The Slatest

The Top 10 Reasons Donald Trump Is Refusing to Throw Out the First Pitch of Baseball Season

Donald Trump at a New York Mets home game on April 5, 2012.


Nick Laham/Getty Images

Here’s a news item regarding Donald Trump and the ceremonial first pitch of the Washington Nationals baseball team’s season:

And here’s a comedic premise based on that news item:

These are the top 10 reasons Donald Trump is refusing to throw out the first pitch of the Nationals’ baseball season.

10. Gesture would implicitly condone actions of Cuban players who helped Ted Cruz’s dad shoot President Kennedy in the head

9. Hands too small, can’t grab ball

8. Unclear where ball should be grabbed anyway given that it doesn’t have a [redacted]

7. Players are too old and too male to make for good locker-room sleazeball creeping

6. Upset that Obama beat out Mike Trout for ISIS MVP award despite worse advanced stats

5. Disappointed when someone told him there are no Trump University alums playing in the game because Trump University didn’t have a baseball team and was, in fact, a high-pressure sales scam rather than a real institution of higher learning

4. Presence of actual, complete, non-imaginary wall in outfield makes him jealous

3. Can’t sleep because he keeps seeing this on the inside of his eyelids every time he tries to get even a moment’s peace. By God, her visage haunts his very dreams.

2. Would probably be booed mercilessly given that he has an extremely low approval rating and would be appearing in a city in which he only got 4 percent of the vote anyway

1. Still upset about 1947 integration of the major leagues

Thanks for reading! No. 2 is probably the real reason. Also No. 1.