Should I Have A Baby? Help!
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Welcome to Dear Prudence. I’m your Prudence Jenée Desmond Harris. Today I’ll be answering questions from letter writers who are stuck in high paying jobs, deciding whether to bring kids into this world, and dealing with a classic topic. Judgey in-laws. Here to help me out is my friend Wajahat Ali. He’s a Daily Beast columnist, senior fellow at the Western State Center in Auburn Seminary, recovering attorney like me and I quote a tired dad of three cute kids. He’s the author of Go Back to Where You Came From and other helpful recommendations on How to Become American, in which he tackles the dangers of Islamophobia, white supremacy, pop culture and chocolate hummus. Previously, he was a New York Times contributing op ed writer, CNN commentator, host for HuffPost and co-host of Al-Jazeera America’s The Stream.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: For just a little bit of a more personal introduction, three more things about him. He is one of the most genuinely good natured people I’ve ever met. I was his editor at the New York Times, and I found he was one of the rare, very rare writers who was neither arrogant nor wracked with self-loathing. He’s just upbeat and easygoing, which was so nice to work with. He was constantly dropping references to superheroes and his essays, and I was constantly deleting them. And he was always such a good sport about it and every other part of the process.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Number two, while his writing covers a lot of topics family, faith, politics, he has publicly claimed that some of his most important work is trying to get people to use bidets. I found more than one instance of him saying, quote, Wash your butts, join the 21st century. Number three, I think to know him is to know about his family. His wife is a wildly impressive doctor. His daughter is a stage four cancer survivor and liver transplant recipient. And his mom, from what I’ve read on Twitter, appears to be a hater who is always telling him how old and poorly groomed he looks when he goes on TV. With all that in mind, I can’t wait to hear what he thinks about these letters today. Watching will dive into your questions after a short break. Welcome back. You’re listening to Dear Prudence, and I’m here with Wajahat Ali. Hey, watch. Hey, how’s it going?
Prudence: I mean, honestly, if you’re not washing your butt in the 21st century, I mean, come on, now. Am I crazy? I’m not.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I didn’t say you were wrong. I mean, it’s a totally legitimate point of view to have.
Prudence: And isn’t it awesome that we are using our law degree in such a wonderful way? Our parents must be very proud. I mean.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: How did we get here? Seriously, we’re going to actually talk about that in one of these questions. Anyway, thank you so much for helping me today. And let’s just go ahead and dive into our first letter. Worried but longing for a baby.
Speaker 3: I am married to a man that I love. We are happy together and we are thinking of having children. However, I’m worried. One of my husband’s brothers is bipolar under treatment, and one of his sisters is depressed to the point of not getting out of her apartment. Unfortunately, she’s against therapy and drugs and is refusing our help. My father in law has a long story of depression, and my husband underwent a period of depression that he successfully handled with therapy and drugs and a difficult phase of his life.
Speaker 3: I know that bipolar syndrome runs in families, and I’m worried that we might have a child with severe mental health issues and not being able to help them navigate life. Also, I have a relative who’s been diagnosed with bipolar syndrome, even though not in a very severe form. And some other family members of mine have struggled with depression. I know that’s hard, mostly for the people with mental health issues, but also for their loved ones. I’ve lived it on my skin. My husband says that we can face whatever comes and that he is prepared to act very differently from his parents, who seem to have spent years denying that many members of their family were struggling with mental issues. Rationally, I know there is no guarantee when one’s having a child, and I really wish to put a challenge to this world. I’m simply afraid I might not be well equipped.
Speaker 3: Do you have any suggestions?
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Okay, so I have one. I’m only ten months into this. You have three. You’re way farther down the road. So tell me if you think I’m right. I think a great general rule is that if you’re longing for a baby, have a baby even if you have doubts. And actually, I think this is what I told you when you asked me how motherhood was going. I think the hard parts are just about as hard as you imagine. And you’ve been through other similar hard things in life, but the good parts are just more amazing than you ever could have dreamed of. And I also think worrying is a good thing, like sitting there and questioning whether you can handle whatever parenthood brings kind of shows that you’re the kind of person who might be a good parent but don’t know. Like I said, I’m new at this. What are your thoughts?
