The Breakfast Table

Moesha Rehydrates; Gary Coleman Liquidates

Dear Todd,

I guess the lesson that is to be learned from the Times article you mention on Page A12 is that if you’re going to get involved negotiating with Nazi-era slaves, you’re just going to have to expect them to be a little grumpy and that is all there is to it.

I’m terribly sorry to hear about the horrible coffee incident. Nothing remotely as dramatic happened here with the exception of a particular moment that takes place many times a week during the dog breakfast period, usually at about the halfway point. Suddenly all four of them seem overcome with the idea that someone else got a better breakfast, even though they all get the same thing. So they freeze. And then, in a move not totally dissimilar to musical chairs, they all change places and grab a different bowl. It’s kind of Joffrey Ballet moment and it’s very, very beautiful, as you can imagine. Particularly at this time of year.

They’re reporting in USA Today that a United Methodist pastor was defrocked for officiating at the wedding of two men. I can not for the life of me understand why so many people are so upset at the idea of gay marriages. It’s not as if the heterosexuals have been doing such a great job as keepers of the flame. I mean, the heterosexuals could not have made a bigger mess of the whole marriage thing if they had intentionally set out to do so. In fact, it often occurs to me that it would be a very good idea to just give the institution of marriage exclusively to the gay community for 6 or 8 years and let them refurbish it, like they do with rundown neighborhoods. Then, once they’ve fixed it all up and made it cute and appealing again, we can have it back to defile and degrade.

The Post is reporting that the Enquirer is reporting (and now I am reporting) that our friend Moesha wound up dehydrated because of diet pills. I suspected as much from the start. I thought to myself “Aha! I bet she’s taking diuretics.” But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to upset you. You are from Wisconsin. You don’t know about these things. But we here in L.A. know that although it doesn’t happen often, every now again one of our TV stars is not as stable as we supposed they were. And I guess that is what happened here because not only was our friend Brandy/Moesha apparently upset that she “had put on weight in her bust and thighs”; she also revealed that she did indeed have a very tenuous grasp on reality when, according to the article, she threw her script at the show’s producer’s on Nov. 8 and screamed, “This is a bunch of crap and I’m not doing it anymore!” Plus, to add insult to injury, she then went on to drop to the floor screaming, “I just can’t do it anymore.” Can you imagine? Apparently those diet pills affected the way her brain was working because, as I certainly don’t have to remind you, we’re talking about the script for Moesha! I trust that her network will see to it that she gets some counseling.

OK, I’m going to sit down and read the real part of the paper now. But I do want to add that after I saw the piece in USA Today about the Web site where the newly bankrupt former child star Gary Coleman is auctioning off, among other things, his spatula, his ice scraper, his gray leather couch (current bid is $307.50, but there are still 10 days left), and “the shirt off Gary’s back” (opening bid $20, and it says, “We’ll even let you take it off him”) in order to raise money “to be able to pay my rent, electricity, car insurance and water bill” I went snooping around to see if there was something special I might send to a certain coffee-stained Onion employee. That’s all I’m going to reveal at this point.