Rejoice! This is how everlasting world peace begins.
MegaBots, an American robotics company, recently challenged Japan’s Suidobashi Heavy Industries to a giant robot fight. Now the challenge has been accepted. “We can’t let another country win this—giant robots are Japanese culture,” explained Suidobashi’s CEO, talking smack as he picked up the gauntlet. And so the robots shall duel. We can all look forward to a glorious gnashing of metal.
But there’s something far more important at stake here than mere corporate robot supremacy. I’ve been waiting for this day since 1989, when I first watched Robot Jox, the greatest transnational robot-fighting movie ever made. Robot Jox envisions a post–World War III future when all state-level conflicts have been outlawed. Sovereign disputes are instead settled via giant robot combat, with humans operating the robots from inside (much like this regular panda operates a giant, robot panda). In the robot melee featured in the film, the battle is over nothing less than possession of Alaska and all her natural resources.
I strongly encourage you to watch the Robot Jox trailer. Here is some representative dialogue, from a robot jock who is yelling at a rival robot jock as both are poised to strap into their robots: “I’m gonna get in this thing and I’m gonna kick your [cut to robot explosion that obscures the next word].”
Perhaps now you can understand why I’m so excited by the prospect of this upcoming U.S. vs. Japan robot donnybrook. I know where it leads. It means our future is safe, now. To paraphrase John Lennon and Yoko Ono: WAR IS OVER! (IF YOU WANT GIANT ROBOTS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER)