The Slatest

Trump Kicks Off 2020 Reelection Bid by Promising to Cure Cancer, Land on Mars, Etc.

President Donald Trump officially launched his reelection campaign Tuesday night during an Orlando, Florida, rally dubbed “45 Fest” offering this bit of sunshine to American voters about the post-apocalyptic hellscape that would be life in America following a Trump loss: Democrats “want to destroy you and they want to destroy our country as we know it.” And away we go! Trump 2020! USA! USA! Not much has changed in Trump’s brain since 2016, so, as you’d expect, many of the same words came out of his mouth, over and over and over again. In a speech that was predictably about the president’s sense of grievance, Trump did momentarily pivot toward … curing “cancer and others”! Something good?! Anything else? Oh, yeah, AIDS too.

“We will push onward with new medical frontiers. We will come up with the cures to many, many problems, to many, many diseases—including cancer and others and we’re getting closer all the time,” Trump said. “We will eradicate AIDS in America once and for all and we’re very close. We will lay the foundation for landing American astronauts on the surface of Mars.”

Setting lofty goals isn’t out of the ordinary for a president seeking a second term—even, ahem, Joe Biden offered up his own pledge to cure cancer—but it’s as if Trump ran out of things to scare the bejesus out of people with, turned to an adviser and asked: What do people want? Cancer? Mars? Hoverboards? If reelected, Donald Trump pledges that all Americans will be able to dunk a basketball.