Why You Need Parenting “Friendlies”
Speaker 1: Welcome to Mom and Dad of Fighting Slaves Parenting podcast for Thursday, November 10th for Finding and Keeping the Parenting Friends edition. I’m Jimmy Lemieux, a writer contributor to Slate’s contributing parenting column and mom to Naima, who is nine and a half. And we live in Los Angeles.
Speaker 2: I’m Elizabeth Newcamp. I write the Homeschool and Family travel blog. Dutch Dutch Goose. I’m the mom to three littles. Henry Who’s ten? Oliver who’s eight and Teddy who’s six. We live in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Speaker 3: I’m Zak Rosen. I make another podcast called The Best Advice Show, and I live in Detroit with my family. My oldest, Noah, is five and my youngest, Amy, is to.
Speaker 1: Stay on the show. We’re continuing our special friendship week. Elizabeth joined forces with the mom. Our podcast hosts Meghan and Sarah to answer all your questions about making and keeping friends. Then on Slate Plus, we’re going to see exactly what type of friends we are. Here’s a sneak peek if you have Slate Plus. It’s a really profound question for me. In ten years, Naima will be in college. Yeah. So in theory, I could be traveling the world for many millions of hours online. But I do want another child.
Speaker 3: So what are we breaking this year?
Speaker 1: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we’re going to share some triumphs and tales. We thought that in honor of Friendship Week, we could share some friendship related triumphs and fails. Zach, what do you have for us?
Speaker 3: Well, I mentioned this group of friends that I have in my interview with Marissa Franco, but I’m going to talk about them a little bit more as my triumph. So basically there’s like this group of eight. We were boys when we met. We were like five when we met, and we are still like best friends and we are in constant contact. I didn’t realize how unique it was until I got into my late teens and twenties and now thirties, and now I’m nearly 40. And for a guy to to have this many guy friends from kindergarten, it’s pretty special. And some of us are here in Detroit, others are and spread around the country. But we’re in touch all the time. It’s like kind of one of my foundational. Relationships.
Speaker 3: We’ve actually had like a rough a rough couple of weeks in this group. One of my friends just lost their dog. Another one, a newborn baby, has been in the hospital for three weeks. Another one just lost his uncle. And we’re just like all on top of that news, helping each other grieve, helping each other more and helping each other set up meal trains. It’s something that I have learned to be super grateful about. We take this annual. Trip where we hang out and like, don’t get super drunk, but just talk and maybe take some edibles. And it’s like my favorite weekend of the year and I’m just. So, so glad to to be in friendship with with the Mongols. That’s what we call ourselves, them anglers. So a triumph.
Speaker 2: Are you guys all just very intentional about staying in contact, like making sure that you’re touching base?
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, it was so much easier growing up because we went to school being 12 together. But now it’s like, you know, we have a monthly zoom call. We have this Discord group, which is active daily. We have the annual trip. And so kind of between those three layers, right? Yeah. There’s there’s there’s always kind of a check in or a or a hangout around the corner. Before COVID, we had a monthly dinner going for the locals. We actually haven’t reinstituted that, but I think I think it’s safe to now. So, yeah, it is intentionality because, you know, most of us are married with kids now. And so it’s it’s hard, but it’s like we do the zoom check in at like 9 p.m.. You know, kids go to sleep once a month. So so yeah, we’re, we’re intentional about it. And we all, you know, we’ve all kind of made our own friends outside of the group, but this is kind of like the first wall of friendship, the inner circle of friendship. I officiated some of their weddings. It’s really special.
Speaker 2: That’s really cool.
Speaker 1: That is super cool. Is that I’m so jealous and I wish that I had been set up for lifelong friendships like that from such a young age. That’s super cool. Elizabeth, what about you?
Speaker 2: Okay, so I am taking a friendship fail, but this is to share with you that making friends is super hard. But when we moved to the Netherlands, that was probably the hardest time I have ever had making friends. I mean, I think one, the pool was so small of just like people that were willing to be friends with someone that was didn’t speak Dutch and was only going to be there a couple of years. And that’s just the Dutch are for all of their wonderful things are not a particularly like warm culture. Once you get into a circle, they are incredibly warm and welcoming, but they are very like, This is our group. We’ve had our group forever. They’re a small country, right? So finding friends is really hard. Finding friends.
Speaker 2: I spoke English. I knew just from moving that like one of the things I had to do was just like, go to things because if you are not at things, you cannot meet people. And so like I heard from a friend, like a friend of a friend did this yoga class in my neighborhood. And so she was like, Do you want to go? She can get you in. I was like, okay, great. So I agreed to go to this yoga class and one I didn’t really know the like friend of a friend. Like she was nice enough. She spoke some English. She was like, Yeah, come with me. The yoga class was like, in this woman’s attic, which is very common there. And I didn’t really know any of the customs. Like, it was just so awkward.
