Low Concept

McCain’s Next Stunt

Slate readers predict the candidate’s next Hail Mary.

John McCain.
John McCain

After John McCain suspended his presidential campaign last week, Slate invited readers to suggest other Hail Mary stunts the Republican candidate might pull before Election Day. You sent us nearly 1,000 ideas. Here are some of our favorites:

  1. Pledges to send former Wall Street CEOs to Guantanamo. (John Kirkbride)
  2. Announces that Track Palin has captured Osama Bin Laden—in Iraq. (Peter Van Buren)
  3. Adopts “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on the environment. (Linse Henley)
  4. Rears head and flies into Russian airspace. (Ryan Greenlaw)
  5. Has President Bush use his executive privilege to declare McCain the winner. (Matt Logan)
  6. Proposes a game of Risk with Obama—winner takes all. (Anonymous)
  7. Bolsters Sarah Palin’s foreign-policy credentials by giving her a German shepherd, a Siamese cat, and a Dutch long-eared rabbit. (Cheryl Lynn Helm)
  8. Announces his Cabinet: the Harlem Globetrotters. (David Churchman)
  9. Upon reflection, admits that “ABBA sucks.” (Larry Miller)
  10. Announces that if elected he will appoint Gen. Petraeus secretary of the Treasury. (Roger Tompkins)
  11. Heads to Switzerland and brazenly toggles the on/off switch of the Large Hadron Collider. (John Flowers)
  12. Tints his hair a warm chestnut brown. (Kathryn Schorr)

… and here are some of the proposals that were sent in by multiple readers:

  1. Funds bailout by selling Cindy McCain’s clothing, jewelry, or homes.
  2. Switches spots on the ticket with Palin.
  3. Drops Palin, announces Joe Lieberman, Mitt Romney, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, or Michael Phelps as new running mate.
  4. Divorces Cindy, marries Palin.
  5. Doesn’t divorce Cindy, moves to Utah, marries Palin.
  6. Divorces Cindy, moves to Massachusetts, marries Joe Lieberman.
  7. Announces Palin is pregnant.
  8. Announces Cindy is pregnant.
  9. Announces he is pregnant.
  10. On eve of the election, changes his name to Barack Obama.
  11. On eve of the election, changes his name to McLovin.
  12. Takes time away from the campaign to reflect on the death of his best friend, Goose.