The Slatest

How Will the President Respond to His Penis Being Described as “the Mushroom Character From Mario Kart”?

On the left, Trump's face; on the right, Toad from Mario Kart.
Sorry!
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty Images and Nintendo.

Well, let’s get this over with. Alleged former Donald Trump paramour Stormy Daniels has written a book in which she describes the current president’s penis as looking like the character Toad from the racing video game Mario Kart, and the Guardian got a copy:

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

Here is what a Yeti is supposed to look like. Here is Toad from Mario Kart. Here is a container for you to spew in.

Daniels has said she had a brief sexual relationship with Trump that began in 2006. Trump has denied the affair but paid Daniels $130,000 through attorney Michael Cohen to sign a nondisclosure agreement during the 2016 campaign. (That agreement is essentially moot at this point, legally speaking.)

Will Trump respond to Daniels’ description? His history of not turning the other cheek when it comes to graphic subjects suggests he will. During the campaign, he urged Americans to “check out” a “sex tape” (which was actually footage from a reality show) involving Alicia Machado, a former Miss Universe contestant who said Trump made disparaging comments to her about her weight. Trump also responded like so, during a primary debate, to fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s insinuations about the potential connection between his hand size and his penis size:

He referred to my hands—if they are small, something else must be small—I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. 

So, yes—the president of America will likely make written or verbal remarks, at some point in the near future, defending the visual appeal of his penis and pubic hair.

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