Speaker 2: And then this person, like, basically offered me nothing else other than like, here’s the address. I will also be at this this class. So I show up and I sort of assumed and this is very like American exceptionalism, that because I was there, maybe I would be given some instruction in English. I was not the classes in Dutch. And then the teacher kept insisting the only thing she would say to me in English, by the way, all of these people speak English because everyone in the Netherlands speaks like 12 languages. No joke. She just kept saying, You have to close your eyes in this class.
Speaker 4: I was like.
Speaker 2: Well, I don’t really speak, does.
Speaker 4: Not.
Speaker 2: Include anyone is doing, but here is the fail you guys. I went back to the class because I went back for like like eight or nine weeks because I was just like, this is a touchpoint for me. And it turned out to be like a really funny story that I would just share at expat things. And it also is what kind of pushed me over the edge to just like when I heard this woman speaking English at a park to be like, Hey, I was like, You seem to be speaking English natively. Are you to here? You know? And it turns out, yes, She was an expat from Canada and became one of my best friends. We actually had a connection through another another place as well. But if your friendship is going bad.
Speaker 5: At least you’re.
Speaker 2: Not in a Dutch yoga class. Try to make friends where the instructor keeps telling you to shut your eyes.
Speaker 3: Did you keep them shut?
Speaker 2: Well, what I did was I would like peek. You know, I ended up taking my hair down and I, you know, it could like, fall in front of my face and, like, trying to peek or, like, peek through my eyelashes, because, honestly, there was a chance I ended up, like, in tree when everyone else was like, savasana, because I didn’t even know I knew a couple like hand, you know, whatever Duolingo teaches you, which is not the names of the poses in Dutch, you know, like no matter what you do down our dog does not sound the same, you know. So I luckily there was some flow. So I kind of knew, like the good thing is the practice kind of goes in the same the same way. But yes, I was like, afraid too. I would like fall asleep or something, and.
Speaker 4: Then.
Speaker 2: I would just be stuck there. It was terrifying. It’s real. And what about you?
Speaker 1: I read. My brain on this one, and I’m just going to give myself a try up and say I’m very excited that I booked tickets for us to go to New York for Thanksgiving this year. We are going to see our friends, which is important. She hasn’t been back to New York and so she misses my friends. I miss her friends. We miss, you know, the city. And we’re going to see our people for the holiday.
Speaker 2: Those, like touchpoint visits are so important when you’re living across the country, you know.
Speaker 3: Definitely sounds great.
Speaker 4: I think that’s also.
Speaker 1: Where we’re going to take another quick break. And when we’re back, we’re going to jump into Elizabeth’s interview. All right, we’re back. So the mom, our podcast is kind of a big deal in the parenting sphere. Elizabeth, can you tell us why you wanted to have Meghan and Sarah on to talk friendships?
Speaker 2: Okay, so Meghan and Sarah actually became friends through kind of like their work and blogging, and they have had just like so many life changes and have remained friends. And a lot of what they talk about on the Mom hour is kind of this friendship thing. So I wanted to bring them on to answer a bunch of your questions. We reached out to the listeners on Facebook to ask what kind of problems they were having, making friends or keeping friends.
Speaker 2: The nice part is that with Meghan and Sarah and I, we all have kids kind of in different ages, but we are largely out of that kind of easy. Like you can make friends at the breastfeeding group or make friends at some kind of like small kid parenting thing, which makes it a little bit easier. And in fact, I’m one of them kind of has all older kids, so they’re even out of the like meeting other friends, you know, through parents of kids. So it’s really nice. We we just took on a bunch of questions from our listeners and just kind of talked about our feels in making parenting friends and what we learned from that, and also some advice on things that that have worked for us. And don’t worry, in the end, I end up friends with both of them and I’m stuff like email and keeping up with them so you can come on our journey to talk all about making and keeping friends as you enter this kind of parenting sphere.
Speaker 6: Hi, I’m Meagan Francis. I am a co-host of the Mom Hour. I live in Michigan and I have five kids who are ages 13 to 24. So big brood and really excited to be here.
Speaker 5: Yeah. So I’m Sarah Powers. I am Meghan’s other half on the Mama podcast and my kids are nine, 12 and 14. We live in Santa Barbara, California, which is the town I grew up in, and we moved back in the early days of COVID, so I’m living again in my own hometown.
Speaker 2: How long have you guys known each other?
Speaker 5: We have known each other on ye olde Internet for 11 years. I think I did that math this fall and we have been working together for ten of those and we’ve been podcasting together for it’ll be eight in March, like seven and a half. So we met as writer, blogger, internet content creator people and really had like a almost a business acquaintanceship first and then friendship came with doing projects together and starting the podcast together in 2015.
