The Breakfast Table

The Times Is Smarter Than You

Dear Will,

How dare you cast aspersions on data collected by the New York Times–parent company of the Boston Globe, the Spartanburg Herald-Journal, the Tuscaloosa Shit-Kicker, Golf Digest, Wine Today, and the Democratic National Committee.

You know, Will, the Times was built during the 19th century by a wide-eyed kid named Adolph. He left the Deep South with nothing but a mule, the shirt on his back, a bucket of dirt, the modern equivalent of $1 billion in venture capital and a dream.

The dream was to build a great paper: one where drooling, senile coots who used to run the place could slander each other in the Op-Ed pages when they weren’t boring readers to death in the Magazine; one where Frank Rich could regale The People with tasty anecdotal morsels from his latest Harvard reunion; one where legally blind fashion editors could land lucrative TV contracts selling cargo pants to mall rats.

All the news that’s fit to print. The Gray Lady (tarted up a little for New Year’s). The Kingdom and the Power. And the tri-state TV listings.

Times staffers are experts. They’re smarter than you, and if they write a story proving that the Intellectual Property Thief Community is both more and less likely to buy CDs, then it must be so.