The Slatest

Chuck Schumer’s Statement on the Meltdown of the Executive Branch Is So Feeble It’s Almost Impressive

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer at the State of the Union address on Jan. 30.
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer at the State of the Union address on Jan. 30.
Win McNamee/Getty Images

The White House and its own State Department are currently involved in a public war about how the secretary of state got fired. The president’s personal assistant has been dismissed amid reports that he is being investigated for “serious financial crimes.” The president’s nominee to lead the CIA (whose current director, Mike Pompeo, has been nominated to take over at State) turns out to have been personally involved in torture* and the destruction of related evidence. And that’s just the stuff that’s going on in the White House today!

Let’s see what the most powerful elected official in the nation’s opposition party has to say about all of it:

“We hope that they will turn over a new leaf.” Someone hose down Comandante Schumer before he accidentally starts the revolution!

Nancy Pelosi came out firing too:

A diminishment of credibility? [Crowd gasps, several people faint. A child asks his mother, “Can she say that???”] Nancy, don’t hurt ’em!

Can I say for certain that Democratic Party leaders would be better off politically if they stated the plain truth about the goon circus of racists, embezzlers, and ding-dongs that is running the country rather than occasionally projecting a limp theatrical air of disappointment that the administration is not committed to finding bipartisan solutions or whatever? No, but I can say that statements like the ones above, and like this …

… are sapping my will to vote, and also to live. (Will Donald Trump ever live down Tim Kaine’s fiery accusation that he has “tank[ed] bipartisan congressional efforts”?)

Here’s hoping top Democratic speechwriters and communications specialists “turn over a new leaf” sometime soon!

Correction, April 13, 2018: This post originally stated in error that Trump’s CIA nominee (Gina Haspel) had overseen the torture of a specific mistakenly identified suspect (Abu Zubaydah). The publication that reported Haspel’s role has since retracted its report.