Dying Postal Service Leaves America One Great Gift

On its way to total collapse, the United States Postal Service wants to raise the price of regular stamps 2 more cents , along with increasing various other postage rates. The people who mail you things you want * have teamed up with the people who mail you things you don’t want to protest the proposed new rates, which would make it 8 percent more expensive for the former to deliver magazines and 5 percent more expensive for the latter to clog up the entire mail delivery system with waste paper.

So now those flexible-rate “forever” stamps will turn out to have been a decent purchase, if you can figure out where you stashed them while you were paying your bills online. Check the middle drawer on the desk, maybe? When you do find them, have a look at the text. It says:


Damn right. Let’s make that our new national motto, something to remember the Postal Service by. Put it on the money, instead of that cheesy, fake-pious “In God We Trust.” USA FIRST-CLASS FOREVER . Paint it on the noses of the Predator drones. Sew it on your Tea Party Gadsden flag . Stick it on the bumper of your Escalade Hybrid and drive west. Or east, depending on where you’re starting from. USA FIRST-CLASS FOREVER .

* Except Glamour. Stop sending me Glamour! It is ugly and depressing.