Anti-Terrorism Valentine’s Day Tips

The Office of Homeland Security explains it all for you.


“Officials said their Monday briefing was just the first stage in a highly orchestrated, long-term public education campaign that will provide information about the wide variety of possible terror attacks and how to respond to each.”

Washington Post, Feb. 13, 2003

Office of Homeland Security: Recommended Valentine’s Day Precautions

A valentine is an ideal conduit for coded messages. A capital “C,” for instance, denotes the crescent moon, a well-known symbol of Islam. If your Christian name begins with the letter “C” (examples: Caroline, Charles, Colin, Condi), do not accept valentines from anybody.

If your name begins with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, you may accept valentines, provided you:

  • Do not accept a valentine from any registered foreign national.
  • Open the envelope outdoors, no closer than 20 feet from any other individual.

A bouquet is an ideal conduit for toxins, some of which may occur naturally. It is strongly recommended that you accept no flowers at all, and that you report immediately the name of anyone offering you flowers to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Recognizing, however, that some will ignore this warning, we urge these individuals to spray their flowers with a quick-drying sealant, wrap them tightly in Saran Wrap, and place on a very high shelf.

Chocolates with filling (examples: coconut, nougat, truffle) are an ideal conduit for fissile material. Do not accept or give any. Solid chocolates are a safer alternative. Wash thoroughly before eating.

Mouth saliva is an ideal conduit for smallpox, Ebola, and other highly contagious and deadly viruses. It is strongly recommended that prior to kissing anyone on the mouth or cheek, you seal your mouth with duct tape.

Sexual intercourse
Even in conditions of yellow alert, the Office of Homeland Security does not deem safe any sexual congress between unmarried individuals. During this orange alert emergency, the president has issued an executive order forbidding all Americans from proceeding beyond “second base.”

The Office of Homeland Security wishes all Americans a “terror-free” Valentine’s Day!