Dumb Criminal of the Week: The Drug Smuggler Whose Fake Breasts Were Made of Cocaine

Cocaine Implants
Two cocaine-laden breast implants.

La Policía Nacional/Spain

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Name: Unnamed chesty Panamanian woman

Crime: Drug smuggling

Fatal mistake: Making it clear where she was hiding the drugs.

The circumstance: If you’ve ever been to Colombia, you know that departing passengers are subject to much scrutiny, as security agents are worried that travelers will be smuggling cocaine in their luggage, or on their person. The last time I was there, in 2011, I was patted down at least three times, and all I was carrying was counterfeit money. Trust me, these guys are serious.


On Wednesday, one suspicious passenger made it out of Colombia but caught the attention of Spanish officials when her flight landed in Barcelona. This voluptuous Panamanian woman was only offering “vague answers” about what she was doing in Europe. As reports, it wasn’t long before the agents noticed something was amiss: “When a female officer patted down the woman, she found bloodied bandage material under the passenger’s breasts. The gauze, the officer found, was covering incisions. And the breasts were hiding ‘a white foreign material.’ “


The suspect explained that her breast implants were still healing. Which is fair enough—I, for one, am always fidgety and nervous when I board a plane with a chest that is still bloody and oozing from augmentation surgery. What if I leak on my seatmate?


Anyway, this woman wasn’t lying. She had just received fresh breast implants. What she didn’t say, though, was that the implants were filled with cocaine—three pounds worth, to be precise. After transporting the woman to a hospital, doctors extracted two bag-shaped prostheses from her chest. She’s now in jail.

How she could’ve been a lot smarter: She could’ve waited for the implant scars to heal. Surreptitiousness is the name of the game when it comes to drug-running. Bloody bandages and prominent scarring will call attention to your stash. You might as well be wearing a full-chest tattoo reading “Double Ds mark the spot.”

How she could’ve been a little smarter: Started crying about how she was the victim of some inept “street doctor,” like that dude in Florida who was using cement to give people butt implants.


How she could’ve been a little dumber: “Why did I come to Barcelona? Let’s just say I was driven by something deep within my breast. Ha ha, there’s a riddle to keep you busy, you fools.” [laughs knowingly while tapping her breasts]


How she could’ve been a lot dumber: “We’ve all snorted cocaine off a woman’s breasts. Who wants to snort cocaine in a woman’s breasts?”

Ultimate Dumbness Ranking (UDR): If only her plan would’ve worked, we would’ve had to inaugurate the Smart Criminal of the Week feature just for her. Unfortunately, it didn’t, and everyone involved with this crime shares the blame. Attention, drug gangs: If you’re going to employ a buxom drug mule to carry cocaine, then don’t hire Edward Scissorhands to install the implants. Attention, drug mules: Don’t be vague to customs agents. “Oh, this and that” is not a good answer to “What are you doing in Barcelona?” 4 out of 10 for the nameless Panamanian drug courier.

Previous Dumb Criminals of the Week: The Guy Who Gave the Cops an Absolutely Terrible Fake Name, The Job Candidate Who Told the FBI about His Child Porn Stash