Speaker 2: That’s amazing because I don’t know if it is like COVID or just the season of life, but it seems like we are getting like way more questions on the podcast about how you make friends, like parents posting, Hey, I don’t I don’t understand why I can’t find people. And so I’ve kind of boiled them down into some of the bigger, bigger topics, although we’ll dive into some specifics. So it seems like a lot of the questions kind of come from parents who have had a change in their life. They’ve had to move or they had, you know, their third kid, their fourth kid. So all of a sudden, kind of the friends that they had, that core group is, for whatever reason, gone. And now they have to kind of break into an already established group. Do you guys have any tips for that?
Speaker 5: I mean, I have a lot of.
Speaker 6: Let’s say, commiseration. How about that? Can we start there? Yeah, Yeah. We’re all really out of practice. I’m an extrovert and I used to be a total social butterfly, but now multiple invitations or activities on my calendar and one week really stresses me out. I’m just not like I’m kind of out of practice, so I’m just putting myself now in the position of being a mom with little kids coming out of this 2 to 3 year weirdness and saying, Where are my people at? Even if I had them before now, where did they go? And have they all like splintered off into different groups or is everyone just like hiding under a blanket at home? So I think that the the thing you have to do that’s the hardest thing is put yourself out there and be willing to be the awkward one and maybe just be kind of more honest than seems cool. Yeah, like this is so awkward. I know it’s awkward for me and for you, but this is how it has to be because we all feel weird.
Speaker 2: I definitely read into some of these questions that people think it’s supposed to be easy because it was so easy when you were a kid. I mean, maybe it wasn’t easy when we were kids, but we like, thought it was easy, right?
Speaker 6: We don’t remember.
Speaker 2: Everyone’s looking for friends, But I, I feel like we need to acknowledge that, like, we’re all. We’re all looking for friends again.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Like, almost adjusting our own expectations of what friendships even look like at this stage of life. I have found myself really craving what I think. Meghan, you’ve called friendlies before. People around my town and community who know my name, know my kids names, but like, maybe that’s maybe that’s all we ever get to. I just went to a back to school night for my seventh grader.
Speaker 6: And people were like, Hey, Sarah.
Speaker 5: Hey, Sarah. And I was like, Hey, this teacher, hey, this teacher. And I just had this little, like, moment of hope of like, okay, it took two and a quarter years, but some people know my name and I know some people’s names. And I guess where I’m going with that is if our expectation is the right or die like bosom buddies, then we might have found in the nursing moms group when our kids were being. So we just felt so like intimately connected. That may be a high bar to meet right now. So I write me. A lot of it is really getting clear with identifying like what friendship hole in my like collage is kind of weak or missing and maybe that’s not something super deep. Maybe right now I’m just looking for local friendlies as I think I’m going to say.
Speaker 2: I love that term friendlies, because I definitely we’re military, we move a lot and I don’t really feel like we’re settled until I have that, until I can run into people at the park or at schools and be like, I know you from here, I know you from here, like those kind of moments. But I do think that some of it is this idea that, like we are looking for something so much deeper and that that comes over time.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 2: How do you guys make those friendlies, though? Because I think it’s work. And I think I mean, Megan, you kind of hinted at this that like, you have to be awkward.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 2: To be ready to be rejected. But do you guys have any like, like, tried and true.
Speaker 5: Guess I am fairly quick one and just something I’ve had to do. I have had to reintroduce myself who I am and who my kids are and what my name is. Yes, way more than I thought I would. And it’s a little vulnerable because you think they don’t remember me like I’ve met that. But I am also sometimes the person who doesn’t remember them. It really does go both ways. And some people are better with faces and names and with masks. And like the way that we met over the last two years, it’s just having a huge amount of compassion for other people and yourself. And I’ve just started being radical about it. I’m Sarah. My kid is read. He’s in seventh grade. I think we met at that one thing like last year or I think we also saw each other at that this thing. Or maybe not, but that’s my name and that’s my kid’s name. Tell me your name again. Remind me your name. Like, I’m just sort of like, I don’t know, radical about it now. And it’s a good first step because everyone now, I don’t think anyone will fault you for reintroducing yourself or. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Even it. Even if they remembered you. Right. I think it’s such a nice courtesy to just not. I always think of it as like. I don’t assume that anyone remember, Right.
Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking Sarah too. And you were talking about really craving the friendlies that I hear just from just as many moms on the other side who would say things like, I just I want that sister friend. Yeah. And it’s kind of like they remember in college, like when you stayed up all night in your dorms with that person. We don’t have those opportunities anymore. And when we do as moms are usually circumstantial. It’s usually like you mentioned. Yeah, it’s because everyone’s sitting around with the baby the same age you’re going through the same thing, like going through this intense time.
Speaker 6: And I think that one of the hard things as we tried to make one friendship do too much, you might have a person who could be that sister friend to you, but their kids are like ten years older than yours, or they don’t have kids at all, or they live in a different state. Those people might be totally different than those casual encounters that you can have and just show up for a girls night out and just those people are what they are. You’ll be friendly with them, you’ll say hi, you’ll have a great time, you’ll go home and that’s it. You’re not necessarily going to bond with anyone in that group deeply. And that’s okay because different groups and connections can meet different needs.
