I’m Overwhelmed by My Boyfriend’s Sexual Demands
S1: Warning this podcast contains explicit language.
S2: Hi, I’m Rich Juzwiak, I’m a writer who frequently focuses on sex and significant others,
S1: and I’m Stoya, I write, and I used to make video porn.
S2: Welcome to the how to do a podcast where we try to help you with all of your sex and relationship issues. You can ask us anything about sex or your bodies or dating etiquette or whatever. We’re here to help. So after sex, what is the ideal kind of interaction for you if you could be so general about it?
S1: That’s the thing. It is deeply contextual. If it’s August, do not touch me. You may blow on me with force as long as your breath smells acceptable. And I need water immediately, and I’m happy to bring back a glass for the other person as well. But it’s like I must attend to my body’s needs in the wake of this massive physical exertion in 90 degree weather.
S2: Yeah, I feel you. I like to kind of extend the intimacy, at least in terms of like conversation or whatever. I find that’s the most satisfying outcome is if I have sex with somebody that I then enjoy talking with him. And I think it’s because I just, you know, intimacy in really any iteration is kind of hard to find amongst men, I think, who have sex with men, you know, especially emotional intimacy. So in order to kind of crack that, it feels kind of like an accomplishment for me and I instead of this feeling of like impersonal, like, let’s both get our own orgasm while we’re in the same room. I really like the feeling of brotherhood that can emerge as a result of this experience. When you’re, you know, intimate with somebody. So that, to me, is what’s satisfying if I can have, like a nice conversation with somebody,
S1: you know, the conversation for me is pretty great, but it’s, you know, depending on the temperature and degree of clammy ness or high temperature, I don’t necessarily want to be touching for it. But as we have addressed in previous podcasts, I am very twitchy about sensations, right?
S2: Right. And also, keep in mind that there are definitely people that I’ve had sex with that I do not want to have a conversation with because, you know, however, foolishly I just tend to live life like a great white shark and take a bite and then decide if I want to eat more. But usually by the time we’ve taken a bite, you got to do the rest of the eating or somebody is going to be really disappointed. So, you know, if it’s if it’s like a stranger, if it’s like an anonymous thing and it’s like, Oh, I don’t want to be having sex with this person, I realize, but let me finish this up because I can, and it’s not stressing me out too much at that point. It’s like, OK, well, we’re not going to have a conversation too. Like, How much do you want from me?
S1: Which actually segues really nicely into our next letter.
S2: Yeah. So here we go.
S3: Do you know how to do it? I’m a cis, hetero woman in a three year long relationship with the cis hetero man. We had a hot and intense honeymoon period with frequent, uninhibited sex that went on for more than a year. It was and still is, the best sex of my life, and we are highly compatible and tastes and styles. My partner has been quarantining with me, and I have come to learn that he doesn’t masturbate at all like never. We’ve talked about it and he says it takes too long. It doesn’t work and he gets frustrated and he needs the physical and emotional connection with a woman to get off. Well, the honeymoon period has ended and I physically and emotionally can’t keep up with sex once or twice or more a day every day. It would be one thing if my partner was willing to just borrow my pussy and wham bam, thank you, ma’am. Well, I read a magazine, but he wants eye contact, tummy touching and engagement in the sex that I just can’t sustain with the frequency that he desires. And frankly, I have shit to do and can’t sacrifice multiple increments of 30 plus minutes every day. Under normal circumstances, he would just rub one out in the shower for a couple of days and give me a break. But that is not the situation here. I’m beginning to really resent him and dread the logical times of day where one would engage in sex. He occasionally has to spend the night with his elderly father. And I am so excited at the break and lack of sexual pressure that I find myself fantasizing about us breaking up just so I don’t have to worry about his sexual needs. When I proposed taking a day or so break, his reaction suggests he is very hurt and rejected by the suggestion and views it as some sort of indictment against him or the waning of my affection. I love him. I don’t want a breakup and I love our sex. I just need him to take the responsibility for a larger portion of his sexual satisfaction that doesn’t involve me doing the work before I lose my mind. Signed no fun showers.
S2: I mean, it sounds to me like they aren’t actually compatible.
S1: Not at all. And she’s saying, I do not want the sex and he’s like, I take this very personally. Or at least that’s what she’s observing.
S2: I mean, there’s a lack of self-awareness on his part. It feels like at least that what he’s asking for is, by most standards, a lot. And it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise when you have a partner who says, OK, that’s too much like, I just I can’t be having sex with you multiple times a day every day. Three years into our relationship. Nice that you’re that interested still, but just not going to be my thing. To me, it seems like the reasonable answer to that is like, OK, cool. I get it. I mean, the word sexual pressure is in this letter. Yeah, he’s pressuring her. Yeah, and that’s not good. And in fact, he’s taking it personally that the attraction is waning. But it seems to me like actually his behavior is a direct cause of this, and maybe the attraction is waning because of the sexual pressure.
