The Slatest

How to Rescue Jerry Jones and Roger Goodell’s Relationship

Two households, both alike in, uh, dignity.

Jonathan Ernst/Getty Images

The NFL is in the midst of a palace drama deserving of its own PBS mini-series. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is reportedly doing everything in his power to undermine and hamstring commissioner Roger Goodell, just as Goodell is angling for a lucrative contract extension. According to ESPN’s Don Van Natta Jr. and Seth Wickersham, Jones has pledged to “to make Goodell’s life miserable.”

The reporting of Van Natta Jr. and Wickersham (as well as ESPN’s Chris Mortensen) has been so revealing that one can only assume they have all been shrunk down in order to eavesdrop from within the fibers of the league office’s carpeting. According to their ESPN The Magazine story, tensions between Goodell and Jones arose after the commissioner doled out a six-game suspension to Cowboys star running back Ezekiel Elliott in response to a domestic violence investigation. When Goodell informed Jones of the decision over the phone in August, the Cowboys owner reportedly shot back, ”I’m gonna come after you with everything I have…If you think [New England Patriots owner] Bob Kraft came after you hard, Bob Kraft is a p—y compared to what I’m going to do.”

The two were thick as thieves until Goodell’s handling of the Elliott affair. For years, Jones had been one of Goodell’s most reliable backers, and his sway helped Goodell rise to the position of commissioner in 2006. Goodell returned the favor by supporting Jones’ efforts to build a lavish, $1.3 billion stadium. Despite all this, their love story has come to a tumultuous end. Jones has fervently (and effectively) fought the Elliott suspension in court, but he hasn’t stopped there. Now, he’s going after Goodell’s job, and it has taken a toll on the commissioner. According to the ESPN story, “[Goodell’s] face has changed due to relentless stress; it is now sallow and lined and tired.”

Other team owners have been forced to take sides, and the league is “teetering on an all-out, unprecedented civil war.” If Goodell and Jones can’t patch things up, there’s no telling what could happen to the NFL. In order to “protect the shield,” it is imperative that these two warring parties do the sensible thing and Google “how to rescue a bad relationship.”

WikiHow, the internet’s freest and most animated advice network, has some tips. On their “How to Rescue a Relationship” page, they suggest that you first “decide if you are both committed to saving the relationship” and then “consider the reasons why you are still together with your partner.” The latter is obvious: Goodell and Jones are together to manufacture leverage against the players in order to maximize profits for team owners, who then pass along their thanks to the commissioner in the form of an embarrassingly rich contract.

If WikiHow’s sensible guidance isn’t satisfactory, Goodell and Jones would be well served to consult Yahoo Answers, which is like an advice column crowdsourced by deviant illeterates. There, a user asks, “Should I break up with my girlfriend? She doesn’t work and I would be lucky to get sex 2 times a week.” The top-rated answer should give the quibbling Goodell and Jones a lot to chew on:

“u expect that without commitment? maybe she will be the one looking for someone who really loves her…u are lucky…think about that”

Think about that, gentlemen. As a wise sage once wrote, “u are lucky.”