Speaker 2: I love this idea of like looking for a bigger group so that you’re not putting any pressure on any one person because that can be a lot like you come into a front of being like, You are going to be.
Speaker 4: It like mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. That’s okay. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Meghan you talked about being vulnerable and I want to go back to that because to me the thing I do to grow friendships is ask for help. And I think that’s really hard for people. Like I look for opportunities to ask people to help me on things that I maybe only need, like that I could probably work out my Hey, can you pick can you grab my kid after school? Okay. When we’re all walking home, Right. Hey, can you. Do you mind picking up my books at the library? Because to me, it forces them to deal with me, which is. But I think people are scared of it. I think people are scared of asking for help because we’ve been told like, well, you’re supposed to have your act together and no one will want to be your friend if you don’t if you don’t have it together. Is that kind of how you see that vulnerability piece too?
Speaker 6: Oh, yeah. I mean, I’m thinking like nobody really wants to be good friends with the person who’s got everything together and never has any any needs, Right. Like, that’s so intimidating. And on the Marmara, we’ve answered questions about making my friends a lot by saying or even asking for help. Asking for help gives the other person an opportunity to not only help you, which feels good, but also to ask for help. So it’s like actually opening a door and actually it’s a total gift. I think it’s a gift to ask somebody for help because look at the the door you’ve just opened for them to be helpful and then for them to know that they can do the same with you.
Speaker 6: So, yeah, part of that vulnerability is asking for help. And sometimes that might just be being really honest about the fact that this is really hard for you right now and you’re trying to figure out how to make like how to make this work. Friendships are hard, and I think you can even be that honest. So it could be asking for a practical help, but it could also be like, help me, help me be friends with you. Like, not in a weird way, you know what I mean? But I think that that vulnerability is it’s really appealing. I love it when people are like that with me. It makes me really want to connect with them.
Speaker 5: I think it’s such a good reminder and it’s so much harder in practice than just talking about it here on a podcast. But being new in town, I have had to check the kneejerk assumption that everybody’s got their social circles figured out. So I know I want in and I know I have to do the work and be vulnerable. But I’ve made big assumptions about like, well, they don’t they don’t want to go to this thing with me, like they already have their people. And just a reminder that you can live somewhere for 20 years and have had kids in the same school system for a decade and still be lonely. Loneliness and like friend ups and downs have been for all kinds of different reasons. You mentioned like having a new baby or like going in and out of the workforce. So I think that’s another maybe takeaway is just gut check that assumption that I need them, but they don’t need me. They might need a new friend as much as you do.
Speaker 2: I think it’s okay in those those cases to to like, make it kind of humorous. When I moved here, there was like a neighbor casually mentioned that there was a group of women that met for wine, and I was like, Is there a way to apply? I would like.
Speaker 4: To apply for a spot in this group.
Speaker 2: And I literally think I asked enough times that they were like, okay, Thursday when I came, you know, they totally joked like, Well, this is your trial.
Speaker 6: Here’s your initiation.
Speaker 4: Okay, I brought this great bottle. Yeah. You know.
Speaker 2: Like, but I think. That helped make it. Like, I know you guys are already a group and I’m really looking and I mean, I think I point blank was like, I am looking for a group that does this that like our children are at home. I can walk. We all live two blocks from each other. And now when I see you at the park, I know your names, but mostly our function is that like we leave the husbands with the kids and, you know, we get together to, like, chat about what’s going on and have have a glass of wine. But it is really awkward to be like, please accept me.
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: Oh, gosh, this may go back to this like looking for one friend to fit all of those things. But let’s say you meet another mom and you’re chatting at gymnastics or something. Sitting great. You guys get together and either like you parent to totally different or your kids do not get along. In all of these questions, I sort of said that ends the friendship.
Speaker 5: I would say first, if it truly is a friendship you want to grow and nurture because you really actively enjoy the person, don’t just think you should be friends with them because you know your kids are the same age or whatever, maybe looking for kind of a neutral activity that there is like a thing to do to invite them to like, Hey, this author is doing a book signing and I don’t have anybody to go at that comes back to that vulnerability piece like, I’d really like to go, Would you be up for that? I don’t think we need to feel bad about not wanting to spend time with two couples where the spouses or partners don’t match up. Like, that’s not a guilt. There’s a moral judgment inherent in that. It’s just like, that’s not going to be the way this friendship progresses.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and I think your spouse would be like, Thank you very much. I didn’t want that anyway.
Speaker 4: But didn’t mean, why are you making.
