After 39 years of toiling in Ivanka’s shadow, it was finally your moment. Already a devout Republican and unquestionably the most groveling of his offspring, you were exactly the hype man your father needed: dumb enough to believe whatever Daddy told you, coiffed enough to look halfway decent on cable news, and more than passionate enough about hunting to rub elbows with the red state riffraff. That last one was something your father used to despise, but that all changed when he realized his base ate it up. And in return for you being precisely the happy warrior your father needed, Trump Sr. regularly acknowledged you in public and even let you get vaguely within touching distance. What more could a perpetual disappointment want?
Now, four years and 20,000 memes later, you’re 42, divorced, and of absolutely no use to your father whatsoever. Remember earlier this month when he joked about how he’d never speak to you or your brother and sister again if he loses? A funny joke when it comes to Ivanka (whom he worships), or Eric (who has remained deeply involved in the family business), but for you? Well, we hope you kept your Halloween costume, because that’s as close to Dad as you’re likely to get. But hey, look on the bright side. You’ve still got the love of none other than Kimberly Guilfoyle. And everyone knows that’s one love that lasts.
This is part of a series of goodbyes to Trumpworld figures. Read the rest here.