This Episode Will Not Bum You Out

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Speaker 1: I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and only be happy.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Hi. I’m Madison Malone Kircher.

Rachel Hampton: And I’m Rachel Hampton. And you’re listening to I do.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I’m mean in case you missed it.

Rachel Hampton: So please podcast about Internet culture and Madison. I’ve got some bad news, but I went to get a haircut and I asked for a trim and I came out with half my hair gone. So that’s all the bad news we can handle for today.

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Speaker 1: That is such an.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Acute and specific pain. And I do think you should feel comforted knowing that myself and anyone listening to this who’s ever had a haircut go awry. We feel for you. We feel with you.

Rachel Hampton: It’s real trauma because for the past I you not like five years I’m like I’m growing my hair so it’s going to be long. I’m going to have inches. And every single time I think I’ve made progress, I find a scissor happy stylist who’s like, Hey, you look really cute with short hair. I’m just going to give it to you without any fucking input from you. So now I’m, I’m, I’ve been set back, I think at least like a year, a year or two. And yeah, I immediately bought a wig and made a braid point. I was like, I can’t handle it.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: My only suggestion for avoiding this in the future is I have finally found someone who cuts my hair, who refuses to cut it. Once I lay down that I would like to grow my hair out, she’s now like, Come back in six months, maybe I’ll trim it.

Rachel Hampton: I had had a hair cut from the silence before and I had loved it. It was perfect, like perfect and my taking off. So I really felt safe going in because I was like, okay, cool. One time, good. Second time. Lucky No, no.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Well, Rachel, that was bad news. I can’t do any more bad news today. I’m sorry. Truly, my cup is runneth over.

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Rachel Hampton: I mean, completely fair. I felt like we should start with the bad news. That was obviously the worst news that’s happening in the world today. And then move on to the much better news.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: What is the better news?

Rachel Hampton: We’ve got a new game. We’re going to dry out today.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Thank God. What is it?

Rachel Hampton: Okay, so all the time on this show, we’re talking about trends that are popping up on everybody’s feeds and everyone is talking about we’re laying it out for people who haven’t heard about it. But I feel like we don’t talk enough about the really small, weird, nice things that only seem to plague us and nobody else. Like even your tic tac things. I mean, it’s Mormon thing is pretty popular.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I obviously love this as someone who lets Tik-tok take her just wherever the algorithmic wind may lead. Tell me more about this game. I love games.

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Rachel Hampton: Okay, so we’re just going to share basically a piece of I would describe as unhinged content, something that you see anything. Why does this even exist? But also, I will watch at least 2 hours of this. And we’re going to share it with each other. The tentative title for this segment is for me Page because sometimes the two talk for you. Page really says or you specifically Rachel. Danny Hampton in Brooklyn, New York. Was that.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: You trying to vocally italicize the word you before you paid for.

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Rachel Hampton: You? Yes. Yes. That’s the best I can do.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Okay, Rachel, I love this. Sounds great. You have to go first.

Rachel Hampton: Okay. I’m fine with that. Okay. So, Madison, I want you to click this link that I’m going to send you and tell me what you see.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Okay. It’s like a computer rendering of a car driving down a highway. The caption reads Cars, the giant sledgehammers. And there are like clock hands, two sledgehammers suspended in mid-air by nothing over the road, rotating really, really quickly. So when the car comes down the road, the sledgehammers, a sledge hammer, the guards drive off the road. It lights itself on fire. Well, so did I mention this is like a computer game? Like, who made.

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Speaker 1: This.

Rachel Hampton: Great question.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: He’s going, Oh, oh, no. A school bus. Oh, no.

Speaker 1: No, no. The children.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Oh, there are crash test dummies or little bodies on this bus, Rachel.

Speaker 1: No.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Oh, there’s a Tesla there to say.

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Rachel Hampton: Okay, so the joke on this page is that Elon Musk is running it because the Tesla never gets destroyed.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Well, that’s good. If you got hit by a giant sledgehammer with a Tesla, your automated doors probably wouldn’t release and you’d be screwed.