Speaker 6: Me be friends with these people? But I think that another thing I’ve experienced now having kids who are all teens and young adults, is that differences in parenting styles matter a lot more at certain stages of your life than they do at other stages of your life. And that, in fact, some of the people I have the most in common with now, as a mom of teens and young adults, I had the least in common with when they were really little. Sarah I think you and I would have parenthood very differently when we if we had like, known each other in real life. Maybe it’s good that we didn’t. And if we got together with our kids now we have and they get along great and we get along great because all of the stakes have changed. All the things that we felt like were so crucial and important in those days. It turned out we’re just one more way of doing things and we both have great kids. And so that’s like one side of it.
Speaker 6: I think the other side is sometimes it’s more of a it’s not just that you disagree about things like, I don’t know, timeouts or whatever. It’s that maybe the way they’re parenting is actively impacting the way you’re parenting or you don’t feel comfortable parenting your way in front of them or with their them and their kids. And that’s what I think. Sarah’s totally right. Like, let’s just keep this separate.
Speaker 2: Did you guys ever do meet ups either? I mean, I guess even now where the kids are not like the main focus because because I have like friends where I am meeting up at the park, because they are like, we are meeting up so the children can play and I could take or leave the like, it’s fine, right? And we can sit and chat. But I also do sometimes make my kids go like, Hey, we’re going to go play. And you do not have to play with these other children, but we are all going to be at the park. You know, I try to not have those at the house, right, Because that’s awkward. We’re going to go somewhere. And if if you guard like, hey, they don’t want to play. But yeah, but like, I don’t care if they bring a book, but I try to tell my kids that too. Like we are going and you are welcome to play with them or not play with them. But I’m going to like go on this walk or sit with this mom. But I think moms feel guilty about doing that kind of I mean.
Speaker 5: I actually think and I’m glad we circled back to this because it was it popped into my head earlier. But it’s so good for our kids to see us actively pursuing joy and leisure and friendship in our lives. And I don’t think you have to lecture your kids about it. But I do think that putting some language around like we just moved here and I don’t know a lot of people, so it’s a little bit scary.
Speaker 5: But I’m going to ask, you know, Joey’s mom to go for coffee with me or I met a new friend today and I feel really excited about it or like, gosh, I hope I see so and so again, like verbalizing that it’s so good for our kids to see that that awkward, brave space is okay. We want our I mean, our kids. There’s little kids who sometimes will do it naturally, walk up to somebody on the playground and say, Hey, you want to be my friend? But there are other kids who do also really struggle with the same things we’re talking about. So it’s a model that I think is great. And then to your point, saying sometimes like, we’re going to prioritize Mom’s friendship Today we’re meeting up with my friend. They’ve got a couple of kids. You may or may not connect with them, but this is like, I’m looking forward to this for myself. And that also, in its own way, is modeling, prioritizing those relationships. And I think that’s all that’s all good.
Speaker 2: No, it’s so good. One of the kind of nuance thing that was asked is that we have a new stay at home.
Speaker 4: Mom.
Speaker 2: And she isn’t quite sure how to ask. Ask if other moms are stay at home moms because she feels like it puts them in a position of like trying to justify what they do. And she doesn’t want to do that. And I suspect also this has me reading into the question that she is feeling a little of that, like she’s a new stay at home mom. Like, is this valuable? Is this not valuable to society? View me as valuable, Right? So she doesn’t want to ask. I think what she really wants is like, Hey, are you available.
Speaker 6: To help during the day? Yeah, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 6: What are your hours? Right? Yeah. Well, Elizabeth, the thing I was actually going to say is, like, these days. What? Like, what is a stay at home mom anymore, anyway? Like, everything has become so fluid. People are at home for a little while, then they’re back in the workforce. Or maybe they really are opting out, you know, for an extended period of time. And that definitely happens. But there’s moms who work from home, this moms that have corporate jobs who sometimes are still available during the day. There’s moms who work second or third shift. So like like you’re available pool of moms may not all be people who would term themselves stay at home moms. So maybe that’s not even the right question to lead with. The question literally is, hey, this is the time that I’m available. My office hours, our friendship office hours are X, Y, and Z, and then you kind of start sussing out the rest. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I love this, um, this office hours idea. I feel like I should get a little card, man.
Speaker 5: I used to have, like, for this thing, I feel like.
Speaker 4: Yes, I feel like.
Speaker 2: Moms need them, you know? I mean, I put in all that stuff in my phone. I don’t know if any. Like when I meet someone the minute I leave with their with their number, which I want to talk about getting a phone number. But I put all of that in my phone, like I’m like, this is his mom. They are. This is like I met them at the park during this time. I learned this information about them. Yeah, because I find that really helpful. I also feel like this this woman asking, like, go out in the middle of the day and if the person is out in the middle of the day, they’re probably regularly available, right?
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yes.
Speaker 2: Like if Tuesdays at ten are good for you, go to the park Tuesday at ten and see.
