Keeping Tabs

Department of Labor

Britney’s plans for a Kabbalah birth, and more from this week’s tabloids.

Britney Spears stocks up on bottled water. In Touch reports that Spears “will deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water—costing a whopping $3,800!” And according to Us Weekly, the pop star may name her baby boy Preston, “an English moniker that means ‘dweller at the church.’ ” Spears’ husband, perennially unemployed former backup dancer Kevin Federline, is also getting spiritual: He was spotted by Star clutching a copy of Deepak Chopra’s The Book of Secrets. The caption? “Kevin: deeper.”

Ben Affleck stocks up on granola.
Us fronts new pictures of Ben Affleck and his pregnant bride Jennifer Garner, reporting that the pair will have a girl, and that Affleck is living a healthier lifestyle. Though he hasn’t given up cigarettes yet, “‘he’s all about health-food stores and working out’” says “an Affleck pal.”

Cameron Diaz chews too loudly, threatens relationship.
In Touch says that Diaz and boyfriend Justin Timberlake are having problems, and that “even Justin’s mom, Lynn Covington, is encouraging her son to break it off.” Unmentioned as a factor is the tiff described by Star, in which Timberlake was angered by Diaz’s loud popcorn chewing during a screening of Hustle & Flow. “One moviegoer” claims to have overheard the pop star say, ” ‘Why do you have to be such a baby!?’ ”

Angelina Jolie grants interview in supermarket. Star’s cover story on Jolie makes you feel bad for the homewrecker/goodwill ambassador. While grocery shopping with her two young children, Jolie was accosted by an anonymous Star writer—sorry, “congratulated by a Star reporter on her July 6 adoption of Zahara”—and supposedly told him or her, “Brad and I are going to adopt a lot more babies.” The article then describes the pain and suffering Jolie faced as her path out of a store was “crowded by paparazzi.” On the next page, of course, are photos.

Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn.
Or at least making a movie with him. Life & Style’s “Jen’s in Love!” cover story has “8 pages of exclusive photos!” of the two stars together. Aniston denied that the two were an item in her recent Vanity Fair interview, and her rep is quoted saying that the photos ” ‘are from a scene in the movie.’ ” But, says the tab, “sources report they saw no film crews or movie cameras at the location.” Star says that the pair “have hooked up at least twice,” an assertion that is both oddly specific and totally vague.

Tom Cruise wins some, loses some.
In Touch, writing about Nicole Kidman’s search for a new beau, quotes “a pal” of the actress saying, ” ‘Nicole hasn’t settled with anyone else since the divorce, because they aren’t as smart or together as Tom.’ “Cruise, who has lately been more associated with terms like “dissociative behavior” than “smart” or “together,” was declared by Star this week to be “Not” rather than “Hot.”

Jude Law woos Sienna Miller, goes without pants.
Everyone says that famous philanderer Jude Law is still trying to win back Sienna Miller; In Touch notes that he calls her before she begins every performance of As You Like It, and that “she always takes the call.” And though they surfaced too late to make this week’s tabs, photos of Law, on vacation and totally naked, turned up earlier this week. The shots were met with widespread derision.

The tabs get the little things wrong. Among the many reasons to take the tabloids with a shakerful of salt is their tendency to flub the easy stuff. Take their recent mentions of Woody Allen’s new movie Match Point— last week Us said that Scarlett Johansson plays a tennis star in the film, but her character is actually an actress. And this week’s OK! described the movie as a romantic comedy, when it fact it’s a Dostoevsky-influenced tragic drama. We can only hope this means we’ll be spared another potential film mentioned by OK!: a Cruise-Holmes remake of Roman Holiday.