The Breakfast Table

What Al Gore Doesn’t Want You To Know

Dear Mim:

If, as I postulated in my book, Hello Kitty is a conspiracy of very small girls to take over the world, I wish they would hurry up and get their act together, because I absolutely do not think they could do a worse job than very rich, old and middle-aged men. I say this with some authority since I have discovered conclusively that world may well be about to end.

This information came from the unlikely source of the normally ultraconservative London Sunday Telegraph, in which Jenny McCartney reports how a United Nations science project has discovered things are much worse than we hitherto imagined. A quarter of the world’s mammals are at serious risk of extinction, 80 percent of the forests have now been cleared, and most coral reefs are either dead or dying. This is not to mention the huge chunks of ice that keep falling off Antarctica, or the radiation fallout from the Japanese nuclear plant accident that we’re expecting momentarily here on the West Coast. I’m somewhat surprised our imminent demise has been ignored by the U.S. media, and entirely disappointed that the Post couldn’t have come up with a headline like “Planet Earth–Fat Lady About To Sing.” Even Al (Eco-boy) Gore has kept quiet on this one, although I suspect his handlers told him to ix-nay on the pocalypse-ay, not only because folks don’t want to hear the bad news but also because of all those voters who believe that the United Nations will annex the country during Y2K chaos, take away our guns, and put us all in camps. (Believe me, they’re out there. I met of lots of them while I was promoting my conspiracy book.)

Since I’m about as daunted by the prospect of walking around with a sign saying “The End Is At Hand” as you are by public speaking, I will take the entirely selfish way out. Feed the cat, hope things hold together long enough for my next two novels to get into print, watch a lot of E! Channel TV, and resume all vices, since mere self-destruction no longer matters. It’d be nice to make enough money to spend the last days in the Roppongi red-light district of Tokyo. I was there with my band earlier in the year and it seemed the perfect place to spend Armageddon. The Hello Kitty uprising might also be in full swing. Tiny schoolgirls with automatic weapons putting Klebold and Harris to shame.

I don’t believe Bob Dylan wears a toupee, but I will ask Susan, she knows about these things. (There is no hair inside the Gates of Eden?) My last word on the Backstreet Boys is that Howard Stern has a magnificent parody of “I Want It That Way” called “Get KY.”

If nothing more fascinating comes up, remind me tomorrow to tell you why George W. is really being given so much money to get elected. My authority on this is no less than Jane’s Defense Weekly, so watch out. Also, did you see that the Enquirer has an interview with the mother of one of Kathie Lee’s slave garment workers in El Salvador? Maybe this world should be doomed.