The Slatest

Tucker Carlson Would Like to Tell You About the Time His Package Got Lost in the Mail

Fox News host Tucker Carlson took to the airwaves Wednesday night, six days before Election Day, to inform viewers that he tried to overnight a package this week but it got lost in transit. Carlson did not provide any updates on what he had for breakfast. He did, however, spend multiple minutes weaving a tale about his missing package that hinted at a deep, dark conspiracy implicating, but never outright accusing—you guessed it—Joe Biden and the Radical Left! Carlson’s package, you see, contained “confidential documents related to the Biden family.”

Carlson, alarmed as always, recounts how he instructed his producer in New York to send said documents to Los Angeles, where he was interviewing a source, former Hunter Biden business associate Tony Bobulinski. The producer dutifully sent the documents on Monday via “a large national carrier, a brand-name company,” Carlson informed his 5 million nightly Fox News viewers in his ticktock account of the package-sending. But the documents never arrived! They spoke to the company, the host says. The company looked for the package, he assures viewers. A worker at a sorting facility had apparently noticed it had opened in transit and the contents were missing, flagging the issue at 3:44 a.m., Carlson adds with conspiratorial relish. The documents were missing! There’s an election next week; the hunt was on! The company double-checked with employees who had handled the item. They searched the sorting facility. But nothing! “They went far and beyond, but they found nothing. Those documents have vanished, ” Carlson said in his typically startled tone. “As of tonight, the company has no idea and no working theory even about what happened to this trove of materials.”

No working theories! No leads even! This has all the hallmark signs of just one of those things that happens sometimes … no, wait, I mean this smells like the work of … Democrats. Here’s a solution: Send them again, Tucker! We need to see these suckers! Or were these very important documents unable to be photocopied? The producer couldn’t have possibly been so boneheaded as to send the originals! Alas, America may never hear the goods on Joe Biden. Instead, Tucker Carlson gets a free pass to insinuate that he had them. Muzzled yet again, as the highest-rated cable news host in the country.

But now that you mention it, Tucker, maybe you’re right. Maybe FedEx or UPS (DHL? Nah.) is shadow-banning you! Wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened.

To quote the 1990s, you’re playing yourselves.

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