted some truths about his vaccination status to the NFL. He’s the former boyfriend of Olivia Munn, who got a new face. Eating potatoes is now having Tom Delaney’s baby that Aaron Rodgers. The Daily Mail published photos of a masked guy getting coffee they misguided as Aaron Rodgers, but obviously that wasn’t him because Joe Rogan’s friend Aaron would not be caught wearing a mask in the year 2021, where if I can ask people. But Shailene called out the misidentification in another way by posting an entire story circling the man’s shoes quote, I know Aaron’s body very well. First off his feet. No offense is random. Dude are a lot bigger. Winky face your god are people date men. OK, like Shailene, please tell me more about how tree bark or something. That’s what we did. Come to think of it. Shailene Woodley the Green Bay Packers. There might be something there. She goes on to point out that the man’s hands aren’t hairy enough and.
S2: Did I know you did not, Nancy Shailene, Woodley. Oh my God. And time honored high speed download tradition. You have one more thing you get to say it can include a dick joke.
S1: She likes to say there were a few more slides in that Instagram Story I didn’t get to wear. Shailene points out that this guy’s hands aren’t hairy enough to be Aaron Rodgers and that Aaron Rodgers would never drive a car like this guy drives which. I think I can’t finish this thought without making some sort of dick innuendo.
S2: I’m trying to make the innuendo and I can’t quite get there.
S1: We’ll leave it at that. Don’t eat clay
S2: Shailene if you’re listening to this.
S1: Yes, don’t eat clay and also don’t eat rocks. Which brings me Rachel to your wow.
S2: Download a transition to beat all transition
S1: and iconic transition. So Rachel, I spoiled it a little bit. But what are you talking about today?
S2: I am talking about none other than Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Vin Diesel who. Our just have a beef to be the most muscle man in town.
S1: I love it. You’ve got one minute on the clock. Three, two one go.
S2: OK Vin Diesel, star of the Fast and Furious franchise. You know, we’re all family here. We like to drive cars anyway. I’ve never understood why he’s black or not. That’s not really the question here, but like, hit me up if you understand. Anyway, he thought I had a beef with the rock ever since The Rock Dwayne, the fast food franchise, a Fast Five because both men are like, extremely conscious of how they’re portrayed on screen, like they refuse the least fat, like they refuse to lose bites like Vin Diesel had his sister come on to set to count the number of hits to make sure that he had more hits than the Rock. It’s honestly kind of fucking crazy. Anyway, attention first came out in 2016 when The Rock posted on Instagram, calling a certain male candidates for being, quote unquote candy asses in 2018. The right kind of was the be talking the tension of two different philosophies, but they literally won’t film Fast Furious movies together anymore, like the rock like spin off to do Hobbs and Shaw because they wouldn’t be in a fucking movie together. But also, Hobbs Shaw has Jason Statham, who also has a flexible contract, whatever anyway. Wright didn’t appear at Fast Nine, where the car went to space,
S1: and second, they
S2: took the car to space. Anyway, about empathy was over. Last week, Bentley’s on Instagram call in for his little brother Dwayne the comeback to the franchise fest, and he said, I love you must show up. Do not leave the franchise.
S1: Sorry, I do. I will allow you the sentence. But first I must exclaim. The car went to space the car with the space. They took the car in space
S2: and fast nine, and it was the funniest show I’ve ever seen.
S1: To move from the ghetto. Lot of space.
S2: You know, nobody’s going to leave for. That’s not the other sentence. Yeah, I’m going to
S1: say, per the high speed download bylaws. Give us your final thoughts.
S2: So last week, Vin Diesel posted on on Instagram and said, I say this out of love, but you must show up. Do not leave the franchise. You have a very important role to play. Hobbs can’t be played by no other. I hope you rise to the occasion and fulfill your destiny. And no, I did not add fulfill your destiny again.
S1: I just. Amen. OK?
S2: No, they’re not. I would like to state, for the record, that there are a lot of women in the Fast Furious franchise who are always fighting each other, and none of them have these these disputes. So, you know, I’m going to leave that there.
S1: That’s it for Housby downloads today. But we do want to take a minute and say, if you ever have an idea for a high speed download topic, something you’re dying to hear about at a breakneck pace, tweeted us. Email us your idea. Carrier Pigeon probably won’t do that. It’ll probably be stale by the time it gets here. Our email is icy. Why am I at Slate.com? We’re going to take a quick break to catch our breath. Call our pulmonologist and we will be right back. Thanks so much for listening to I.C. Mai-Mai. If you’re enjoying what you’re hearing, consider subscribing to Slate Plus, which lets you hear us and all of Slate’s other podcasts. Ad free starting at just $1 for the first month, you’ll get unlimited reading on the site and plenty of slate plus bonus audio content to subscribe. Head over to Slate.com. I see. Why am I? Plus? Yeah. We’re back to talk about Gasification Ossification newest trend that crested the comedy wave recently with the Classification Board on Twitter. But first, I think we need to have a little vocabulary lesson, Rachel. What is the ossification?