Prudence: Well, you say you’re new at this, but you’re a mama and you’re ten months in and your baby’s alive and thriving and you love him. And, you know, you find so much joy in their presence and in this new role that you have. And of course, women love to hear from a man whether or not they should have babies. Right. So, I mean, that’s the that’s the perfect person that they want to hear from. But, you know, we’re three babies deep, so I’m seasoned. And there’s a lot in that question.
Prudence: You know, the last part of it is, you know, when she’s expressing some doubt, I agree with you, that’s normal. Every parent that I know expresses worry and doubt. I mean, I remember when we had our first Gen Ibrahim, I used to go check up on him to see if he was breathing. And my wife’s like, he’s breathing. Just relax. I’m like, oh, I’m just I’m just going to check. And then sometimes Sarah, my wife, would be like, Are you checking if her son’s breathing? And I would just lie. I’m like, I’m just just turning on the light here. No, I was checking if he’s breathing, and I think every parent has that worry. Am I going to be good enough? Am I going to be a good parent? Am I well equipped? Do I have the emotional bandwidth? Am I going to mess up this child? And I’m glad that you said that. That’s a reflection that you care, the fact that you have that worry. So when it comes to that, don’t worry what you have written, it’s clear to both me and Ginny that you really want a child and you and your partner are willing to meet whatever challenges head on.
Prudence: And there’s a second part of this. The deeper part of this, I think, is this fear where she is talking about this family history of mental health issues. Right. And I have obsessive compulsive disorder. My father has it. Mental health issues run also in my wife’s family. There is something where there was a fear. And even now, you know, my children are eight, six and two. I’m like, oh, no, do I see a symptom? Oh my God, I hope he doesn’t have what I have. Right? But at the same time, the fact that your partner is willing to engage in therapy and is willing to confront it potentially and is not willing to bury it under the rug because what will people say?
Prudence: Jenny Right. That’s like the old school. What will people say? They have depression. Someone has bipolar. That’s very important in the fact that both of you are willing to acknowledge and confront it. And I just want to voice that fear because that fear is real. Oh, this runs through my family. Oh, no. But another aspect of this is we’re seeing folks with depression and anxiety and bipolar who live full lives, meaningful lives, healthy lives, and they’re deserving of love and to be loved and to love. So it’s one of those situations where I want to acknowledge that fear because I have gone through it myself, because it runs through our family. But that is not enough to not indulge in your wish and joy to have children, in my opinion. Yeah.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: So do you mind if I quote from something you’ve written about living with OCD, please? So you wrote in a piece for the New York Times. Most people wouldn’t guess that I’m constantly tortured by disturbing thoughts. I’ve hosted live shows and given speeches in front of large audiences. During the LSAT, a few friends from college sat next to me because they said I had a calming energy. They had no idea of the internal storm always raging in my mind. So I just think that’s interesting because you’re living with a mental illness and you’re also doing all these amazing things. And I think it’s really safe to say that you’re glad you were born and your parents are glad you were born. And so I would just encourage the letter writer to think of mental illness as one of the many things that can make life tough and spoiler Life is going to be tough in some way or another for your kid, but not necessarily something that’s going to ruin their lives and not something that you won’t be equipped to deal with as a parent.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I think another kind of revelation I had becoming a mother was that like, you’re not the same person you are when you’re expecting a child and you’re worried about how hard it will be, you turn into someone else who has like suddenly this incredible story of strength and motivation and energy to stay up all night or to be patient or to be resilient in ways you probably didn’t think you would be able to. And so I would just encourage her to think about the idea that this. Child. Just the very existence of them might make you feel stronger and more capable than you do right now.
Prudence: You know, myself included, most of my friends, when they were about to have kids, we were convinced that we would be terrible parents. Yeah. Not that we wanted to be terrible parents, that we’re like, Oh my God, how can the universe give me a child? Does the universe not know who I am? And pretty much all across the board, the folks who really were worried ended up being really good parents who, like you said, founders of Reservoir Strength that made them better people and better parents.
