The Slatest

Wouldn’t It Be Nice to Get Knocked Out Cold With a Shovel for Exactly Six Weeks and Five Days?

A garden shovel lying diagonally on concrete
Apply directly to forehead. Ben Mathis-Lilley

I’m not depressed; I have a lot to live for. I am hopeful that we can make it through this mess—and even if I weren’t, I have kids whom I have to take care of, so I need to be around to fill “sippy cups” and stuff. I’m not giving up. I simply think it would be a relief to get knocked out cold with a shovel, in the manner of a cartoon character, for the next six weeks and five days.

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Here’s what I’ll experience if I am conscious for the next six weeks and five days:

• Anxiety every time a poll is released that shows Donald Trump losing the presidential race by anything fewer than 10 points.

• Spikes of even more intense anxiety before and during the presidential debates, which can only conceivably change the race in a way that is good for Trump.

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• Smoke scattering the sunlight in the upper atmosphere, a constant reminder that the opposite side of the country is currently going up in flames, as the Trump administration, which is seeking four more years in office, continues its policy of responding to the catastrophe by pretending it isn’t happening at all, if not actively making it worse.

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• Increasingly florid, paranoid ranting by the United States attorney general about the illegitimacy of mail-in voting and the seditious, revolutionary nature of civil rights protests.

• Anxiety about the lack of a coronavirus vaccine.

On the other hand, here’s what would happen if someone knocked me out cold for six weeks and five days and I came to on Nov. 3, rubbing my head, like, “Whoa, what was that?”

• It would be Election Day. No more polls, no more dark multiscenario speculation about electoral legitimacy.

• The debates would be over.

• There would, at the least, be more clarity on the vaccine issue.

• Sweater weather!

Is this not the ideal plan for me—and everyone else who is deeply concerned about the election?

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You might have some questions.

What about everyone who needs to use the next six weeks to work to keep Trump from getting reelected?

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According to polling, if everyone who doesn’t currently want Trump to be reelected got knocked out with a shovel, and simply regained consciousness in time to vote in the fashion of their choosing, he would lose.

What if you wake up on Election Day and Trump somehow wins? Won’t you just want to get knocked out with a shovel again?

It will be upsetting if he wins, but at that point we will have to get back to work preventing as many further catastrophes as possible.

How will everyone make sure they get knocked out hard enough to be “out cold” for the right amount of time but not so hard that they sustain permanent head damage?

Bugs Bunny will do it.

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