On Thursday afternoon in Providence, Rhode Island, a plucky underdog won the hearts of right-thinking, basketball-loving Americans. Sadly, though, the UNC–Wilmington Seahawks could not overcome the star power of Duke’s Brandon Ingram; that guy who looks like Ted Cruz; and an off-brand Plumlee brother. A few hours later, Yale beat Baylor. If Yale is plucky, then I hate pluck. Makai Mason is good. So is Justin Sears. But there’s never been an inspirational sports movie about a team that soars to victory after its captain gets expelled from school due to a sexual-misconduct allegation.
With the bad guys going 2-for-2, the stage is now set for the most irksome game in the history of America’s least irksome sporting event. It’s George W. Bush vs. Richard Nixon. Theo Epstein vs. Christian Laettner. Morgan Stanley vs. Deutsche Bank. Slate vs. Wherever Duke Grads Work. Catamarans vs. Monohulls. Chenille vs. Seersucker. Connecticut vs. New Jersey. People Who Couldn’t Get Into Harvard vs. People Who Couldn’t Get Into Yale.
This is going to be a tough weekend. If you’re on Twitter and someone mentions SAT scores, block them.
If you’re following Darren Rovell, unfollow him immediately, then delete your account.
There is some comfort in knowing that Duke and Yale played earlier this season, and the nation somehow survived. Yale and Duke researchers also teamed up recently for a study in which they discovered that the “decision to be generous or not arises from a specific process in the amygdala.” I’ll give you a specific process: Whoever wins this game loses to Oregon, and we can forget this whole thing ever happened.