S2: Merriam-Webster defines the
S1: immediate, immediate C minus on this paper.
S2: Well, the internet’s version of Merriam-Webster know your meme said. The classification first appeared on Twitter around August 2020, when a Twitter user who goes by the name of puppy overalls tweeted, I’m choking on the gas, the case gas. But like most things on the internet, declaring a kind of patient zero is a recipe for someone saying that you’re wrong. So let’s just say that the suffocation kind of happened. Post Broad City,
S1: dude, I thought we were cool, not a log there to some Jesus house. No, you bobo by mounds of this fancy.
S4: Take it back to beacons, and so out of it, the student has become a teacher. Yes, queen, yes. Queen, yes, queen.
S2: When white women started overusing yours, I
S1: was going to say We, we simply must. Yes, this is my blanket apology. This is a call in my fellow white women.
S2: Are you listening? Are you learning?
S1: Do ya? I mean less? Do less?
S2: Oh my god. So for the very uninformed yards before Broad City got a hold of it actually originated in ballroom culture around like the late 1980s, which is like a queer subculture that is incredible. Beautiful watch. Watch Pose. And it was kind of adopted by the wider queer community in the late 1990s before, like, I don’t know to say, making its way over because ballroom culture and black culture are kind of inextricably linked. But I would say it made its way over to heterosexual black community culture around like the beginning of the 2000s ish early aughts and then with the advent of social media and white people, got more access to black and queer people than they ever had before. They decided to do what they did to us that they did with Fo Shizzle, which is run it into the goddamn ground.
S1: This is a bit of a homework assignment. Before you may ossify go watch Paris is burning, watch some pose and then download face tune.
S2: And after you’re done doing your homework, you can think on one of the, I think, most popular over uses of yours that everyone kind of knows, which is Lady Gaga fans standing outside of her home just screaming, Ya Gaga. I don’t even think it’s always our home. It’s just anywhere Gaga might be.
S1: Well, it started. It started at like a red carpet, right? It was like one specific fan, I think, at the VMAs. Probably, yeah, I think I’m remembering this correctly was a fan of the VMAs screaming, Yes, Gaga, yes, Gaga. And then the subsequent fallout was that obviously the boss did not come to, like white queer fans of Lady Gaga fully formed, sprang of their brain when they had a headache, right? This was language co-opted from black culture.
S2: Greek mythology.
S1: Yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. We got to play it right. Yeah.
S4: Gaga, I am.
S1: And that brings us to where we are today. Ossification.
S2: So you also vacation actually was part of this kind of funny like he’ll turn in the train where I think like Broad City yachts became synonymous with straight white women. But then it kind of came back around. So you classification actually basically means to kind of make something more queer. There’s this incredibly exemplary tweet from like October of 2021 that says poppers are the justification of whippets.
S1: Brief pause for you. Hi, mom. I know you’re Googling this. We’ll give you a second. The way you see the phrase used on Twitter now is most often like the classification of X. But then around the beginning of November of this year, you pacification becomes something else. Rachel, when was the first time you saw a classified image on Twitter?
S2: The first time I saw it was around, I would say, like beginning of November, end of October. And it was a Toni Collette in Hereditary, which to be clear, I haven’t seen. I can’t watch horror movies. It’s it doesn’t work for me, so I don’t really know what’s happening in this scene. But in the original scene, it looks like she’s screaming and looks terrified, as one does in a horror movie. And then her entire expression kind of changes to like. I am the supreme and in the ossified version that transition to I am the supreme is to one where she just has this like heavy Ijy glam like a perfect blow blowout looks a bit like a thing like. If Hillary is because she’s in a horror
S1: movie, be sure to check out our Twitter account at I.C.. Why am I underscore Pod? We know this is a very visual gag and hearing it described is not as satisfying as seeing it. So we have tweeted a bunch of pacified content to help you fully get where Rachel’s coming from.
S2: But Madison, you’ve seen this, right?
S1: Yeah, I mean, I think we’re describing on sort of a broader level on a nitty gritty. These photos look like if you took a still of a celebrity or even a picture of your own face and then face tuned it within an inch of its life. So skin no longer has pores. Lips are just plumped and botox like perfect highlighter, flawless bone structure, eyebrows arched towards the heavens. The kind of images where you see them on the internet and you go, Well, that’s not what that person looks like immediately to a creepy degree.
S2: Yes, the kind of humor of this meme is is at its highest point. When it is an image that should wear the ossification is completely it should not exist there. I saw one of you know that photo of that woman during the Great Depression Dust Bowl era, and she has like four kids and it’s like a really powerful photo and it’s in every single fucking history textbook.
S1: Yeah, my grandmother by Dorothea Lange.
S2: I’m with you. Damn. Imagine that you ossified. No. Yes, I would like a photo be
S1: like wax Owens. Thompson has suffered enough. She did not need this, too. She was exploited for that photo and her family never saw a dime. She did not deserve this.
S2: The funny thing is, like instantly her kids are justified to fuck her if if that is when the humor is at its highest. So there’s this there’s this bot on Twitter that is created in November that basically takes the joke and kind of runs it into the ground. But it starts on a high note with a yasya fied version of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.