Speaker 6: Yes. And then. And then. Does it matter if the mom who’s there at Tuesday at ten, if she happens to only have Tuesday at ten off. No. Because you know that day she’s available. So does it really matter what she’s doing the rest of the week if you just really want to make that connection?
Speaker 2: Do you guys have any tricks for getting getting phone numbers? Because I feel like phone numbers are this sounds like a dating game show, but it is kind of like dating. Like you have to get the phone if you get the phone number. And in my opinion, you text in that first week’s time, your aunt, you’ve converted.
Speaker 6: I’m sort of a master at this, but I have a feeling in a very different way than Sarah is. So, Sarah, I’m going to share the way I do this first.
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 6: Pretty much any conversation with me, the last more than ten or 15 minutes. I am always coming up with something. I can text the other person like, Oh my gosh, I just read this article here, give me your phone number. I could texted to you really quick or take a picture of their kid and mind playing. That’s your true picture. I’m going to.
Speaker 2: Texters. Can I send you this picture? And I’m the same way. I did not come up with it. I’m not tricking you into getting your phone. No. Gotcha.
Speaker 6: This sounds very sinister. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah. It’s like, why do you always have people’s phone numbers? I mean, because I’m always texting them pictures.
Speaker 6: Yeah. And then I will often text them again, like that day. So I don’t forget because I’m terrible about remembering and put people’s names in my phone and then it falls off and I have no idea who they are. So then it’s like, Hahaha, wasn’t this funny? And then you send a couple of funny little texts back and forth and now you’ve created a slight rapport. Yeah. Even if it yeah, that doesn’t mean anything and you don’t have plans. There’s a reason to get back in touch.
Speaker 5: This is community building as much as it is friendship acquisition. So I will often ask in a like first meeting and this fall follows kind of a nice time to do it because people really are running into each other. And then Elizabeth, I do what you do, which is I immediately text them my first and last name and my kids name and the spelling, because that way, like, like to your point, Meghan, it’s easy to be like, well, we had a nice conversation. I kind of remember your face, but like, now I’ve got to remember your name again or your name’s not on my phone and is that the same person? So and that often prompts them to do the same. And so, like, I’m Sarah, like they even have, like, you know, my last name if they need to or whatever my kids name. So it’s more about just like grabbing it, getting it in the phone and then building that network because I’ve had to build mine kind of from scratch.
Speaker 2: Since both of you have older kids, that does seem to be one of the places people really have trouble because they were like, Oh, I was making friends because I was at school and I was sitting here and I walked my kid, you know, like in the carpool line, that kind of stuff. Now my kids are walking themselves, managing their own social schedules and like friends have gone to different schools. I feel lonely and don’t know where to meet people. Like, where are you meeting the people? If not, if not the playgrounds in the library?
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 6: Sarah, I’ll go first on this one. I guess. Like I think for me, when my kids were school age was when I personally made a big shift away from making friends through my kids. Like they stopped being the focal point of my social life for a lot of reasons. One of them being the thing that we mentioned earlier, which was like I, I couldn’t seem to find friends that I wanted to hang out with, who my kids wanted to hang out with their kids. Like, it just didn’t seem to work that way. So I started getting involved in other things in the community that just had nothing to do with kids.
Speaker 6: And school age is a great time to do it because they’re busy with their own stuff and at some point they’re going to be old enough that they can just opt out. So you can say, Hey, I’m going to go to this thing. There’s going to be other families there. Do you want to come? And they can say no. And so you just leave. So it’s really worked out well. I did community theater for quite some time. I haven’t for a while, but when my kids were of the age where they could have gone, like to the potlucks and hung out backstage and some of them wanted to and others wanted nothing to do with it. And that’s okay because it wasn’t for them, it was just for me. So yeah. And so what do you think?
Speaker 5: Well, I’m struggling with this just in real life right now, so I can say that out loud. I guess I almost see the question or the challenges like two pronged. One is how do I build rapport with parents in my kid’s social circles so that it doesn’t feel awkward because when kids have their own phones and make their own plans, it’s really a it’s an alienating. It’s a new feeling. I shouldn’t even say it’s weird because I’m sure it’s eventually not weird, but to like, have your kid spending time at someone’s house and never having met the parents is very different from the younger kid. So one is how do I achieve that? At least friendly status, but the other is where do I find my people? And that’s to Megan’s point, that is not in that group at all. So it’s like both. I think both are hard and both are important. And I’m not sure I have much advice except to commiserate.
Speaker 6: Well, Sarah, do you have you noticed now that your kids are doing their own social planning via text or whatever? Am I never doing this for a long time now? They’re terrible at it. Well, they’re terrible at it to the standard that I would like them to hold. So the details are so vague. They kind of seem to expect that they’ll just like their friends will just appear when they need them. It’s really weird the way that the details they leave out. So I have a text thread. I have text threads going with several of my kids, friends, parents, moms, usually right where we just I’m like, Does anyone have any idea what’s going on? Because what I’m hearing from Clara is that there’s a sleepover tonight. Yet I have no indication from any of you that that is the truth. And then we all just kind of go, Oh, they’re terrible at it. And then that’s like, like kind of making fun of their terrible planning skills as how we stay in touch. And sometimes that’s kind of all we do. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: It’s like, that’s it.
