Twitter has blessed this holy Friday afternoon with a gripping saga involving an office refrigerator, security footage, unbearable tension between co-workers, and shrimp fried rice. Naturally, a nation sits on the edge of its seat.
On Thursday afternoon, comedian Zak Toscani started a Twitter thread about a co-worker whose lunch had been stolen. He continued to update it Friday, partly in real time, as the person whose lunch was discarded viewed security camera tape of the crime and identified another co-worker, a woman, as the thief. She then came into work, and even though everyone knew it was her, showed zero remorse.
I don’t know if this story touched a nerve because it hit all the beats of a classic drama, because people are really up in arms over office kitchen violations, or just because it was a slow Friday. But the lunch thief has quickly been recognized as one of history’s greatest monsters, on par with Adele’s ex-boyfriends and Jar Jar Binks.
Several questions remain. In our age of disinformation, how can we even trust that this story is true? This guy’s Twitter bio identifies him as a comedian, after all. Perhaps more revealing, I find that most offices don’t have security cameras trained on their kitchens in the first place. And what kind of HR department would operate like this?
So there’s reason to take this story with a grain of salt. Of course, on the internet, there’s always a reason to take a story with a grain of salt. There’s also the possibility that the story turns out to be true … but the guy who’s telling it is a Russian agent or otherwise milkshake-ducks. Not that he seems like the type; but it’s Twitter, so you never know!
Still, like the last great story to permeate our collective consciousness, we can learn something from this, probably. Like, remember, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or maybe, don’t bring shrimp into an office kitchen. Or maybe, don’t underestimate the wrath of an office worker denied his takeout. Also, never tweet.
