If you’re a [cough, cough] completely innocent resident of Pittsburgh who’s been [exaggerated wink] “wrongly” accused of a crime, Daniel Muessig is the criminal defense attorney for you. Muessig has released a hilariously blunt advertisement for his services featuring a montage of (fictional) local rapscallions committing crimes like burglary, home invasion, prescription fraud, conspiracy, drug trafficking, prostitution, and solicitation, all of whom thank Dan for representing them after they make off with their loot. “I’m the Pittsburgh criminal defense attorney Pittsburgh criminals hire when they commit crimes,” says Muessig.
Lawyering isn’t Muessig’s only hustle. When he’s not starring in viral videos or successfully reducing the bail of a suspect in a bakery robbery, Muessig also dabbles in freestyle rapping and crime novel writing. His 2011 e-book Nightwork, set in Philadelphia, follows a “small group of young Jewish criminals” who “fight to control a slice of the city’s marijuana trade. But it all unravels in a few days, leaving one man to avenge his friends, elude police, and survive in a pitiless city.”
Editing a flashing “REAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY” sign over your sales pitch might make lesser lawyers seam unserious, but by the video’s conclusion, Muessig’s schtick has us convinced that he’s the man to call should we ever find ourselves in a sticky situation in the greater Pittsburgh area. “Any criminal defense attorney who promises you a result is most likely a liar or a scumbag,” Muessig declares correctly. “But what I can promise you is my committed, fighting effort to make sure you’re adequately defended on any charge that you’re facing.” He adds: “I pick up the phone, I answer calls, I return letters, and I make jail visits. Because I’ll probably be there, visiting my friends anyway.”