Who Did a Better Job Scaremongering on Fox News: Eric or Lara Trump?

Eric and Lara Trump in their respective Fox News appearances
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by FoxNews.

This article is part of Watching Fox, a Slate series about Fox News.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Eric and Lara Trump are my favorite Trumps. Eric is a rich clod who resembles one of Dean Wormer’s henchmen and sounds like a sentient YouTube comment; his wife Lara has the affect of someone who would destroy your life for taking her parking space. They are both thoroughly inessential, which is why it makes sense that they are frequent guests on Fox News. On the morning of Election Day, Fox News viewers were treated to an Eric-and-Lara twofer, with Eric appearing live on Fox & Friends around 8:30 a.m. and Lara guesting on America’s Newsroom a few hours later. Who wore it better? Let’s find out!

Eric Trump on Fox & Friends

Sporting a five-day hobo beard, Eric struck a frantic and repetitive tone throughout his brief appearance on America’s least credible morning show. He kicked things off by completely ignoring Ainsley Earhardt’s opening softball. “Your father’s name is not actually on the ballot, but is it? Are people going to vote for the candidates, or are they going to support him?” Earhardt asked.

“His name’s not on the ballot, but America’s winning. America is winning. We are winning at everything we do,” Eric said. He then asserted that his father had made America the greatest country in the world and whined that Barack Obama had a “personal problem” with his father. “He’s taking credit for a lot of my father’s accomplishments,” said Eric Trump, not bothering to name which accomplishments he was talking about. The Fox & Friends hosts did not disagree.

“This country is winning! I mean, we are winning!” Trump added.

In true Trump fashion, Eric then ineptly swiped at Democrats and the media. “If you can’t win on true accomplishments, and things that you can quantify, let’s just talk about style all day. And I don’t think Americans care about style,” said Trump, who, again, was wearing a five-day hobo beard. “I think Americans care about results. I know I care about results. And, again, this country’s doing great. This country’s doing great. And the media refuses to cover it.

“And what do the Democrats stand for? I mean, what are the Democrats running on right now?” Eric continued, going on to demonstrate that he had no idea what they’re running on (which, fair point): “Let’s double everybody’s taxes. They’re running on: Let’s attack law enforcement. Let’s abolish ICE.”

“Health care. They’re running on health care,” interjected a subdued Steve Doocy.

“They’re running on health care, which is a system that Obama broke,” Eric said.

“Yeah, and the Republicans blew it by not coming up with a repeal-and-replace plan,” said Brian Kilmeade, in what struck me as, at least in part, an early attempt to insulate President Trump from blame for the GOP’s projected House losses by finding fault with the Republican congressional leadership. “They set themselves up for this.” Eric Trump nodded and made no other response. As usual, he didn’t have anything to say, but at least he didn’t fall over in his chair. This guest spot was a smashing success!

Lara Trump on America’s Newsroom

Though Lara only spoke to Sandra Smith of America’s Newsroom for approximately four minutes on Tuesday morning, it was long enough for viewers to verify that she is thoroughly a Trump. Her tone was cheerfully alarmist. She noted that the Trump presidency was a “family ordeal” and that “the most important thing that we could all do as a family, really, was to get out on the campaign trail here for these midterm elections and make sure that people understand exactly what the president has been saying at all of his rallies.”

What the president has been saying, of course, is that the migrant “caravan” is coming, and that Americans should be very, very afraid. Lara said this too. “You do have a caravan of people that I actually would refer to more as an invasion than a caravan. It’s very scary,” she warned. “For friends of ours on border states, they really are taking this very, very seriously. You have thousands of people that are saying, we’re gonna bust through your borders, we’re not gonna obey your laws, we’re not gonna do anything the proper way. That should be a threat to everyone in this country.”

On Monday, Lara had been in Florida campaigning for Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis—“a great guy,” she said—and on America’s Newsroom, she proceeded to stump for DeSantis by maligning his opponent, Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum. “I think the people of Florida are taking very seriously the fact that his opponent is running as a socialist. That is incredibly scary to people in this country,” asserted Trump. “If you want to know what socialism looks like, look at Venezuela. That is not something that we want to have happen in the United States of America. Andrew Gillum has been very clear what he wants to do with Florida, and it’s going to drive people away from Florida.”

Trump ended her appearance by predicting that female voters will lead the way to a Republican victory tonight. “From what I can gather from so many women out there, they may not tell anyone, they may not be telling their friends or posting on social media, but when it’s just them in the voting booth and they think about where we are in the country, that the future looks better for them, for their children, and that they’re safer in this country, I really think a lot of women are voting for Donald Trump,” said Lara Trump. Her guest spot was much less entertaining than her husband’s but also much more measured and on message in her scaremongering. Lara Trump wins today’s Fox News Morning Trump-Off.