Rachel Hampton: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. That’s definitely the issue at hand. If there there’s two giant flat cameras on the road ahead of you.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Rachel, how often do you watch these?

Rachel Hampton: Okay, so the first time it came across my fip, I was like, what? And I watched, I think at least ten, and now I see one every single time a month. Tick tock. Because the algorithm knows that I want to see what happens when, you know, it’s sometimes cars versus giant bulge cars versus 100 speed bumps, cars versus trampoline. So where you’re looking at is a computer game called Beam Energy Dot Drive, which is this vehicle simulation game that was published in 2015 for Windows, which is what traffic looks like.

Rachel Hampton: Yeah. So the game has like a few modes. But what we’re here to talk about is the free play mode where players can make quite literally anything they want happen. So much wild shit like. These cars getting slammed by sledgehammers or going over a hundred speed bumps. The best part of this game is just in the very detailed and chaotic physics of what’s happening. Like you expect the bus to just get hit, but then you see later on like the exact dynamics of what is happening. When the bus gets hit by a sledgehammer, you’ll randomly see vehicles burst into like balls of fire. It’s just incredible. And the account that I keep seeing is literally just called GCM Underscore Beam Energy, and it has 1.2 million followers. So I’m not alone. I’m I’m not alone. I’m not this isn’t even as niche as I could give.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: For those of you listening at home, we will obviously tweet the video that I just terribly, but also not so terribly described.

Rachel Hampton: Now, you did great. All right. So I’ve given you a peek at what I’m doing at midnight on tick tock.

Rachel Hampton: Now it’s your turn.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Okay. Mine. The first thing that comes to mind for me is definitely not as unhinged. But here’s a link I would like you to click.

Speaker 1: Have a computer moment. Are you in a rush? Could it be the first part of your day to come to ask me? Cause that’s my first primary.

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Rachel Hampton: Is the first thing. And Reeves is a former POW. Be doing your makeup, but you’re in a rush. And it features this woman looking straight to camera in the way that makeup YouTubers always look straight. The camera. Oh, my God. She’s getting ready for a date. She’s tapping her nails against the primer. Oh, she’s making those beautiful little asmar sounds of primer. Oh, my God. Wow. I feel so much calmer and bonding. I love this. This is incredible. Okay, so.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: This is my favorite Asmar artist. Her name is Celine. And what she does is something called, well, what she calls a fast and aggressive summer, which is not exactly a combination of words I think of when I think Asmar, which to be clear, is not a thing I have ever watched. But Tick Tock said, You need this. And I was like, You’re right.

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Rachel Hampton: Yeah. The concept of aggressive a similar feels dissonant. And yet now that I’ve experienced it, I think, yes, of course this exists.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: So I came across her videos maybe a month or two ago, and I now truly have watched every piece of content she has made. And my favorite thing about them is they’re all so quick and fast and my brain has been utterly broken by a life where we sit on our couches and we watch a movie on our big screen, which is the TV to, you know, stare at our little screen, our phone in hand. I just my attention span is zero and she gets that also. It’s just so nice to tune out my brain and have her be like, close your eyes, blink your eyelashes, smile for me real big. You need some bronzer. And I’m like, Yes, I do need bronzer. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks.

Rachel Hampton: I did find myself actually wanting to close my eyes when she told me to, which is the mark of an objective as the artist.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Lean into that impulse.

Rachel Hampton: Well, now I’m just going to fall asleep in the middle of this taping.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: That is, in fact, probably all the time. We have to discuss this before either one of us fall asleep. But don’t worry, the fun is going to continue because that’s actually all we’re doing on this episode after the Supreme Court news on Friday. I don’t know about you, but we’ve all had a real bummer of a weekend and we thought today was just a day to attempt. And I do say attempt. That’s me attempting to italicize with my voice again, attempt to laugh. So we’re to share with you some fun stuff. Rachel, what have we got?

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Rachel Hampton: We’ve got a lot of musical content brought to you. Not by Madison, but by me.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: It really is the end of the world.

Rachel Hampton: We’ve got the Olsen twins.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: When we come back from a quick break, we’re going to have all of those fun things, Rachel, just describe. Plus, some favorite pieces of Internet joy from you, our listeners. What we’re saying is serotonin on demand we provide.

