The Breakfast Table

Area Man Admits to Lack of Interest in Football

Dear Merrill,

Wow. I think I might finally be getting the hang of this getting-up-before-midafternoon concept, and with absolutely no dog-assistance whatsoever. Just a short note to get the ball rolling this morning: I know this is a national forum and all, but since the other Breakfast Table participants I’ve read seemed to have no qualms about discussing what was in their local news (Long Island politics, the New York Senate race, etc.), I figured I’d follow suit. Man, that Bill Leuders is really hopping mad about the zoning board today! OK, so maybe that one doesn’t work, but I thought I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the biggest local news of the week (all right, who am I trying to kid, the year) here in Madison: Wisconsin is going to the Rose Bowl! Ron Dayne Badger football kicks ass! WHEEEEEEOOOOOO!

Everybody here is soiling themselves over this development. Actually, though, I have to admit that I’ve never really had any much interest in football. At least, I don’t think I have … is that the one where the people all drink out of the backs of their pickups for like six hours, and then the team runs out to like kettle drums and blaring brass bands, and the crowd stomps on the bleachers and they chant fascist propaganda really loud in unison, and paint themselves and scream like apes and dislocate each others knees and people get crushed and everybody pees on each other and throws their feces like in Gorillas In the Mist and then they all go home and get date-raped? Because if it is, then I don’t really know much about it.

Yours in Christ,