Keeping Tabs

Hubbard Holmes-Cruise?

TomKat squabbles over baby names. Plus, more from this week’s tabloids.

Hubbard Holmes-Cruise? Life & Style still thinks TomKat is history. The tab quotes an “insider” who says, “She’s hating life, and she feels it’s all Tom’s fault.” But Star says the pair are still together and are busy arguing about their kid’s name. He wants “Ron” or “Hubbard,” after Scientology’s esteemed founder. “Katie, however, is concerned that calling the child Hubbard would make her baby a laughingstock. … Undeterred, Tom loves to rub Katie’s belly and say hi to his ‘little Hub,’ a source says.”

Americans in Paris. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been living in Paris for much of the past month, and this week Us and Star go all-out detailing their French lifestyle. Their St. Germain high-rise is apparently not quite the finest in Gallic luxury: “One of their neighbors” tells Star that a “sickly, cabbagelike smell fills the entire building.” On the bright side, though, the tab reports that Jolie is enamored of the local brie. “Angelina was in here the other day and shouted, ‘Where’s my cheese!’ says a cashier at the 8 à Huit grocery. ‘She can’t get enough of the stuff.’ “

Britney takes a solo vacation.
Does that mean she’s through with Kevin? No way, says Us! But Star thinks it’s over. The tab’s elaborate take: Kevin ditched Brit on Valentine’s Day, saying that he’d made a commitment to hang out with his friends. Britney responded, “Yeah, you made a commitment to me, too, and you’ve broken that.” Then, she packed for Maui in a huff, “left a note for Kevin on the kitchen counter … and asked him to move his things out of the house.” Want more evidence? While his wife and son were in Maui, Kevin spent time “at Hollywood hotspot Privilege” where he “sat down and looked sullen when Britney’s song ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’ came over the sound system.”

Will George Clooney take Teri Hatcher to the Oscars? Us says the relationship between Desperate housewife Teri Hatcher and former Facts of Life player George Clooney is over. Though “a source” gleefully divulges, “There were sleepovers!” things supposedly went bad once Hatcher wanted to get serious: “She wanted to have family outings with George [including bowling with her daughter, Emerson, 8], but he wanted nothing to do with it.” But the Enquirer’s Mike Walker reports that the “desperately coy are-they-or-aren’t-they woo-woo-some-twosome” is still together and that Hatcher will be Clooney’s date to the Oscars on Sunday, contrary to the claims of a British reporter who said Clooney denied it. Writes Walker, “NOTE TO BRIT SCRIBE: You’re playing with The Big Dog now, punk-ass. Let’s see who’s right on Oscar night!”

Teenage dragueurs rebuffed by Angelina Jolie. Us says that a few teenage French boys saw Angelina Jolie in a park and inquired as to the whereabouts of her famous boyfriend. When she said— en français— that he was in the United States, one teen replied: “We’ll keep you company if you’re lonely!” Alas, their adolescent dream of scoring with a twice-divorced pregnant chick was shot down. Jolie replied— en anglais—“I’m OK, but thank you so much, guys!”

Jude Law’s seduction technique.
According to Star, the nanny-loving Brit “hooked up at the Chateau Marmont” with a post-separation Jessica Simpson, and now she’s “being deluged by a flood of e-mails, phone calls and text messages” from the star. “A friend of Simpson” says, “Jude is telling Jess that he ‘hungers for her’ and that he goes to sleep ‘dreaming about her lips, her smell and her laugh’ … It’s a little corny, but Jessica is loving it!”

Adam Sandler’s snacking technique.
Star reports that the actor got in trouble at the Seattle opening of the musical adaptation of his film The Wedding Singer. “An eyewitness” says, “Adam was weaving back and forth and was stopped trying to smuggle a bag of Cheetos into the theatre.” But he “must have charmed them, as he was soon seated and snacking.” The article’s inevitable coda: “His rep denies it.”

Madonna’s gruesome hands. InTouch quotes a Madonna “pal” who says, “Madonna has tried everything to keep her hands looking as young as the rest of her body, but nothing seems to work.” The pictures accompanying the article confirm that, yes, Madonna has the hands of the 470-year-old she is. As a last resort, the tab says, Madonna “has been stocking up on gloves in every material and color.”

More star flaws.
This, sadly, is my last “Keeping Tabs” column, and it wouldn’t be a proper farewell without an installment of the Enquirer’s deliriously mean-spirited “Star Flaws” page. This week, Brooke Shields is caught with some chewing gum sticking out of her mouth. The tab’s caption: “Brooke Shields upchucked a wad of gum but somehow resisted the urge to spit it out. Gross!” Juliette Lewis was caught mid-cringe in a sweat-stained shirt. The caption “Juliette Lewis was madly in love with Brad Pitt back in the day, but now she’s just mad and loving her sweaty pits!”

Thanks for reading! I’m off to recycle months and months of old celebrity weeklies.