Rachel Hampton: After the break, we’ll be back with only the hits, no bummers, instant SSRI. And we’re back. Madison, you are first up because I. I gave you the sledgehammer content first. So I really feel like I need to and I need someone else to take over. So what’s the first thing on your list?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Truly a video I return to often when I just need to laugh at absurdity. The theater of the absurd is this. It is the Olsen twins. Give me pizza, slo mo video.

Speaker 1: As a hero. Pizza all summer long pizza. You just speak your mind.

Rachel Hampton: It sounds like a demonic incantation to summon pizza.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: So this is a slowed down version of a song called Gimme Pizza from the 1995 VHS. You’re invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s sleepover party, which was the first installment of the Olsen Twins Straight to video series. You’re invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley, and here’s why I disclose that. I and by I, I mean my mother wrote away so I could join the Mary-Kate and Ashley fan club. I was a big Mary-Kate. And Ashley had I had all of these vague dresses. I wanted to be their friend so badly. And that is the beginning of this wedging itself into my brain.

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Rachel Hampton: I just am thinking about the phrase 1995 VHS. You’re invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley. What a fucking time capsule that was. If you don’t know what a VHS is, you’re too young for this show. But my God, I was also American. Ashley Hood. I can’t believe we haven’t talked about this. The movie, the Christmas movie to Grandma’s House We Go was one of my favorite things I watched. I tore that.

Speaker 1: VHS. Oh.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: This video was originally posted on YouTube in September of 2010 as Gimme Pizza Slow, and it’s pulled from an even longer slowed down video of this VHS called When Does A Dream Become a Nightmare?

Rachel Hampton: You just keep mentioning phrases that lodged themselves into my brain. When does a dream become a nightmare?

Speaker 1: That is just.

Rachel Hampton: An existential question. And the fact that it’s attached to a slowed down YouTube video version of a 1995 VHS, it’s just you couldn’t write this in a sitcom.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I just look in this moment, on this episode in which we’re only talking about uppers, I would prefer that the dream that has become a nightmare is, in fact, the Olsen twins eating pizza and not a vision of democracy.

Rachel Hampton: Give me pizza.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Zeke.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Okay, Rachel, it’s your turn. What are you putting in the episodic pizza today?

Rachel Hampton: So I’ve got my first musical installment. The fact that it’s the first there are multiple really makes me feel like we’re in the upside down. But there is a video that I found myself returning to over and over again for the past few weeks. And it is Adam Lambert performing Believe by Cher at the 41st annual Kennedy Center Honors in 2018, where I believe they were honoring Cher.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: You believe it certainly wasn’t Adam Lambert? Yes. Also, of course, I know this because I know that the honorees do not perform. I know. I just mom, I know you’re listening to this. And I need you to know that after years of watching this with you and grandma, I know that the honorees wear the rainbow sashes and they sit in the balcony with Obama. All of them. No matter what year it is, they always sit with Obama.

Rachel Hampton: Okay. So we’re going to play a clip of this because it’s a whole three minute long video, but it’s this beautiful, like slowed down version. I can’t describe it.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I mean, it’s no Aretha Franklin doing. You make me feel like a natural woman in honor of Carole King circa 2015. Like I said, we were a real big Kennedy Center Honors fans in my house, but I’ll take it. Okay, Adam.

Rachel Hampton: He did what he needed to do. And importantly, because they’re honoring Cher chairs in the audience, Cher has moved to tears at this performance. You literally every camera panned to her and a single beautiful tear falls in her face. And you’re like, my God, Cher is a beautiful woman.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Rachel, do you know what’s happening there? They’re sharing a moment.

Rachel Hampton: You know who else is sharing that moment?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Barack Obama. Michelle Obama?

Rachel Hampton: No, but another infamous couple. There’s obviously audience shots, so you’ll see like Lin-Manuel Miranda in the background, just bopping. But they also panned to none other than Anthony Ramos and Jasmine Safe as Jones, which in 2022 is just like Hook.