Prudence: The second thing I’ll say, and I can sense it just from her own words, is at the end of the day, having had three kids, all of them are alive, knock on wood and happy. A kid just like most people. All they really need is love and attention. And if you’re willing to give that kid love and attention, that ends up being the fuel, really, that creates a healthy, confident human being who knows and feels that the universe and people in it love him and her. Right? So if you’re willing to give that love and it seems that this person has so much love to give, then I feel very confident that you will be an amazing mother who will nurture and love a child and bring them up in this world to be a good human being.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I do too. So not to dismiss your concerns, they’re real. Not to say that it will be easy, but bottom line, go for it. Have the kid. You’re listening to Dear Prudence. And when we come back, more letters from you and hopefully some helpful advice. Stay tuned.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Welcome back to Dear Prudence. I’m here with my guest Wajahat Ali to answer your letters. Okay, here’s our next question. It’s titled NIMBY in My Backyard.
Wajahat Ali: I am in an interracial marriage with a wonderful white woman. I am a Southeast Asian and an immigrant. Although I did come to the US as a child. I am pretty westernised. My in-laws are what I would call well-intentioned liberals. I am pretty well left of them on the political spectrum. They vote Democrat, have the right lawn signs and bumper stickers and are appropriately outraged by racism, income inequality. ET cetera. They are both very well educated and have come from generational money, to be fair, just two generations of some wealth. And just so I’m clear, they truly seem genuine about their social and political stance. Although I have always gotten the sense that they think of themselves as saviors or rescuers of poor immigrants, they are also easily part of the 1% from a wealth and income perspective.
Wajahat Ali: I bring this last part up because I grew up pretty poor and my family never had much money, but me and my siblings all worked very hard and we are generally living the American dream and that we are all better off than my parents. The problem is that my in-laws don’t seem to see my parents as equals and often seem contemptuous towards them. My parents worked low paying manual jobs so they don’t have fat 401 K or investments in index funds and the like. So my siblings and I often help them financially, which seems perfectly normal to most Asians. But my in-laws see this as a failing on my parents part. My wife sees this too and it bothers her. She has tried to gently ask her parents to hear what they’re saying, but they just dismiss her feelings as being invalid. I have mostly tried to not get into it with them because I’m not sure saying something more overtly will help them, but maybe it would. How do you think I should deal with this? Keep the peace by not engaging or try and get them to at least see how this makes me feel.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: So this probably isn’t the wisest advice. But in my own life, I generally just believe in keeping in-laws separated. I mean, these are fully grown people from their own backgrounds and cultures, and it’s actually almost unrealistic to expect four of them who just are randomly put together to like, get along and know how to talk to each other.
Prudence: I’m very lucky in that I have lovely in-laws and I am, by.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: The way, just in case they’re listening. I was like.
Prudence: Wait a second. Just for the next Thanksgiving. I love my.
Speaker 5: In-laws.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: It’s just that everyone has their own personality, you know? Anyway, go.
Prudence: On. So, you know, I will share that. As you know, Jenny, I was lucky to grow up with the part of the suburban American dream to Pakistani Muslim immigrant parents. But that American dream turned into a nightmare. And my well-to-do upper middle class, suburban Pakistani Muslim parents lost everything, went to jail. We were poor. House was foreclosed. And you can imagine that when it comes to like, you know, meeting someone, you bring that up. And, you know, in our communities, I don’t care what ethnic community you’re from, people are like, what? They went to jail, what they live where what look at their credit. And so my in-laws in particular I got very lucky. They have never, ever, ever once judged me or my parents have always treated them with respect, which I know has helped my relationship with them and also increase my respect for them and also helps my marriage.
Prudence: But at the end of the day, I’ve been married now ten years. Knock on wood, you’re right. You’re married to that person. You know, in a way you’re not married to their parents. I know people say you marry into families, but still, you’re spending about 98% of your time with your spouse. And in this situation, your in-laws aren’t living with you. So that’s one big, huge advantage. And so as long as you and your wife have an understanding, have a mutual respect, are on the same page, then don’t let this stress you out that much.
Prudence: I know it hurts. But to be like, you know what? That’s their misfortune that they can’t appreciate my parents and their hard work and sacrifice. And they unfortunately are so closed minded that they look down upon them and the majority of people are in their situation. I don’t have time to waste on that. I will try my best to let them see. But if they don’t see it, you know what? That’s okay. I love my parents. I’m proud of where I came from. My wife respects me, my wife respects my parents, and that’s good.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: So I also do see some potential in this letter. The letter writer says that his in-laws are genuine and they have these progressive views. So if you think those are sincere, I wonder if there’s anything you can do to kind of try to get them to make a connection between the world view they like to have and how they like to think of themselves and how they’re behaving in this situation. Like is there any way just to heal that disconnect between how they’re treating the actual people in their lives and their politics? If they care about the poor, if they care about immigrants, why isn’t that coming together in the way they treat these actual human beings who are in their life? I like to think there’s some sort of potential there. If this is raised gently, it’s worth trying before just saying forget it and keeping these people separate, as I first suggested.
