The Breakfast Table

Mud-Wrestling Figure Skaters and Other Innovations

I always want in on female mud wrestling.

Who’s your pick—Salé or Kerrigan? Both have enormous teeth, so we’ll call that a wash. I think Kerrigan has the non-tooth-size advantage, given those long legs. But Salé seems scrappier. You can imagine her getting really fierce down in the mud pit, pulling out all the stops, and Kerrigan screaming “Why me? Why me?” and crying muddy tears.

Apparently, skating and the WWF are already pretty much identical. Or so says this essay by a woman who’s familiar with both.

The curlers endorsing brooms is pure genius. Why has no one thought of this before? We’ve finally found a way to make housework exciting. It’s a little like NASCAR, in that both sports involve everyday activities. Everyone’s driven a car, and everyone’s used a broom. And the sweepers are like a pit crew, with their carefully choreographed frenzy of motion. Of course, the curlers will need tobacco company sponsorship to compete. But isn’t it safer to smoke in an ice rink than at a race track filled with oil and gasoline?

If ESPN can air bowling all day (as it lately has), why not curling? I seriously find curling more entertaining. It’s becoming my favorite Winter Olympics sport.