Trumpcast

A Letter to My Family Regarding the Mueller Investigation

Protesters walk through Times Square with a banner that says "Hands Off Mueller."
People protest on Nov. 8 in New York City.
Eduardo Munoz Alvarez/Getty Images

On this week’s Trumpcast, Steve Waltien writes an imaginary letter from a Mueller-obsessed husband to his wife and kids. Read a transcript of the letter below, or hear it in its original form by listening to the episode at about the 2:40 mark.

To my beloved family,

By the time you read this note, I will be gone. I can’t say when I’ll be coming back, but I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m no use to you the way I am now. This afternoon I gave my notice at work and checked into the Travelodge on Route 38, where I will live alone until this is all over.

I ask that you not contact me. It’s become clear to me that I do not have the bandwidth to be a husband, father, employee, or participating fantasy football league member until the Mueller investigation has fully played itself out.

I can’t think about anything else. All I do anymore is refresh Seth Abramson’s Twitter feed on my laptop while refreshing Ben Wittes’ Twitter feed on my phone, all while MSNBC is muted in the background. I was expecting things might wrap up soon, but when I saw the number of redactions in Tuesday night’s filing about Michael Flynn, I realized we are far from the end of this.

Beth, I apologize for not being a husband to you these past months. I am sorry I shouted the names David Corn and Michael Isikoff during an intimate moment. I should not keep my copy of Russian Roulette on the bedside table. I know I forgot our anniversary, but it was Friday, and I had to be ready because Mueller drops bombs on Fridays. I know I can’t be the man you need me to be until I see Don Jr.’s stupid face as he gets indicted, and then I see Sean Hannity’s stupid face as he tells us Don Jr. has been indicted. This is all I live for now.

Sadie, Dylan, Daddy loves you. Please stay focused on your schoolwork. I know I haven’t been much help of late, and I’ve been saying it’s because the new way of doing math makes no goddamn sense, but it’s really because I’m usually focused on something Rachel Maddow said the night before. And also, for the record, the new way of doing math makes no goddamn sense.

Please forgive me all of you, but you must understand there’s no way I can live a normal life and pay attention to anything else now that Mueller is actually filing things. I am like America—a shell of my former self. Only Robert Mueller can save me now.

Eat your vegetables and pray for me.

Sincerely,

Dan
your husband and father

P.S. Roger Stone pleaded the Fifth, and there’s no jail time for Flynn? That means they got him to give up a bigger fish, right, Beth?! Holy shit, this is better than Christmas.