News Quiz

No. 390: “Digni-Tease”

“They had a record of doing it with dignity,” said Tom McNaught of the Kennedy Library Foundation about its partner on a new project. Who are “they,” and what’s this new dignified joint venture?

Send your answer by noon ET Tuesday to

Thursday’s Question (No. 389)—”Brand Aid”:

Snuggle fabric softener, Brut deodorant, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!—what’s the connection?

“Props for a frat prank George Dubya did NOT, repeat NOT, take part in, at the Tri-Delt house that night when he didn’t take part in it, in the mode of being there, yes, but not actually ‘taking part’ in it.”—Ellis Weiner

“A desperate Cosmo editor comes up with three more ‘ways to spice up your sex life.’ “—Matt Sullivan

“Things that, when held in the hand of a black man, justify the use of deadly force by the NYPD.”—Beth Sherman

“None of them are butter. Except mmmmmmaybe for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter … no! None of them!”—Francis Heaney

“Hey, Cineplex pumps it; I just eat it.”—Chris Kelly

Click for more answers.

Randy’s Wrap-Up

On this the second anniversary of News Quiz, in lieu of the regular wrap-up, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on what we’ve accomplished so far. OK. That was inspiring. (And of course by “inspiring” I mean “a terrifying reminder of the yawning grave that awaits us all.”) And now, I’d like to let you know a little of what we’re planning for the future.

Streaming audio, video, and olfactoro, which will let you actually smell the beloved national figures you’re mocking.

We’re planning some really serious cardiovascular problems to help us regain the country’s affection. Interested participants can e-mail me for our fried-in-lard cookbook and a release form.

I don’t like to talk about this one until it’s nailed down, but it looks like we will be hosting the 2008 Olympics, perhaps in Tim Carvell’s house.

A 3-D, or perhaps 4-D, swimsuit issue that will let us travel through time via soft-core pornography.

On a sadder note, we’ve begun planning for the death of Strom Thurmond, should Satan exercise the opt-out clause in their contract. While most of the former segregationist’s body will be flying over the South Carolina Capitol, his ass might—fingers crossed—become the new lovable cartoon mascot for News Quiz. And, if the team at Microsoft Research is as good as its word, it’ll talk.

See you all tonight at the big party.

Euro-Downsizing Answer

They’re made by Unilever, and they’re history.


Unilever plc, an Anglo-Dutch conglomerate and the world’s leading maker of consumer goods, plans huge cuts in brands, plants, and jobs. Over the next five years, it will eliminate 75 percent of its 1,600 brands, close 100 factories, and fire 25,000 people, about 10 percent of its work force.

Unilever had sales of $44 billion in 1999. It expects these cuts to deliver annual savings of $1.5 billion by 2004 and enable it to better compete with American rivals that have already downsized. Last June, Procter & Gamble announced a plan to fire 15,000 people.

Among Unilever’s brands are Good Humor, Vaseline, Q-Tips, Birds Eye, Lipton, Ragu, and Pepsodent.

Jonathan Akins’ Irrelevant and a Little Frightening Extra

Dear Missy,

My poem is, I love bats I love bats,

I love bats because they

eat cats so they are fat.

That’s why I love bats.

Tourist-Tempting Extra

Taken from ads in “The Sophisticated Traveler” section of Sunday’s New York Times, all of the following tourist slogans are genuine, although the location each touts has been changed. Can you provide the actual locations?

1. All of the magic of our ancient land, just a stone’s throw from London—unnecessarily belligerent slogan for Belfast

2. With such welcoming friends, can I stay here forever?—Attica

3. It’s when you feel smallest and most insignificant that you feel most alive—Jupiter, or the homes of any of my relatives

4. Have you ever measured a day by a heartbeat instead of a clock?—Cedar-Sinai Cardiac Intensive Care Unit

5. Energize your body and nourish your soul—I believe this alludes to the incredible popularity of Ecstasy

6. I am a test pilot for pleasure—Elizabeth Taylor had this tattooed on all her husbands

7. Early settlers blazed these trails out of a rugged wilderness—Elizabeth Taylor has this tattooed on herself

8. So many things to do. So close together—Unofficial slogan of the No. 6 train


1. Wales

2. Greece

3. South Africa

4. Barbados

5. Puerto Rico

6. California

7. New Hampshire

8. Maryland

Common Denominator

Fabio + Last Tango = Lifetime cable remake.