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I mean, the Kennedy Center Honors truly is just always bangers. I I’m just going to out myself as a geek here. I love this show every year. I look forward to it, and I always find myself being very surprised at how much I enjoy the honorees I’m not expecting to enjoy. Also, if you really want to weep happy tears the year they honored the Sesame Street people, which was also the day that the guy who played Big Bird died.

Speaker 1: And so all of the they all had Big Bird feathers are there. But there’s just.

Speaker 4: Saying out loud. Staying out.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Sorry. We said only happy things, apparently. I’m an emotional terrorist today.

Rachel Hampton: This is happy, weeping. Tears of joy. Tears can mean a lot. I did not think that Adam Lambert thinking. Believe it. Bring us here.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Actually crying a little bit.

Rachel Hampton: Oh, my God.

Rachel Hampton: Okay, up next, something that will perhaps make some of you cry, but not in the way that Madison of our producer, Daniel Schrader, was very quick to flag a song on mine that just always, always fills us with joy.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Fills him with joy. Very clear. This is Daniel’s pick.

Speaker 4: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Like a plastic bag? Like a plastic. Do you ever feel like the class?

Rachel Hampton: So have Katy Perry singing Plastic Bag. That is not the name of the song though. I do feel like this is the time for me to admit that I too am an emotional terrorist, in that I walk around my house asking my roommate, Hey, can I ask you a question? And every so often, not every single time, I will respond. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? And every single time she gets angry at me. But that that song was a remix from Katy J Productions on YouTube of Katy Perry’s Firework. That just kind of, I would say, distills the song down to its very formative essence. Because, like, sometimes I do feel like a plastic bag drifting in the wind. How about you, Madison?

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Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I mean, yeah, pretty much every day since I saw American Beauty for the first time. We are all plastic bags drifting through the wind.

Rachel Hampton: So we’re going to take a break and I guess go blow around in the wind for a little bit. And when we get back, we have plenty more fun in store for you.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: All right. We are back with musical theater. Rachel, explain yourself.

Rachel Hampton: I know you rubbed up on me. Actually, I would like to set the record straight. I know that Madison has the title of leading theater kid on this show, which I’m not taking away from her, but I do enjoy a musical. I would just like to set the record straight. I wore out the 2000 for Phantom of the Opera DVD that I got so many times.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: All the theater people have left the chat.

Rachel Hampton: Wait, is that not a good.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: That’s not going to happen.

Rachel Hampton: This is not a good production.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: A.J., did any involved, especially Emmy Rossum, but I mean, masquerade lacking? Just deeply lacking. Wow.

Rachel Hampton: You really you’re really crushing me. Okay, well, I just found out that I’m, in fact, Apley, but I also recently discovered this woman on TikTok, Michel Roquette. I’m mispronouncing your name. Apologies, but she does musical versions of 2000 songs and it’s just breathtaking. Chef’s Kiss.

Speaker 1: Who would you do if your son was sent home? No. On the bedroom floor cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him to sleep.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: So is that supposed to be.

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Rachel Hampton: City house?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: What would you do? But what if it was Bayona as Mitchell and the cast of Hades Town?

Rachel Hampton: Exactly. And I know where all this is. We bring you one. But I simply can’t stop because Michelle is an artist. Like listening to this cover of Shaggy’s. It wasn’t me.

Speaker 1: Honey came in, she called me man and creepin with the colonel next to pictures. We both got naked, banging on the bathroom floor.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: How? Part where? I do need to just get off my chest that somewhere on someone’s iPhone four is a video of me in college, slightly tipsy with my friends doing a musical theater rendition of Raw, which we thought was the height of comedy.

Rachel Hampton: Well, then you’ll enjoy this final one.

Speaker 1: From now.

Speaker 4: To the way. Jesse Jackson. So these.

Speaker 1: Patches could. Charles Kinski was.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Not the dear Evan Hansen of it all. I could cry for a completely different reason.