Prudence: You chip away, right? It’s like, reminds me of Shawshank Redemption. You sometimes chip away, you know, he chipped away at the wall and sometimes you chip away at people. And, you know, it might seem like a strange analogy I’m making, but my parents generation, they suffered from Colourism Jenny And it’s so ingrained that sometimes, even though they’re not I know they’re not kind, not racist, they they’ll say stuff like, Oh, she’s beautiful but dark skinned. And you’re like, What? And then you gently bring it out and they’re like, Oh, yeah. And then there’s been so many years now where both of my parents generation, the in-law generation and my mom, right, they’re like, Thank you for reminding us because it’s so ingrained that we don’t even realize it, but just slightly chipping away. They got better, they got more mindful. And so I feel like it’s one of those things where you’re right that if he is saying that, you know, they’re otherwise really well intentioned, good kind people gently chipping away at it without it doing so much emotional damage to yourself in the long run can perhaps make them see it in a better way and help repair relations.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: So my final thought on this is and I’m really like putting them on my armchair psychiatrist couch right now because I wonder if on some level your in-laws might be jealous of the relationship you and your wife have with your parents if you have a warmer relationship or whether they’re just worried about your financial status and that you’re having to like hand over this money, I wonder if there’s anything you could do to sort of reassure them or ease their mind that one, you and your wife are fine and that you’re happy to give this support and it’s something you’ve worked into your life.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: And to that, it doesn’t mean that you love. Your parents more than you love them. It’s just a relationship that’s structured differently. So if you have the patience, I know it’s really hard when they’ve been incredibly snobby and they haven’t been nice people, and I can’t say that I would be willing to extend an olive branch, but I wonder if you can do a little digging below the surface on where, besides like bigotry and snobbery these feelings might be coming from.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Okay. Here’s our next question. This letter is titled Eggs Not Easy.
Speaker 6: With expenses rising, my wife and I turned to small style homesteading. We got a garden and chickens. It turned out to be successful. Almost two successful with the amount of eggs our little ladies lay on a daily basis. So we started putting the extra eggs and egg cartons in a little box outside our house with a sign to pay as you please. It worked pretty well at first. Most people would put something in, and the ones who stole we figured needed the eggs more than anyone else until Karen came into the picture. We have a ring camera so we can see the people coming to get the eggs. Karen drove a very expensive car and would take everything not nailed down all the eggs and the money. We put a lock on the money drop before it was just a decorated can with a lid, only to see Karen use a bolt cutter to get the cash. She had a pretty obvious pattern the last time we left a note to please be neighborly, Karen’s response was to completely destroy the eggs house.
Speaker 6: So my wife and I stopped. We have gotten a lot of support from our neighborhood, but it was very disheartening to have one selfish lady ruin it for everyone. Imagine my surprise when we saw Karen in a local ad She runs a local business and is involved in several community boards. We still have the video evidence. My wife wants to let it go, but a spiteful part of me wants to make Karen sweat a little or at least pay for the destruction she’s caused. We decided to let you be the deciding factor. What should we do?
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Um. Question Do you spend a lot of time on Nextdoor for your neighborhood?
Prudence: No, I do not.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Smart man. I spend a ton on mine. And all it is these days is people sharing ring camera footage of Amazon package thief. That’s all it is. The worst. They share the video and everyone says such a shame that this happened. I’m so sorry. This is what happens when you defund the police. Like this is the conversation. I mean, it’s it’s absolutely ridiculous. So this seems like it’s an incident out of my neighborhood next door, except that this isn’t like a neighbor being a neighborly. This is a criminal.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: That’s right. I mean, why would you not dox this woman do whatever? I mean, I don’t know why you would have any hesitation in, like, sharing the video, calling her out, posting whatever you want to about her. She’s a terrible person. And I wonder, is she getting leeway here because I assume from the name she’s a white woman and she’s in a nice car because I have a feeling of some guy came to your porch in like a hoodie, you know, skulking around, looking dangerous. You would have just called the police.
