Former Late Show host David Letterman says he had no regrets about retiring. Until recently that is. “I retired and … had no regrets,” Letterman told a crowd in San Antonio, where he made a surprise appearance at Martin Short and Steve Martin’s A Very Stupid Conversation show on Friday night, according to Rolling Stone. “None. I was happy. I’ll make actual friends. I was complacent, I was satisfied, I was content. And then a couple of days ago, Donald Trump said he was running for president, [and] I have made the biggest mistake of my life, I tell you.”
Letterman then reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope: “Every suit I own comes with a Top Ten list.” He then went on to read from the “Top Ten Interesting Facts About Donald Trump.” It was all caught on video by an audience member who posted it on YouTube. But if you don’t want to watch the whole video, here are Letterman’s “interesting facts about Donald Trump”:
10. That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack.
9. During sex, Donald Trump calls out his own name.
8. Donald Trump looks like the guy on the lifeboat with the women and children.
7. He wants to build a wall? How about building a wall around that thing on his head?
6. Trump walked away from a moderately successful television show for some delusional bullsh … oh no wait, that’s me.
5. Donald Trump weighs 240 pounds—250 with cologne.
4. Trump would like all Americans to know that thing on his head is free range.
3. If president, instead of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving, he plans to evict a family on Thanksgiving.
Tied with: That’s not a hairdo, it’s a wind advisory.
2. Donald Trump has pissed off so many Mexicans that he’s starring in a new movie entitled No Amigos.
1. Thanks to Donald Trump, the Republican mascot is also an ass.