Rachel Hampton: Like I will never, never hear the phrase ask keep motherfucker without thinking of dear Evan Hansen now. And for that, I thank you, Michel. All right. Well, now that I’m done biting your style, what do you have?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I love that. Our final submission actually comes courtesy of listener at seven star mags, who heard our call just desperately pleading for any bits of Internet joy and wrote, I have a YouTube playlist where I just add videos that make me smile slash laugh. This one is the best, in my opinion.

Speaker 5: A luxury you can’t live without. A luxury I can’t live without coffee. I really like as a luxury can get in anywhere. I guess I like good coffee. I love coffee, too. I like my socks. Socks? Your socks. Would you put in your shoes? Yeah. I really love them. I like kind of like, you know, cozy feet. You’re attracted to your socks? I’m attracted to really nice running socks. Like I’m always looking for good running. That’s not a luxury, though. Coffee and socks are not a luxury. All right. Give me a luxury. What luxury should I have? Private plane.

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Speaker 5: Larry, I’m on Ducktales.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Yeah. Okay. So that’s Danny Pudi talking to Larry King in 2020. And Danny Pudi is an actor who probably best known from community or maybe Mythic Quest, notably and critical to this video. He is also the guy who voiced Huey in the Ducktales 2017 reboot. If you don’t know Ducktales, as Rachel would say, you might be too young for this podcast.

Rachel Hampton: So that clip resurfaced when Larry King died in 2021 R.I.P., and has since become a meme, obviously, because just the phrase, Larry, I’m on Ducktales is.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: We use iconic too much on the show, but it’s not wrong here. You knew the.

Rachel Hampton: Word that was coming out of my mouth before I even said it.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: In an interview with Den of Geek. After Larry King died, Danny, pretty sad. First of all, rest in peace, Larry. When that first happened, I was so confused because everyone was like, you’re trending. And I was like, What did I do with this video? Do you know what I it makes me think of? Do you know that meme you were at my wedding, Denise?

Rachel Hampton: No.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: So this happened back in 2019 when this conservative commentator, whose name is Denise, tweeted something, making fun of the view to it. Meghan McCain, who is at that point a co-host of The View, just tweeted, You were at my wedding, Denise.

Rachel Hampton: Oh, my God. That just reminds me of Dakota Johnson and Ellen.

Speaker 1: How was the party? I wasn’t invited. Actually, no, that’s not the truth. Ellen, you were invited.

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Rachel Hampton: Just the way Stephanie Mayor gave us Ellen’s cancellation. Who would have thought?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Wait. She wrote Twilight.

Rachel Hampton: Which was then turned into fan fiction, 50 Shades of Grey, which was then adapted into a movie starring Dakota Johnson, for which she became famous and was thus on Ellen.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: And a butterfly flapped its wings.

Rachel Hampton: And don’t worry, everything comes back to twilight for me. I will always be able to tie it back to Twilight.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: We would like to thank at Seven Star Mag for this gem for reminding us of several other gems which apparently vibrate on the same frequency and for the laughs. Truly, it felt. It felt good to disassociate for half an hour.

Rachel Hampton: And honestly, given everything in the world.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Watchers at State of the World, we.

Rachel Hampton: Will probably need to do one of these episodes in the future. So if you would like your random bit of Internet joy to be featured, please send it to us. We might just laugh at it. We might be true. Who knows?

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: Either way, know that it will bring us joy. And speaking of, obviously, we will tweet all of the videos from today’s episode. So if you want to go watch the fun at I see my my underscore pod.

Rachel Hampton: All right. That is the show. We’ll be back in your feet on Saturday, so please subscribe. It is the best way to never miss an episode. Never miss a bit of musical theater which will most likely come from Madison and not me next time. Believe me, by reading and review on Apple Spotify and tell your friends about us. Say nice things about us. You can follow us on Twitter. I see. I might underscore POD, which is also working to give us your questions to us. The things that make you smile on the internet, please. DM us. Those things include also always drop us an email. I see why my of slate.com.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: I see why my is produced by Daniel Schrader, Rachael Hampton and me Mads Malone Kircher. Alisha Montgomery is Slate’s VP of Audio. See you online.

Rachel Hampton: Or at the Kennedy Center.

Madison Malone, Madison Moon: So, Craig, you have to go.