Keeping Tabs

Baby Brangelina

The tabs play catch-up. Plus, Britney’s new religion.

Baby Brangelina.
After getting scooped last week on Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy, the tabs run photos of Pitt and a visibly pregnant Jolie (there’s a broad consensus that she’s five months in) in Haiti doing charity work. Star frets about Jolie’s health, reporting that she “collapsed and gashed her head,” and that “she’s looking really frail and she’s pale and gaunt. I heard her doctor has put her on a high-risk pregnancy alert and Brad has been trying to persuade her to go on bed rest, but she won’t hear any of it.” InTouch reports that Jolie got pregnant because, “She feared she’d lose [Pitt] if she didn’t have his baby.” Life & Style claims to know how Pitt reacted when Jolie told him she was pregnant: “He’s so emotional—Angelina had to wipe tears from his cheeks and tell him not to cry,” says “a friend of Angie’s.”

How’s Jen taking the news?
The sensationalists have fun with this one. Star’s take: “It’s as if a dagger pierced Jen’s heart,” says a friend of the actress. “She’s shattered.” InTouch quotes a “pal” who says, “She took the news badly. … She cried her eyes out.” Life & Style has the most damning quote (and the most roundabout sourcing): ” ‘It’s almost as if Brad sat down and planned all the things that would hurt me from the day he met Angelina, then put the plan into effect,’ a teary Jen later told close pal Courteney Cox, an insider says.” But People and Us Weekly are more subdued. “An insider” tells People, “Jennifer is fine, she’s not upset at all. … She has moved on from this a long time ago.” Even if that’s true, the tabs clearly haven’t.

Britney goes Hindu.
Confronted with paparazzi pictures of Britney Spears leaving a cleansing ritual at a Hindu Temple in Malibu, Calif., the startled tabs—which have long placed Brit in the Kabbalist camp—struggle to devise a coherent narrative. InTouch goes with its standard, total-bullshit lede: “As Britney Spears bundled up baby Preston in a blanket and buckled him securely into his car seat, she was eager for him to receive a very special religious blessing. … ” Us sums up the prevailing story: “According to sources close to her, the singer, who has suffered months of marriage and family woes, is so conflicted about her relationship with Federline that she’s ditched her ring of late and is turning to a higher power for help.” Star, meanwhile,says the singer is having weight problems, and that Federline isn’t much help. “I hear that he makes, ‘oink, oink!’ noises when she’s eating,” a “source” tells the tab.

Inside Eminem’s wedding.
Everyone covers the second marriage of Eminem and Kim Mathers. Their relationship has been tumultuous, to say the least—Star notes Em’s “Kim: Rot in Pieces” chest tattoo; InTouch thinks it’s a stomach tattoo with “R.I.P. Kim” written on a tombstone—but the wedding, which was attended by 50 Cent, is said to have been a low-key, joyous affair, with chicken fingers, steak, and lobster on the menu.

Odd couple alert.
Kanye West and Pamela Anderson? InTouch has “an eyewitness” who saw the pair in an L.A. club. “Kanye started to rub her back. Then they were making out passionately—and I mean really passionately.”

The newly divorced.
How’s life for Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? A paparazzi shot of Simpson looking contemplative in the wine aisle at an L.A. Ralph’s has InTouch asking, “Drowning her sorrows?” Other tabs report that Lachey was seen with a pretty brunette (“in a low-cut top,” per InTouch) at an L.A. club, and some say he left with her. Life & Style has “a Jess insider” sum up the situation: “Nick’s as horny as the day is long. … That’s why he always gets himself into such trouble.”

Paris Hilton pees in a cab.
The Enquirer says that a drunk Hilton was in a Maui, Hawaii, taxicab, and that as she got out, the driver, Harden Jamison, “saw that she’d peed all over.” The saga continues: “Coincidentally, the next night Harden was again hailed by Paris and pals. He picked them up—and made his accusation. Wailed Paris: ’It wasn’t me!’ Snapped Harden: ‘I kept the towel … I’VE GOT THE DNA!’ “