Users

The Twitter Account for Telling Us Which NBA Team Is “FULL FILTH RAT”

@isjanosnba, we salute you.

Overly confrontational amateur basketball player on the court.
Janos goes hard in the paint.
Thinkstock/TrentBell

So much internet, so little time. Good on the Internet is our running attempt to highlight things that, in contrast to most of the toxic sludge found online, might actually make you smile.

Even though my feelings on sports mostly range from “uninterested” to “actively mad they’re allowed to exist,”* I am a member of the Slack channel we use to chat about sports here at work. What can I say, I like to know what my athletically attentive colleagues are buzzing about and get in some light trolling when I can. Plus, by lurking in Slate’s sports channel, I’ve observed that the sports internet can be a very funny place. Most of what happens there I don’t understand, but when I do encounter the rare internet sports thing that makes sense to me, I laugh faster than you can say “LeBron James cellphone radiation truthers.” I still think back fondly to that time that guy said something was a clown question, bro!

I am pleased to report that once again my membership in Slate sports Slack has paid dividends, because this week one of my colleagues introduced us to a Twitter account called @isjanosnba—and guys, Janos is big-time Good on the Internet. As far as I can tell, he’s this guy (note: He may not be a real guy) who uses Twitter to give every NBA team a grade, but the grade is always F. This shtick is kind of like @dog_rates, the Twitter account that exists to rate pictures of dogs on a scale of 1 to 10 but always ends up rating the dogs as like, 12 out of 10, because they are all such good boys, but you know what? I’m not mad at it. When you land on a formula that works, there’s no shame in sticking with it. Here are Janos’ thoughts on the Warriors:

This tweet is written in humorous broken English, and I’m not really here to interrogate just what is so humorous about broken English, it’s just funny, OK? I like how he always says “is Janos,” which is very humble. Here is what ol’ Janos has to say about the Pacers:

“[M]iddle suck team” is very good! And here, my favorite, the Janos treatment of the Knicks:

The “city is FULL FILTH RAT.” “[T]eam is full bum.” Yup, full bum. Sorry, but just purely as a lover of language, I am dying—that is wonderful way to describe a city and a team.

Janos once gave a team an A; it was the Pelicans (note from me: What are the Pelicans?), and according to my colleague Ben Mathis-Lilley (who is the person who found Janos for us all, bless), this has to do with Janos’ deep commitment to the 2008 Boston Celtics. I’m going to go ahead and say you can totally enjoy Janos without understanding what the Celtics are or what they did in 2008, but perhaps if you do have knowledge of such things it will further enhance your enjoyment. (I attempted to get more comments from Mathis-Lilley for this post, but he was unavailable Friday afternoon because of some bullshit.)

The Nuggets (another note from me: This is a team?) recently noticed Janos on Twitter and didn’t appreciate his commentary, which is sad.

On Wednesday, Janos broke from tradition and gave the Nets a C. I found it strangely poetic:

Is this what sports is? Watching teams go from “for all hopeless loose you are do for full year” to “soon big star do crush whole NBA”? What an inspiring, beautiful journey!

On Friday, Janos tweeted at Tom Hanks. I have no idea what the Celtics part of this means, but I love it! Janos, thank you for doing what you do.

*Except for Olympic gymnastics and figure skating, as is my birthright as an American female human woman/do not even dream of @-ing me.

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Heather Schwedel is a Slate staff writer.