S1: And the writer mentions having other shit to do. We are adults. We have responsibilities. Most of us can’t drop everything we’re doing multiple times a day for half an hour to have sex. And also switching into that mode of super connection. Switching back and forth all day long can be really jarring and kind of disorienting. You’re like in the middle of a work call, but you’re still experiencing the physical aftereffects of the sex you’ve just been having. And for a lot of people, that’s really uncomfortable. It’s not functional in today’s society.
S2: Yeah. So your points take sex out of the equation just in terms of multitasking. This academic Gloria Mark, who studies digital distraction at University of California, Irvine, found the study that it takes upwards of 25 minutes to return to an original task after an interruption. So you’re doing something, you get interrupted and then there’s a process of kind of getting back into that thing that takes almost a half an hour. So you were thinking about, you know, the sex taking over a half an hour and then getting back into the thing over half an hour? OK, that’s an hour out of your day. You’re awake for 16 or so of them, you know, if you’re if you’re sleeping well and that’s a lot of time to be taken out and then imagine that multiple times a day, OK, you’re looking at like, you know, close to 25 percent of your day is now devoted to this guy who’s also being, like, really, really demanding. You know what I mean? Like, it’s not like there is something positive that you get out of that that you want. You know, it’s kind of like like I always thought about when I would go to the gym and I’d be really busy and I’d wait on line for a treadmill and it’d be like, What am I doing with my life? You know, like, it’s one thing if you went online for a waterslide, because then you get to go on a waterslide, be waiting on line for a treadmill, and then you have to go on a treadmill and it’s like, Wait, what? Like, what am I doing? And I think the effect is is not that dissimilar with like, he’s asking for so much and it’s really not giving her very much in return. And also to me, if you get to the point where you’re fantasizing about breaking up with your partner as opposed to having sex with your partner or, you know, however you to interact, that really says pretty much everything. You know, I think that, like his masturbation habits are sort of neither here nor there, but the overall effect is like hugely wearing on this person.
S1: Yeah, read through your own letter because it makes the argument for why you should break up and move on with your life and find someone who cares not about you performing the hallmarks of engagement that he finds arousing, but actually being engaged with the sex you’re having. And that’s not something that can be coerced.
S2: Totally. The only other suggestion I’d give is if the sex drives are so wildly disparate, then perhaps opening the relationship would be useful. I’m not really convinced that they’re on such firm ground to do that, but certainly it is an option. It would allow him to have the frequency or. To get close to the frequency of sex that he wants or closer while giving her the break that she needs, again, that’s a big step. You really have to have a solid foundation in order for that to work. Otherwise it’s just going to be complications that lead to fights that lead to more fantasies of breaking up that lead to breaking up. But it’s something to consider if you could get there, I guess.
S1: I do think that is another possible way forward. Just my hackles are up. I don’t like it. It seems like bad news to me, and I feel like I have to express that.
S2: I totally agree. It doesn’t seem like a good match at this point. All right. Well, let’s go to our next question. Let’s see if this person is any luckier, dear.
S4: How to do it. I’m in my 50s. I’ve had many partners and I’ve been married and divorced. I’m very sex positive, and I perhaps enjoy seeing my partner satisfaction even more than my own. It’s a journey to heaven until I climax, at which point I dissolve into nothingness immediately after caring about nothing more in the universe. I don’t care about anything, including my partner. Well, they want to snuggle and feel loving and affectionate. I feel nothing at all. This feeling doesn’t last long. And after about 10 15 minutes, I start returning to normal. But in the meantime, that feeling of detachment is very unsettling. My partners always want to snuggle up and exude love and affection. I can’t imagine why I just did what I did, and I feel nothing. I feel all of the love and affection in the world before and during, and especially at climax. And then I am dead to the world. I have never mentioned this to any of my partners because it seems so detached. I don’t want them to feel bad. I sometimes kind of robotically go through the motions of snuggling and so on because they don’t want them to know that I feel dead inside. I do recover. I do love sex and I look forward to it every time. But immediately when it’s over, I don’t feel good at all. I don’t have any bad past experiences to explain this. I guess I’m wondering if this is within the realm of normal signed, dispassionate.
S1: So sometimes my friends bring me questions and I’m like, please write into the column.
