The Slatest

The End of Trump’s State of the Union Was Just Really, Hilariously Poorly Written

Donald Trump smiles as Mike Pence stands to applaud. Nancy Pelosi is seated and smiling.
Vice President Mike Pence, President Donald Trump, and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi at Tuesday’s State of the Union. Doug Mills/Pool/Getty Images

We give Donald Trump a lot of grief around here (here = most of the United States) for being uniquely racist, incompetent, and cruel. But sometimes he’s also bad in low-stakes ways, like when he delivered this tremendously dumb conclusion to Tuesday night’s State of the Union, a half-assed bucket of word barf that was somehow both spectacularly purple and totally flat at the same time:

Here tonight, we have legislators from across this magnificent republic. You have come from the rocky shores of Maine and the volcanic peaks of Hawaii, from the snowy woods of Wisconsin and the red deserts of Arizona, from the green farms of Kentucky and the golden beaches of California. Together, we represent the most extraordinary nation in all of history. What will we do with this moment? How will we be remembered? I ask the men and women of this Congress, look at the opportunities before us. Our most thrilling achievements are still ahead. Our most exciting journeys still await. Our biggest victories are still to come. We have not yet begun to dream. We must choose whether we are defined by our differences—or whether we dare to transcend them. We must choose whether we will squander our inheritance—or whether we will proudly declare that we are Americans. We do the incredible. We defy the impossible. We conquer the unknown. This is the time to re-ignite the American imagination. This is the time to search for the tallest summit, and set our sights on the brightest star. This is the time to rekindle the bonds of love and loyalty and memory that link us together as citizens, as neighbors, as patriots.

This is our future—our fate—and our choice to make. I am asking you to choose greatness. No matter the trials we face, no matter the challenges to come, we must go forward together. We must keep America first in our hearts. We must keep freedom alive in our souls. And we must always keep faith in America’s destiny—that one nation, under God, must be the hope and the promise and the light and the glory among all the nations of the world! Thank you. God bless you, God bless America. Thank you very much.

From the Chicago-hued streets of Chicago to the mountains of [awkward pause] Mountainland, from the meth labs of New Hampshire to the numerous Florida beaches featured in the Girls Gone Wild series, America is a land of contrasts—and freedom. We must keep our country first in our hearts, we must keep the spirit of representative government alive in our souls, and we must keep a miniature copy of the Constitution upon our loins. Together, we fly above Mount Rushmore on the wings of the big eagle of liberty. His name is Mr. Liberty Eagle, and he screeches a song of patriotism. Thank you very much. Good night.