Speaker 2: But that’s kind of all. I mean, for that, that’s all you need, right? I think this goes back to having the different friends like you need to be in touch with these people. Because when you need to be in touch, you’re going to need to be in touch. Like if something happens, these are people you want on your team. And the way to do that is kind of this date. It’s like, okay, we’re all in this boat together and it’s a mess.
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah, But they don’t necessarily have to be the people that fill your.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that’s exactly right. You know, one thing I am trying to be a little better at is remembering that younger teenagers, especially, still need help planning social things and hosting something. If you feel brave enough to host four or five older kids or young teenagers for a sleepover or like a crazy like night of appropriate age, appropriate fun, I’m sure those other parents would be happy to be in touch with you. They’d be thrilled that there’s like a safe and fun activity again with that vulnerability piece leading with what do I want for my kid, but also for my burgeoning network. And sometimes you may want to be the host and you will have a different relationship with those parents after that event, especially if it’s like a bigger event, like a sleepover or party or something.
Speaker 2: Well, you guys, this was such a joy. We’re so thankful you guys could come on. I just this is like the perfect for all the questions that we’ve gotten. I feel like this was empathetic, but also like, boosting and lots of little tidbits. And both of you can expect messages from me trying to convert this into an Internet browser.
Speaker 4: Awesome content.
Speaker 6: I’m happy to give you my my digits.
Speaker 4: It was the hours are open.
Speaker 1: And that’s it for our show. We’ll be back on Monday with the question and everyone’s favorite recommendations. So be sure to tune in. And while you’re at it, please subscribe to the show wherever you get your podcasts so that you don’t miss an episode. If you’re looking for a fun parenting community, don’t forget to sleep.
Speaker 7: It’s a great way to have fun.
Speaker 1: It’s interesting that a mom and dad are fighting is produced by Christine Powell next to an Rosemary Belson. For Zak Rosen and Elizabeth Newcamp. I’m Jamilah Lemieux. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1: All right, Slate Plus listeners, let’s keep going. In celebration of Friendship Week, we thought we would turn to the ultimate resource to figure out what sort of friends the three of us are. That is, of course, a BuzzFeed quiz.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we’re taking it right now. And listeners can join. You guys can join us. The links in the show notes, if you if you want to stop and take it or don’t take it, why you don’t.
Speaker 3: Take this quiz while you’re driving for sure.
Speaker 4: I feel like you shouldn’t say that, right?
Speaker 2: Do not take this because I don’t think. Okay. The first question is how many people do you call your best friend? Okay. I’m too many to count. I think your best friend is like a clock.
Speaker 3: 3 to 5.
Speaker 2: A friend.
Speaker 1: I’m 3 to 5. I also think of it as the classification of friend. Like, I don’t have, like, a soul mate. Best friend. I wish I did have one of those. Like, it’s me and you. And we’re besties, and we like to share dresses. But I haven’t ever had that. And but there are three or five people that are among my best friends.
Speaker 2: Gosh, I feel like depending on what I’m talking about, you can find a professor for sure. My work. Besties.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 1: Sure.
Speaker 3: What do you see yourself doing in ten years? Studying to become a doctor, gaining millions of followers online, raising a beautiful family or traveling the world.
Speaker 2: I’m going with traveling the world.
Speaker 3: I’m raising a beautiful family.
Speaker 1: That’s a really profound question for me. In ten years, Naima will be in college. Yeah. So in theory, I could be traveling the world. Yeah, many millions of hours online. But I do want another child. So what are.
Speaker 3: We breaking this year? I don’t know that you want another child. I don’t know that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do love it. Get married and have another baby. Cool.
Speaker 2: Every year for Valentine’s, we threatened to do some kind of, like, matchmaking.
Speaker 1: We.
Speaker 3: It’s time to go swimming.
Speaker 2: So, Rosie Christie, you heard it here. We’re doing it.
Speaker 1: We’re putting out an APB for black men in the L.A. area above six feet tall. We’ll just start there.
Speaker 2: Is that you? And I have to help find people? That was the. That we would. We would knock down men that meet her specifications.
Speaker 3: And you can she to the show to it. Like if you know people that are in L.A. that are.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Have we ever invited people to write in for for.
Speaker 1: No I don’t think we have to.
Speaker 3: I think mom and dad at Slate.com. If you have someone in mind for Jamilah, six feet tall, black L.A..
Speaker 2: And at the end, you’ll know what kind of friend she is.
Speaker 4: Yes. So that’s a good.
Speaker 2: Offer to people, Angie.
