Keeping Tabs

Angelina Jolie’s Lesbian Exploits

Plus, the best tabloid correction ever.

Correction: Teri Hatcher does not have a passion wagon. Buried on Page 30 of the National Enquirer is a small-type “apology” to the Desperate Housewives star: “A cover story we ran entitled ‘Teri Hatcher—Amazing Bedroom secrets’ was based on an interview sold to us by an experienced freelance journalist who we now believe never actually conducted the interview. … Ms. Hatcher has never engaged in sexual relations with men in a van parked on her property, nor does she leave her child alone in her house while having ‘steamy romps’ with men in a ‘passion wagon.’ … We also published a story suggesting that Ms. Hatcher … had become ‘desperately thin’ and was ‘wasting away.’ … We now know that during the past seven years, her weight has fluctuated by only three pounds—a result of healthy diet, moderate exercise and a good metabolism. Ms. Hatcher is fit and looks great, and her healthy appearance is nothing new.”

Angelina Jolie’s lesbian exploits.
In a documentary called Angelina: Saint or Sinner that aired on British TV, model Jenny Shimizu dishes about her relationship with Angelina Jolie. Choice quotes repeated by all the tabs: “I’ve never kissed anyone with a bigger mouth than Angelina. It’s like two waterbeds.” And, less explicably: “Sometimes we go to her property in Cambodia and explore the jungle.” Shimizu also claims that even though Jolie has a boyfriend, she still calls on Shimizu to “take care of her sexual needs.”

Stars’ plastic surgery?
Life & Style is back on the plastic-surgery beat, alleging that some stars younger than 25 may have gone under the knife. The alleged nip-and-tuckers? Jessica Simpson for breast implants, Botox around the eyebrows “to enhance her arch,” and lip augmentation; Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for “cookie-cutter nose jobs”; Britney Spears for breast implants, a nose job, lip augmentation, and teeth bleaching; and Nicole Richie for upper-lip augmentation and reducing “the buccal fat pads in her lower face.”

Brad Pitt’s mom prefers Jen to Angelina. Star alleges that Pitt’s mother Jane and Jennifer Aniston are still close. “A source” says Aniston “really wanted to hear Jane say the story [of Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie’s kids] wasn’t true—but Jane confirmed it and the tears started gushing! Jane was very understanding and she grasped immediately how hurtful this news was to Jen.” The tab also contends that Jolie keeps her distance from her boyfriend’s family. “A source” says, “They’re just a regular Midwest family and not that worldly—that’s probably why they think she doesn’t want to get to know them. She’s a huge star who travels the world, does all this humanitarian work and is highbrow. Jen was a lot more down-to-earth and normal.”

Nick and Jessica still divorcing. Everyone says the ex-Newlyweds’ divorce is getting ferocious, but no one has evidence to prove it. Us’ headline: “Nick & Jessica: THEIR BATTLE HEATS UP!” The story’s text: “In the weeks since Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson announced their separation … the stars have been quietly getting on with their lives.”Life & Style claims Simpson has changed her phone number and forbids anyone to give it to Nick. The Enquirer reports that Lachey, in a last-ditch bid for Simpson’s affections, held a “super-secret recording session … and poured out his love on a for-her-ears-only album of romance classics.” The tab says the track list includes Endless Love, Second Time Around, You Are Everything, and Your Precious Love.

The tackiest couples of 2005.
Star calls out the year’s most appalling pairings and prints tsk-tsk quotes from respondents to an online poll. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown take the top prize, with one reader saying, “They have a daughter to worry about, but all they seem to do is think of themselves.” Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (“If she’s acting, she’s doing a great job”), Britney and Kevin (“She’s a has-been and he’s a never-was”), and Jude Law and Sienna Miller (“They have such low standards of people in love”) also make the cut.

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston’s secret code.
Star reports that Vaughn was recently spotted looking impatient, and “a witness” tells the mag, “Vince made a signal of a train conductor blowing a whistle, presumably to mean, ‘this train is leaving.’ … Responding in kind with a ‘woo-woo’ was none other than Jennifer Aniston.”