Prudence: I’d be in I’d be the first person who’d get, like, a ten year sentence for destroying an egg house. I feel like these are the people who have written the letter are so nice, and I’m all for being good neighbor and for forgiveness. But think about the next egg house. This Karen will destroy somebody else’s egg house. This Karen will destroy other people’s innocent eggs. So I feel like, based on what you have described, this is a criminal. Like this person owes you damages. This person not only ruined it for you, but you ruined it. She took the.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Money.
Prudence: She took the money. The money. This is like a beautiful microcosm of the self destruction of white supremacy. Like right here in this one example, like ruining it for herself and for everybody else and getting away with it. And the person of color says, Hey, I’ll forgive you, but it’s like you know, you know, sometimes you need to hold it accountable. I feel like you know this Karen, she’s a public person. Your local community deserves to know what she did. The fact that she’s a thief, the fact that she stole your eggs, the fact that she destroyed your egg house and the fact she ruined this goodwill that you decided to dispense for your community just because she was upset that you called her out, I’d go, Are you a star gunner? That’s me.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: No, I completely agree. I mean, this isn’t someone who was caught on camera, like forgetting to clean up a little bit of their dog poop or putting their dog poop into your recycling or one of those other, like, neighborhood bad actions. This is an actual criminal who’s stolen your actual money. Um, I actually don’t know why I picked this letter. Because there’s no real dilemma here, right? There’s no.
Prudence: Dilemma. The fact that they’re just so nice, they’re like, Hey, should we though? It’s not spiked. So to answer your spouse’s question, it’s not spiked. You’re not being spiteful. It’s it’s accountability. It’s self respect and self respect. And also to help protect your community.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I mean, she really could be. I mean, she’s this obviously is a woman with problems, right? Um, she doesn’t need to be doing this. I answered this one question a while back. Everyone got mad at me about which was about someone’s boyfriend not paying for like an avocado here and there at self-checkout. And I was like, I don’t really care. And everyone said, Oh my God, you have to care. He’s stealing from all of us. He’s like ruining society. And stores are going to raise prices. I mean, this is seriously a situation where she could go I mean, she could go steal something from someone who really can’t afford to lose it. The woman’s got to be stopped. Yeah.
Prudence: Yeah. She’s a she’s a menace. This menace has to be stopped.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Get her. This is Dear Prudence. We need to take a break. But when we come back, more letters from you and advice from us. Stay tuned.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Okay. This is our last question for today, and I think it’s something we can both relate to a little bit. The letter is called Drowning in Suburbia.
Speaker 7: I have worked in big law, partnered with a close family member for 15 years. The work is extremely stressful, boring, and my body is actually breaking down. The people I work with have vastly different values. Think brown children deserve to be in cages. I desperately want to quit, but I have no clue what I would do that I would enjoy or even make up a third of my salary given my location. I also deeply love the family members I work with and don’t want to disappoint them. I also take care of a disabled family member and need a decent income. Please help.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: So you and I are both, as you put it in your bio, recovered lawyers. I practiced for like three and a half, four years at one of the big firms in D.C. I think you got out even sooner than that. Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Okay. Congrats. You made a move quickly. I really remember that combination of the work being stressful and boring and I would add, meaningless. I’m sorry to my former boss who’s a huge fan of Prudie and such a supporter of mine and listens, but he was really, really good at the work and really loved it. And so this doesn’t apply to everyone who practices law. But when it’s not for you, it’s not for you, you know?
Prudence: Yeah, no, absolutely.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I also remember working with some people with terrible politics, so I can really, really relate to this. And let me just be the first to say again, as someone who’s in a career where I probably make one third of the salary I could have made, um, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to wake up every day and dread what you have to do and dread the people you have to interact with. This is the only life you get. And you don’t want to spend 12 hours a day, every day being somewhere where you’re miserable.
Prudence: Dear listener, you wrote the following. I’m going to quote you. The work is extremely stressful, boring, and my body is actually breaking down. And then you write, I desperately want to quit. Quote, end quote. There it is right there. And a friend of mine in a similar situation, a person of color, was working in a high paying job every single day. He was miserable. He was surrounded by people who were openly spouting xenophobic, hard Right. Talking points. And he’s like, why? Why? He just sat there for a year and a half to the point where he eventually said it’s not worth it, and he left. Eventually, he found a better job. His wife is happy. He’s happier. And this is one of those problems that especially if you come from suburbia, I call it the gilded cage.