Speaker 3: And there’s 300 hours of her talking about being a parent, which will help the prospective fella as well. So you’re raising a beautiful family. Like. Like me, too. We love it. Okay. You wanna read the next one? Yeah.
Speaker 1: How would your friends describe you? Hilarious, stylish, witty or caring?
Speaker 3: You can’t choose all of them.
Speaker 2: I’m going. I’m going to go to hearing.
Speaker 3: Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that’s for sure.
Speaker 1: I think. Trucks. Yes, for sure.
Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. Okay. So who’s your favorite YouTuber? Well, none of us know any of them. One of them is Bretman Rock, the other is Tana Mongeau, Danny Gonzalez or Emma Chamberlain. We’re just old people, I guess. I have seen like one of my Chamberlains videos and it was decent. So just by default, who’s the only one whose name I recognize? So I guess I’ll go with Amber Chamberlain.
Speaker 1: I’m going with Emma because I like her outfit.
Speaker 2: I will choose Danny. I don’t. Okay, There we go. Danny.
Speaker 1: Oh. Voice Question What’s your favorite song? One Day by Emilio Monteiro Okay, call me by your Name by a little Nasdaq’s Blinding Lights by the Weekend Cardigan by Taylor Swift. The only song of These That I know.
Speaker 3: I’ll go with blinding lights.
Speaker 2: In true white girl fashion. I’m going with Cardigan and Taylor.
Speaker 2: Okay, we have What Zodiac sign are you most compatible with? Aries, Libra, Cancer or Gemini?
Speaker 7: I don’t know.
Speaker 2: I don’t Jamilah advise us. Advise us here.
Speaker 1: I don’t know a lot about Libras. Naima is an heiress, my father’s heiress. I’m on the cusp of cancer. Areas are headstrong, creative. They are so involved. And Geminis are two face. And in this case, we can’t.
Speaker 2: We can’t have a. Every time Geminis come up.
Speaker 1: All negative.
Speaker 2: It’s all negative. But I’m a Gemini. But I’m not offended. It’s fine.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 1: You’re my favorite gen. I did not realize you were gay.
Speaker 2: No, it’s okay. I’m on the cusp for Taurus, so I, like, legitimately sit on the cusp.
Speaker 3: So I’m going Libra. There you go. A lot of my friends are Libra. She is a Virgo, but that’s not an option. So I would choose them.
Speaker 2: I was just looking at Jeff’s sign. Jeff’s a Libra, so I’m going Libra.
Speaker 3: To Libra as Jamilah.
Speaker 1: I’m going with cancer. I’m on the cancer. And I’ve always enjoyed the cancer people. Okay.
Speaker 3: What’s one thing you can’t live without? Friends? Tick tock, Chocolate or sarcasm.
Speaker 2: I’m going friends.
Speaker 3: Friends? Jamila, how about you? Chocolate.
Speaker 1: Okay. Great. Pick the animal you relate to the most. A horse shark, Wolf or dove?
Speaker 2: Really quick, though. Is the dove A picture of a seagull Is a seagull. A dog.
Speaker 1: That is a seagull. That is a seagull.
Speaker 2: I don’t relate to the wolf, but it is the cutest. Yes, sure.
Speaker 3: I’m going along just because.
Speaker 1: I’m going with the dove, because it looks like a seagull.
Speaker 2: Okay. I will also go with the dove.
Speaker 3: Okay. It’s a seagull. Great.
Speaker 2: I’m choosing Dove also.
Speaker 3: What do you value most? Family loyalty, joy or justice?
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 3: My gut is telling me joy like that was the first thing.
Speaker 2: Too. But then I was thinking, is that shallow? I think because I. I would make choices for other people over joy. But I already started caring.
Speaker 3: We know you’re caring.
Speaker 2: Okay. Joy, Joy, Joy said Joy.
Speaker 1: And like joy is it goes with family.
Speaker 3: Okay. Right.
Speaker 2: Drumroll. Who wants to go first? Okay. Zach, What are you.
Speaker 3: The mom? I’ll be.
Speaker 2: I’m the mom to you all.
Speaker 3: I’m also mom and mom aren’t fighting the mom. You always put others before yourself, and you never let your friends go through difficult times alone. They’re lucky to have you.
Speaker 4: It’s true. It’s true.
Speaker 2: Okay. If you took this quiz and you got something other than Mom, we need to hear it.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I want to know what the other options are.
Speaker 2: Oh, my gosh. Okay, we’re going to.
Speaker 3: Put the link in the show notes to this really scientific BuzzFeed quiz.
Speaker 2: We want to know what kind of friend you are. Now, you know, we’re all the mom, which I guess just means this is the perfect job for all of us here.
Speaker 1: Well, that was fun. Slate Plus listeners, thank you for joining us on that wild ride.
Speaker 3: For humoring us.
Speaker 1: We’ll see you back here on Monday and be sure to join us on Thursday for another bonus segment by.
