The Slatest

Donald Trump Has a Magnetic Personality and Exudes Positive Energy, According to Bananas White House Statement

Just a bunch of guys who love working for their boss!

Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Images

The Washington Post’s Ashley Parker has a comprehensive story about Donald Trump’s “snubs and slights,” which somehow spins one of the few truly admirable qualities of Donald Trump’s personality—his glee in belittling and humiliating the boot-lickers and opportunists who choose to work for him—into a negative. Working in the Trump White House, Parker reports, is basically like working for an insult comic who’s always trying out new material. From casually shattering Sean Spicer’s dreams of meeting the Pope to warning everyone from his U.N. ambassador to his sons that he can fire them any old time he pleases, Trump regularly rewards his employees’ loyalty with undermining pettiness.

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To respond to this assertion that working for Donald Trump is awful, the White House’s Hope Hicks released a remarkable statement that was absolutely not dictated by her boss while he paced behind her, furiously chewing gum:

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President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor . . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.

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What a set of things to say about a president who’s consistently miserable, sarcastic, and angry! Like many such over-the-top statements from the Trump White House, it scans equally well in Trump Voice and Drippingly Sarcastic, John-C.-McGinley-in-Scrubs Voice. All you need is to add some italics:

President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats eeeeeeeeeveryone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor . . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.

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