Prudence: Uh, this is literally you handcuffing yourself. And, you know, it’s a tragedy because here you are, all of us, right? In a position of privilege. And you choose misery and you feel like you can’t get out. And then, of course, there’s bills and you have family members and expectations and what will people say? But it’s very clear to me that you want out.
Prudence: And as a person who left both me and Jenny for like morons that we are, we left law to go become writers and journalists because we’re masochists. But I think both of us are here much more fulfilled, much more happy, you know, married with kids. Our spouses respect us for our talents. We respect ourselves. Life is more meaningful. We found a way to pay the bills. I would say take the plunge. I understand the fear is there. I get it. I’ve lived through it. But it’s not worth it. It is not worth it. And I could just tell from your letter that you want out.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Yeah. And I also want to point out that it doesn’t have to be so black and white, right? You’re not either practicing law in the worst possible environment or going and selling watercolor paintings at the farmers market. There are other careers that you can have that might use your law degree. That’s right. Or might not and could still make you a decent amount of money.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Um, give it some thought. I would say if you want some practical advice here, I would say give yourself another year to stay in this job. I know that sounds like a long time, but I personally found that when I had a foot out the door mentally and I knew I was leaving, suddenly I was so much less miserable. I was still doing the same work with the same people, but just knowing that it wouldn’t be forever and knowing that I had an exit plan made me so much happier and side note better at my job. I think I was more confident because I was experiencing less anxiety and self-doubt. Um, start networking, start poking around on LinkedIn, start having informational interviews. You might find a job where you can make decent money and use your law degree that’s much less miserable than this, much less miserable.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I’ve often thought that there might have been ways to practice law that could have worked for me if I would have landed at like the right firm and the right practice group doing the right kind of work. It’s entirely possible. And I’m really jealous of people who have found that high paying legal job that actually fulfills them and makes them happy. I don’t think it’s super common, but it does happen for some people.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Moving on to the part about the family members, you don’t want to disappoint. Who cares? Seriously, I don’t know how else to say it. I don’t care. Are they worried about disappointing you with their xenophobic views and whatever else they have? Sorry, but these aren’t good people. And even if they were amazing people, you don’t owe anyone else being miserable for 12 to 15 hours a day. You just you have to find a way to release that. Because that’s no way to live your life.
Prudence: Amen.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Okay. Those are all the questions we have for this week. I really hope we’ve been helpful. Well, just thank you for being here. I think these were some tough topics, but I picked them specially for you and I made the right choices because I think you were extremely helpful.
Prudence: Thank you so much. I’ve always wanted to be a guru to dispense unsolicited life advice, and I hope I have been at the very least useful, if not entertaining.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Thank you so much for being a Slate Plus member. And since you remember, you get the awesome perk of a weekly segment where I’ll be answering an extra question. That’s right. You get even more Prudie. This week I’m joined by my awesome friend and friend of the show, John Hill. JQ is the host of the Weeds Box’s podcast for politics and policy discussions. And I’m so happy to have her here to help out today. This letter is titled Aggressively Friendly.
Speaker 3: I got labeled aggressive by one of my friends. I’ve always known that I intimidate people, but I never really thought it was because of my personality. I always thought it was either because of my body type, my athletic ability or my education. Recently, I lost touch with a friend of mine. That’s not completely uncommon for me when I get busy at work. I ran into her over the weekend. She was nice and friendly, but definitely got uncomfortable when a friend came up and mentioned a party she was having. It was clear she didn’t want me to go and I brought that up. Long story short, she accused me of having an aggressive personality. She didn’t mean I was mean. She meant that I get really excited about things and confident in my opinions and sometimes very loud. That is all absolutely true, and I have no plans on changing that.
Speaker 3: But my problem is I think this may be why I no longer have any close friends. I’ve always thought of myself as a social chameleon, preferring to match the vibe with the other person. Unless I’m talking about something I’m passionate about, I don’t usually talk about those things unless the person I’m talking to has the same interests. I’m naturally a very light hearted person, and I always thought that people saw that instead of my size on my resume.
