Keeping Tabs

Steamy, Sizzling, and Bikini Waxed

Celebrities get worked up for spring.

Tabloidland is in the throes of a full-fledged bout—nay, epidemic—of good old-fashioned spring fever, with everyone feeling just a tad friskier than usual. (Lucky for them, the Star reports that Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss is back in business.) The tabs can’t seem to get enough of the words “steamy,” “kinky,” and “sizzling” these days. The Globe quotes extensively from Suzanne Somers’ new book, proclaiming that she’s “back with a vengeance sexually” thanks to a regimen of natural hormones: “I went from looking at [my husband] with irritation to seeing him and thinking, ‘Heeeey, big boy.’ ” Not to be outdone, the Globe reports that CBS morning anchor Jane Clayson has a big crush on Survivor contestant Colby Donaldson—so big that her “unbridled lust” has actually begun to intrude on her professionalism. “It’s gotten to the point where Bryant [Gumbel] has told her to cool it,” says a source. After airing a clip from Survivor, Clayson is said to have exclaimed (and we quote), “Colby is a hunkarama—woo-hoo!”

Colby may be otherwise engaged, however. According to this week’s Globe, Donaldson and fellow Survivor contestant Jerri Manthey were caught in flagrante in the Outback, an escapade captured in a “shocking video” now “making the rounds of Hollywood.” One “Tinseltown exec” deems the tape “totally raunchy.” (In other Colby news, the Enquirer is on the case with a report that Donaldson “is hiding a shocking secret—he was arrested for public intoxication after he was found facedown in a puddle of his own vomit!”) In the Survivor tabloid sweepstakes, however, Jerri—the Star calls her a “temptress in a B-cup”—makes Colby look like Mother Teresa. Several weeks ago, Manthey’s ex-husband supposedly told the Star that she is a “sexy, man-eating witch,” while the Enquirer claimed she once had a “wild romp” with actor Lou Diamond Phillips in the back of her sister’s VW bug. The latest Jerri gossip comes from ex-boyfriend Dale Powers, who dished to the Star for last week’s “Survivor Jerri’s Naughty Sex Diary” story. Powers tells of the “sizzling contents of a secret sex diary” in which Manthey reportedly “kept details of all the lovers she’s had since she was just 14.” Alas, no excerpts. (For those looking for a more wholesome take on the Survivor cast, head for the Enquirer, which reports that contestant Rodger Bingham is only on the show in hopes that he will “lead people to God through example.” Expert psychiatrist Dr. Walter Smitson affirms that “there’s almost a supernatural aura about this guy.”)

If it’s big-screen steaminess you’re after, this week’s Enquirer claims to have the skinny on how Oscar winner Julia Roberts’ supposed “Sexy Secret Life” has infuriated her steady beau, Benjamin Bratt. The story is illustrated with “shocking never-before-seen photos” that the Enquirer claims show Roberts in a “steamy love tryst with another man.” The other man is said to be bartender Ross Partridge, who—according to the Star’s supposed list of Julia’s last 12 lovers—dated Roberts back in 1996. The “sizzling exclusive Enquirer photos” are said to “capture the passion and intensity of their love affair, a stark counterpoint to the reserved public outings of Julia and Bratt.” The cover photo is the raciest of the lot. Wow! Passion and intensity central! They’re … hugging and smiling at the camera!

Keeping Tabs was similarly perplexed by the Star’s claim that alleged double agent Robert Hanssen had a “secret, kinky obsession” with actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, given that the only evidence for said kinkiness is reported to be the fact that a search of Hanssen’s home turned up “two photographs of the beautiful actress.” But we digress. According to a source, after seeing Zeta-Jones do her thing in Entrapment, Hanssen was “like a lusty teenaged boy.” His favorite part? “The scene where Catherine was wearing a skin-tight black outfit as [Sean] Connery teaches her how to become a cat burglar.” (Don’t even ask about The Mask of Zorro: The Star says Hanssen “fell even deeper under a spell. … He had a vivid fantasy life and loved imagining himself in the role of an international spy, with Catherine by his side.”)

In other tales of public servants feeling zesty, the Globe says that preparing for an appearance in an HBO documentary about the impeachment scandal has loosened Monica Lewinsky up, leading her to confess a “new series of kinky misdeeds” with Bill Clinton. “She’s filling in the blanks and opening a whole new sexy can of worms,” explains a source. Monica’s new revelations reportedly make Clinton appear to be a “sexual sicko, someone with a whole lot of weird desires and sexual hang-ups,” confides a “close friend.” Clinton supposedly wanted to hear about Monica’s other sexual experiences, wanted her to use four-letter words during phone sex (isn’t that kind of the point?), asked her to perform strip shows for him, and expressed an interest in getting “some of her young friends to join in their games.”

Speaking of young friends, the Globe claims that Anna Nicole Smith has taken up with a “secret gay lover”: her 21-year-old assistant Kim Walther. A friend says that Smith “lavished” Kim with gifts for her 21st birthday, including an “expensive laptop computer,” a “beautiful pendant from Neiman Marcus,” a manicure, a pedicure, and “even her first bikini wax! Anna also paid off Kim’s Jeep Cherokee.” (Keeping Tabs is still debating which is more touching, the bikini wax or the Cherokee.) According to the Star, Walther actually moved into Smith’s room at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center during her recent 14-day hospitalization: “Every morning, Kim would run down to the little shop in the hospital and buy a can of Cheez Whiz to bring back for Anna Nicole’s breakfast,” says a source. Ahhhh. There’s nothing quite like true love in springtime.