S1: Describe this photo to us.
S2: I was about to say it’s impossible to describe this photo, OK?
S1: Would you try anyway?
S2: I’m going to try anyway. Imagine, imagine Joe Biden. All right. You have a picture of him in your mind.
S1: Yeah. I want Joe Biden. I need Joe Biden.
S2: Mm hmm. Imagine him with a full head of hair like silver fox head of hair like kind of giving a little bit of George Clooney. No wrinkles, basically a full beard, and this is the ossified. This is the by Joe Biden. Yes, by Kamala Harris. Honestly, you just have like longer hair and a full beard because you know a cab. But Kamala Harris is a beautiful woman.
S1: We’ve threaded a bunch of our favorite gas. If I bought tweets over on at ICI, why am I underscore Pod for you? Brace yourself for in no particular order. Renesmee from Twilight, Professor McGonagall, Robert Pattinson, Tobey Maguire from Spider-Man,
S2: and so many more. But I got to say I kind of feel like the bot has taken it too far like we have. We have gone back to the point where it’s no longer funny because it’s really only funny when the original photo is of a person that isn’t like professionally beautiful. At this point you asked for a bot is just putting a photo through phase two and just picking a random person off the street and by random person. I mean, like K-pop stars or Penn Badgley, and it’s like, What are we doing here? They’re already beautiful. It’s not that funny. You’re just putting men in wigs, and that form of comedy was dead a long time ago. Can I just say a saw in Belgium on the streets of Brooklyn recently? I just had to drop that in?
S1: Wow. A brag.
S2: He’s a short king.
S1: The trend has, of course, also made its way over to Tik Tok, where people are using face app filters to classify themselves.
S2: The Tik Tok trend is set to the song Fair Shopping by Selfie, Who Rest in peace was in like a musical genius stream. It’s OK to cry, so we’re going to play the kind of sounds sting that all the tech talks are using and then once again describe this incredibly visual
S1: gag my face. In this video, there’s a person with a full mustache and beard and hair pulled back. And then when the when the sting hits, the hair comes down into like a perfect lob. The lipstick is perfect. The skin again. No pores, simply no pores.
S2: The no poison is a very important part of this face. That journey,
S1: I might say it’s the most important part. Like, can one truly be ossified if one still has pores?
S2: So the Tik Tok trend features people saying things like just snorted a jazz pill. And there are also videos under the sound of people being like, How do I find myself? Because it kind of looks like it’s just a tick tock filter, but it’s not. It’s a specific app, and everyone in the comments is not giving any helpful notes. They’re just saying you have to double your dosage of your Yaz pill or you have to go snort some justification gas. And then there’s like the lone person in the comment that’s like FaceApp tutorial here, which shout out to you. Good growth hack.
S1: I will say. I think if you want to go to your ossification school, like take pacifying 101, you should head over to Callista Gingrich’s Instagram. Newt Gingrich’s wife, this woman has been Yass defying her face and Newt’s face forever, forever. They have not had a poor since the Instagram was invented.
S2: And, you know, for a fact that they have poisoned real life like their wrinkles. It’s not even like they fully photoshop out the wrinkles. It’s just like they look like hills. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s wild. It’s uncanny.
S1: Valley talking about Callista Gingrich, though, is actually sort of a funny place to end on this because the ossification we’re all in on the joke, right? This is a bed. We’re not like changing the way that Tobey Maguire looks to make him look like he’s in drag because we think we’re improving his face. It’s sort of a funny smart commentary on people who use these apps in earnest, like aggressively over, shop their faces and think no one’s going to know. They’re going to know. OK, we know.
S2: How will they know?
S1: They will know because I will take a screenshot of the photo you posted. Wishing your boyfriend happy birthday and text it to Rachel saying their faces don’t look like this.
S2: Madison, I think we’re going to talk about this hypothetically.
S1: Of course. Hypothetically, of course.
S2: Mm hmm. And on that note?
S1: Yeah, that’s.
S2: All right. That is the show. We’ll be back in your feed on Saturday, so definitely subscribe. It’s free and the best way to never miss me saying yours. Ironically, of course. Please leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. Tell your friends about us. The perfect Christmas gift for anyone in your life is to subscribe. So I see why am I on their phone for them? You can also follow us on Twitter at I See Why My Underscore Pod? And you can also damn sure questions. They’re like yours. And you can also always drop us a note. I see. Why am I on Slate.com? Who knows? We might have you on the show.
S1: I see why am I? Is produced by Daniel Schroeder, our supervising producer is Derek John. We’re edited by Forrest Wickman and Allegra Frank. Alicia Montgomery is executive producer of Slate Podcast and a special shout out to Amber Smith. See you online
S2: or in a car in space. Three, two, one go.
S1: Shailene Woodley four, Schroeder. Can we do that again? Nope. Please.
S2: Yes. Oh, sorry, sir, that wasn’t saying no to you. I was saying no to my clock. I was telling it to stop. All right.
