In his book Sad Monsters, Colbert Report writer Frank Lesser explores “monsters who are sad, misunderstood, discouraged, lonely, and in many cases demonized, particularly the demons.” Lesser’s 39 essays include two that originally appeared in Slate, “ The Yeti Wears Prada” and “ How To Find the Genie of Your Dreams.” In the piece excerpted below, he delves into the secret world of unicorns. Read more at sadmonsters.com.
Hey, preteen girls, put down the rock ’n’ roll music records and listen up! If you give up your virginity before you get married, you’ll miss out on something far better than sex: befriending a unicorn.
The little-known fact is, every abstinent teen gets her own unicorn as her BFF. Why do you think good girls don’t mind 9 p.m. curfews? I’ll give you one hint: unicorn slumber parties!!!
You see, in medieval times, a virginal maiden would sit alone in the woods until a unicorn, enchanted by her purity, approached and laid its head in her lap. At which point, the waiting hunters would reveal themselves, and presto—unicorn kebabs. Of course, nowadays most unicorn meat comes from factory farms, which means wild unicorns can spend their free time teaching virtuous girls how to wear makeup without looking cheap.
The only reason abstinence promoters don’t tell everyone about this is because then we’d run out of unicorns.
However, one night of mind-blowing, soul-shattering ecstasy means you’ll never in your life enjoy this magical creature’s gentle nuzzling. (It feels like taking a bubble bath full of giggling puppies!) And unlike a sex-crazed boyfriend, a unicorn will never “use” you. Sure, sometimes you and your unicorn will have movie night plans to watch My Friend Flicka, and he’ll come over to your place and immediately want to lay his head in your lap, and then after a couple of hurried minutes of lap cuddling he’ll make up some excuse about how he has a lot of work to finish before rushing out the door. But it’s worth it, because unicorns eat your nightmares.
I know about the joy of unicorns firsthand. When I was a teenage girl, my best friend was a majestic unicorn. Arondel would let me ride him and braid his mane, and we’d stay up all night dishing about our Bible crushes. (For the record, I was crazy about Judas. I guess I like the bad boys!) Of course, now that I’m married to my Lutheran summer camp counselor Peter, Arondel and I only meet up for coffee a couple of times a year, and the conversation always feels a bit forced.
You might be wondering, “If you’re telling the truth, then why haven’t I ever seen a unicorn before?” That’s a very good question. You’re a very smart little girl. Good luck trying to find a husband!
The reason there are so few unicorn sightings today isn’t because they are mythical creatures that never existed, but because of modern society’s moral depravity. This is why you will never see Lady Gaga riding a unicorn. In fact, she’d be lucky if she got to split a milk shake with a narwhal.
Don’t fret if you’ve already given in to temptation. Unicorns are forgiving creatures—to a point. If you’ve had fewer than four sexual partners, and you pray really hard to God to restore your virginity, and you take a purity pledge, you won’t get to pet a unicorn, but it might still accept your Facebook friend request. However, if you’ve had more than four partners and you so much as wave to a unicorn, the beautiful creature will gore you with its deadly horn. Harsh, but it is a fate far better than the crippling sexual diseases you no doubt contracted as a result of your harlot’s escapades.
Of course, if you’re no longer a virgin, there are still plenty of other mythological creatures who’ll be your friend. Like the Minotaur. He’s a great listener, providing you speak loud enough that he can hear you over his cud-chewing.
So the next time your boyfriend tries to get you to “go all the way,” tell him you don’t want to “horse” around, because you’d rather get “horn-y” with your platonic unicorn. Then be sure to tell your unicorn what you said. They love puns, and every time a unicorn laughs, an angel has tender sexual intercourse on her wedding night. And nine months later, a rainbow is born!