The Slatest

37 Questions About the New York Times’ #MeToo Ukulele Video

1.    Why does this song encourage a man to masturbate into a plant?

2.     Hasn’t one of the clearest lessons from the #MeToo movement been “do not masturbate into plants, or any other elements of home décor”?

3.     How can the singer be “single this year for the very first time”?

4.     Has she literally never been without a boyfriend?

5.     For her whole life?

6.    Was she ever a child??

7.    What exactly does the singer want Oprah to do when she asks her to “please save my brain”?

8.    Did Cathy, of comic strip fame, consult on this production?

9.     Can you tell me more about how much it sucks to be straight?

10.  If the singer can shift her sexual orientation to marry a cat, could she not make the much smaller leap to just start dating human women?

11. Is the song empathizing with straight women who date a lot of annoying guys, or lampooning the idea that women might reject men who react poorly to discussions about sexual harassment?

12. What are three pewter teapots doing on a dusty end table in the background?

13. Does it make sense to conflate the Trump resistance, #MeToo, #yesallwomen, debates about white feminism, and the push for an Oprah presidency in a single jab at left-leaning discourse?

14. Are these not unique cultural entities with their own specific lexicons, gender dynamics, and pet issues?

15. How do cats feel about being used as an infantilized, desexualized punchline in this song?

16. Is the cat punchline supposed to draw a parallel between bestiality and rape?

17. Between cats and human women?

18. Between imaginary pet abuse and actual instances of sexual exploitation?

19. Has the writer of this song ever really read “Cat Person”?

20. Does she get why it’s weird to yearn for her own “cat person” in the song, in the context of this viral short story to which it almost certainly refers, because the “cat person” in the story is bad at sex and ends up calling his sexual partner a whore?

21. Does the singer have trouble dating because her standards for how men should treat women have risen?

22. Is that a bad thing?

23. “Produced by Bari Weiss”?

24. What’s with all the talk of triggers and microaggressions?

25. Is anyone actually using those terms to talk about sexual harassment?

26. Did a medium-precocious sixth grader write these lyrics as a class assignment?

27. Has anyone ever used the phrase “this guy’s clearly a foe” if they weren’t trying to rhyme with “Joe Schmoe”?

28. Why does the singer three times insert the word singing before singing a phrase?

29. Doesn’t everybody get that she’s singing?

30. Why is there an “and” in “2018”?

31. Was the joke, as it were, of this video that men are sensible, well-meaning, if sexually unappealing adults and women are hypersensitive, buzzword-spouting teenagers?

32. Was the joke of this video that women are overstating their concerns about sexual assault and systemic bias, since most men are, at worst, oblivious buffoons?

33. Was the joke of this video that women have been driven insane by the current news cycle, to the point that they are unable to interact with men in benign, everyday situations because they think everything a man does is a sex crime?

34. Has the New York Times seen the New Yorker’s own cutesy attempt to poke fun at political correctness with acoustic instruments?

35. What did the New York Times think?

36. Does the New York Times agree that the New Yorker’s thing was very bad, but still better?

37. “A-truck’n”?