S2: There’s a process,
S1: and in this case, I wish the letter writer was a friend because like the first thing coming to mind is if during this moment of nothingness, you applied a safe but sharp physical sensation such as biting a lemon or holding ice, would that put you back in your self? And I’m like, genuinely super curious because I have never heard of this. Maybe you have Rich. Please stop me if it turns out there’s a wonderful study.
S2: It sounds to me like it could be what’s called post-coital dysphoria. Now this feeling of nothingness I haven’t really come across, but post-coital dysphoria can include things that range from sadness to anxiety, agitation, anger basically any bad feeling after sex that isn’t typically expected, according to a doctor named Gail Saltz in a piece that I read about this. So I think maybe this feeling of emptiness could fall under that umbrella. If that’s the case, then it could be any number of things. He rules out trauma, but it could be a matter of a sense of guilt, feelings about sex in general and also hormones. I mean, definitely there are people who feel flooded with oxytocin after sex. And you know, we’ve heard from people who can’t not say, I love you. You know, during and after sex, maybe our relative right is wired differently and the exact opposite thing is happening. I don’t know. I wonder what you think about his pushing through and cuddling nonetheless. It seems to me like as much as that might suck in the moment if you understand what’s going on, if you understand that this is my ten minutes, a 15 minute window, I feel like maybe that’s good coping, but maybe he’s he’s stressing himself out needlessly by doing so.
S1: I mean, I think when we have something that we’re not finding descriptions of, the thing you do is try to gather some data. So try the weird sensation stuff, try pushing through. Maybe at this point in our writer’s life, they’ve done enough pushing through. I don’t know. Maybe they feel like they have that like under control and try expressing to partners, you know, I don’t want to go into detail, but for about 15 minutes after orgasm, I don’t really want to be touched or interacted with. And if you phrase that kindly, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable request, right? Like I’ve had partners warn me my orgasms are really intense. Do you want to be intensity to that?
S2: Yeah.
S1: No, literally. Like, that’s what it’s like. It’s like bearing witness. I’ve had to warn partners myself. Like, If you keep doing that, I may have met a liquid which science is still debating what exactly it’s made out of. Either way, it’s going to stay in your mattress.
S2: Science or no science? Yes.
S1: Clear crystal ball could tell you you need to put something down. But just communicating, Hey, this is how I am. Are you OK with that? Otherwise, you know, maybe our writer would prefer not to orgasm in some cases. Wait until they get home.
S2: That’s that’s a great idea.
S1: Yeah. You know, if they’re if they’re having the sex for the connection and they’re unhappy with the lack of connection after the sex is finished, after they orgasm, then you know how how much do you want the orgasm? And does it need to be right then?
S2: Yeah. Is it worth it? I mean, to me, I guess the idea that this could be chemical, it really it sounds chemical. To me, it sounds like a classic kind of dopamine depletion situation. So knowing that a it seems to fall under an umbrella of a recognized phenomenon, I hope provides a little bit of comfort overall because our writer is wondering if he’s normal. And you know, the answer is, as always, yes and no, but at least not alone. Broadly speaking. But I also wonder like the idea that it could be chemical? Can he do the Jedi mind trick of understanding? This is a chemical thing, I go through this every time it’s 10 to 15 minutes, it’s going to be over. And would that help mitigate the uncomfortable nature of that moment? Maybe not, but it just seems to me like recognizing it, understanding that this is how you’re wired. This is what you go through. There’s an end in sight. It’s right around the corner. Could that help you get through it a little bit more? Practicing mindfulness here with a situation that kind of sucks. It might be useful.
S1: I think that is another thing that should go on the list for sure. But trying all of the things, getting a better kind of like idea of the shape of what’s happening with the edges of it are, I think that will be really useful. And, you know, maybe reaching out to someone who specializes in this and sees patients is worth a try because they would have a higher likelihood of having encountered someone else who has a similar experience. You can go to a sect a s e c t, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Therapists and Counselors. Such a mouthful, but they have a directory of different kinds of providers. It’s worth reaching out. They’ve responded to questions from me in the past in a non journalistic capacity.
S2: Yeah, yeah. Good luck. It sounds sucky, but it also sounds like there could be some headway made it just in terms of coming to terms with it, if nothing else. So we’re pulling for you, right?
S1: We are. We’re rooting, we’re pulling or hoping. It’s a rough one. OK, that’s all for now. We’ll be back next Sunday. If you’re in need of sex advice, you can write to how to do it at Slate.com. How to do it or you can leave us a voicemail at three four seven six four zero four zero two five and we may use it on the show. Everything is anonymous and nothing is too weird or embarrassing.
S2: Our show is produced by child to how to do its editors. Jeffrey Deliver our letter readers are Shashua Leonard and Benjamin Frisch. Thanks for listening, and we’ll talk to you next time.
