1:01 p.m.: Wow! The wait is over! The new Yankee Stadium! More than $1 billion, and worth every penny! Spectacular! Wow!
1:08 p.m.: Steeeee-rike! The first pitch! A new era has begun!
1:10 p.m.: Something wrong with the pitching rubber?
1:19 p.m.: You’d think they would keep an extra pitching rubber nearby.
1:35 p.m.: There it is! First home run in the new stadium! Derek Jeter! Upper deck!
1:41 p.m.: There it is! Second home run! And until this moment, nobody had ever hit a fair ball out of a Yankee Stadium! This is incredible! I can tell my grandchildren I was here!
1:42 p.m.: Two home runs hit out of Yankee Stadium! Who thought Cody Ransom had that kind of pow—
1:43 p.m.: THREE! Must be some wind current up there. That was a checked swing. Well, at least the Yankees have a 12-run lead. That should please the fans.
2:03 p.m.: Well, so much for the 12-run lead. Hopefully, the Yanks can come back in the bottom of the second.
2:05 p.m.: I forgot to describe the huge, high-def video scoreboard in centerfield. It’s incredible! You can see every detail of the game on a wide-screen. It’s riveting.
2:13 p.m.: On the scoreboard, a fan behind home plate is flashing his penis.
2:15 p.m.: There he goes again! Big crowd roar. Here comes security.
2:19 p.m.: Wow! That guy really squirmed from the jolt of the Taser. You could practically feel it on the wide-screen.
2:22 p.m.: I’ve heard about the luxury boxes. Let’s see what they’re like. There’s a security checkpoint nearby.
2:35 p.m.: Just my luck—I’ve been chosen for a strip search. Shouldn’t be much longer.
2:45 p.m.: Apparently, my background check turned up an unpaid parking ticket from 2002. As soon as the credit card clears, I can return to my seat.
2:56 p.m.: There it is! First fistfight in the upper bleachers! These are always fun to watch!
3:02 p.m.: Holy Cow! After a 150-foot drop, the guy must be paste! They’re going to need a blotter.
3:05 p.m.: I hope that section can get counseling.
3:33 p.m.: Do I smell smoke?
3:35 p.m.: Well, the sprinklers work!
4:01 p.m.: Why is the scoreboard blinking?
5:31 p.m.: Good news! The radio says power should be restored in 15 minutes.
5:40 p.m.: Glad I’m not one of those poor people trapped down in the steakhouse.
5:44 p.m.: I wish those steakhouse people would stop screaming. They made their point. Yeah, it’s dark and hard to breathe. Move on!
5:50 p.m.: Electricity restored! Play ball!
6:10 p.m.: You know, when your team scores 25 runs, you ought to win the game.
6:30 p.m.: Some commotion in the Great Hall. Let’s see what’s going on.
6:43 p.m.: Wow! The giant Joe DiMaggio picture has torn loose, and it’s dangling right above us! UH-OH, it looks like it might—