Speaker 3: A few years ago, I found out there was a boy I liked in high school who was intimidated by my athletic ability. And for years I’ve seen people act weird when I tell them where I graduated from college. But I always thought that didn’t matter because of my personality. Now I’m wondering if that’s true. Even in college, I have very few friends, even among athletes, who wouldn’t be intimidated by me. I really want to find some close friends again. Do you have any advice on how I can not intimidate people while not hiding who I am?
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Okay. I have a controversial opinion on this.
Speaker 8: I might, too. I’m interested to know your thoughts.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: I think there are two things we hear a lot from people who are just really not likable. And those two things are. I’m intimidating and people are jealous of me. Um hmm. Um, I think those terms tend to stand in for something else, which is just that people don’t enjoy being in my presence because of the way I behave. Um, I mean, you don’t hear anyone saying, like, Michelle Obama is intimidating, so I don’t like to be around her, Right? There’s a lot of very people.
Speaker 8: Do not call Oprah intimidating.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Right? Um, I don’t know. Gabby Douglas, whoever. There’s so many people who have athletic accomplishments and major professional accomplishments who don’t have this problem. So if you do, you might want to explore the idea that it’s something else besides, like, how powerful and amazing you are that’s turning people off.
Speaker 8: I you know, what I appreciate about you is that, like, you are so diplomatic and the way you say things, because when I heard this letter, my first thought was, oh, you’re not intimidating, you’re kind of annoying. And I feel okay saying that because I too, have had times in my life where I have been annoying. Um, I think sometimes it’s this idea like I have a personality where I’m very talkative. I literally form an opinion on everything. I do not know how to not like form an opinion on something, but it’s allowing other people the opportunity to talk, understanding that you do not have to always be the person that’s on.
Speaker 8: My mom and I, we have kind of like this joke in the saying to each other, If one of us is making something about ourselves that is not about ourselves, we’ll just look at each other and say, It’s not your birthday today. Today is not your birthday. Because there are some days where it is about your birthday. There are some days where it is all about you, but not every instance. And, you know, I. I don’t think you should dim your light at all. Do not change your personality like at all. But if you have snow close friends, I think that is very telling that maybe it’s time to do some internal work. Maybe it’s time to say like, okay, how can I go about these interactions differently? Are there opportunities for me to listen more? Are there opportunities for me to, you know, just sit back a bit rather than jumping up and being the first to always say something?
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Exactly. Listen, more is key. And I think this person is focusing too much on themselves and their qualities and what they bring to a situation and how they’ve always been. You know what else? I hate People who are always like, I’m just a blunt person. I’m just really I’m one of those people, to tell you the truth. That’s a stand in for I’m an asshole. I’m a complete asshole. And very few people like me.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Um, so stop. Kind of like the obsessive fixation on your qualities, your characteristics, the kind of person you are, and focus on that old, familiar, corny quote. I can’t remember who said it. That’s like people don’t remember what you did or what you said is how you made them feel. So when you walk into a room, give some thought to how you’re making the other people feel. Um, you don’t need to necessarily be focused on making sure they understand your accomplishments or where you went to school or how athletic you were or what sport you played, but really like put a little bit of energy towards trying to make people feel good. I think that’s a great first step for people wanting to be around you. Thank you again for being a Slate Plus member. The Dear Prudence podcast would not be possible without you. Until next time.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: If you haven’t already, go read Wajahat memoir, Go back to Where you Came From and other helpful recommendations on how to become American. Do you need help getting along with partners, relatives, coworkers and people in general? Write to me. Go to Slate.com, Forward slash Prudie. That’s Slate.com forward slash PR, i.e. the Dear Prudence column publishes every Thursday. And you can also join us for Dear Prudie live chat on Mondays at noon Eastern.
Prudence: If you’d like to hear your question answered on the podcast, we’re looking for letter writers who would be comfortable recording their questions for the show. You can stay anonymous.
Jenny, Jenée Desmond Harris: Dear Prudence is produced by Sierra Spragley Rix. Editorial Help from Paola de Verona. Daisy Rosario is senior supervising producer and Alicia montgomery is Slate’s VP of Audio. I’m Your dear Prudence Jenée Desmond Harris. Until next time.
