News Quiz

No. 328: “Hello, Wieners”

A study by the Department of Health and Human Services shows that kids are four times as likely to do it on Halloween as on any other evening. Do what?

Send your answer by noon ET Thursday to

Tuesday’s Question (No. 327)–“Haider Go Seek”:

Two weeks ago, Jörg Haider led his far-right Freedom Party to a stunning second-place finish in Austria’s national elections; two weeks from now, he’s coming to America. To do what?

“To celebrate with the Atlanta Braves on yet another stunning second-place finish in the World Series.”–David Lott (Dale Shuger had a similar answer.)

“Find a bride. Wacky high jinks ensue. Art Buchwald has already filed a lawsuit.”–Tim Carvell (similarly, Steven Davis and Jon W. Davis)

“Buy a ton of candy corn in the half-price Halloween sales.”–Merrill Markoe

“I guess I should be paying more attention to this charter revision thing, huh?”–Daniel Radosh

“Check out Kurt Waldheim’s old office at the United Nations; see if the swastika Kurt carved into the desk is still there.”–Timothy Surdyk

Click for more answers.

Randy’s Wrap-Up

This question generated, by far, a record number of “similarlies” all focused on Pat Buchanan’s politics. Unavoidable, I suppose. Cartoons, sitcoms, and political campaigns conjure up characters with a single, instantly recognizable characteristic. Daffy Duck is, well, daffy; Phoebe from Friends is, OK, well she’s daffy too; and Pat Buchanan is … OK, never mind. But to sustain him as a viable comic foil through next November, we’ll need to observe him in a more particular and nuanced way, or pray that he develops webbed feet, like Phoebe, and a quirky sex appeal, like Daffy. There’s something about that duck. I wonder if he’s ever considered joining a new political party.

Is It Hard To Run in Those Jackboots Answer

Jörg Haider will be in the States on Sunday, Nov. 7, to run in the New York City marathon. He will be wearing number 5777. Despite protests, race officials have declined either to eject Haider or to reroute the event to keep him out of Williamsburg, a Hasidic neighborhood in Brooklyn.

Although it is, of course, impossible to know how the authorities will deal with this potentially volatile confrontation, the mayor has already praised the police for their wisdom, restraint, and all around good looks in handling the situation, and dismissed those who disagree as “publicity-seeking idiots.” Or perhaps he hasn’t.

Not Pandering, Catering Extra

Under the slogan, “Another Great Reason To Be a Woman” (feel free to make up your own jokes about some of those other reasons), Oxygen Media (Marcy Carsey, Tom Werner, and Caryn Mandabach, Gerry Laybourne, Oprah Winfrey) has launched its Web site and announced the shows it will start airing on Feb. 2 on television (a box consisting of a cathode ray tube, a receiver and … oh, screw it). Some actual highlights along with some actual snarky remarks.

  • Inhale, 6 a.m.
    “High-energy yoga?” Isn’t that a contradiction? Well, no. We just won’t stand for doing anything the same old way.–It’s yoga with attitude. No, wait: It’s yoga for the new millennium. It’s yoga, Cajun-style. Wait, wait, come back …
  • Oxygen.Comedy, 6-8 p.m.
    “It all starts off with two unorthodox game shows including our take on the classic I’ve Got a Secret.”–Retread game shows? OK, as it turns out, we WILL stand for doing some things the same old way.
  • Pure Oxygen, 8-10 p.m.
    At Pure Oxygen, we talk with women, not at them, in a fluid production style that breaks down the wall between the viewers, the crew and the on-air personalities.–If you’ve ever broken down the wall between yourself and a union stage hand, I’m not sure you’d cheerfully do it again.
  • Exhale With Candice Bergen, M-F, 10-11 p.m.
    Whew! Was that a day or what? Time for women to take a deep breath, reflect, relax and get inspired with our nightly hour-long conversation (not a talk show) between a celebrated woman and the most interesting people of the day.–And those leather things she’s wearing on her feet? Not shoes.
  • shE-commerce, Weekends, 8 a.m.-2 p.m.
    OK, we’re women. We shop. Thank God for the Internet!--This may seem sexist, but it’s not: It’s gurrrll power, like at Sears.
  • WeSweat, Weekends, 4-6 p.m.
    Whether it’s team sports, rock climbing or just strutting around the block, there’s an athlete burning inside every woman. Oxygen celebrates that spirit with WeSweat, a two-hour weekend block.–Strutting: I believe that’s a demonstration sport in the next Olympics. And incidentally, doesn’t the suck-up form require it to be shE sweat?
  • X-Chromosome, Sat., 8:30-9 p.m., Sun., 7:30-8 p.m.
    Breaking the rules and mining hot new talent–two things Oxygen does best–collide head-on in an explosive new animation series for women.–I believe Kathy Lee Gifford said the same thing about working conditions in her factory in Guatemala.
  • Pyjama Party, Sat., 11 p.m.-12 a.m.
    Think writers, artists and musicians, but don’t think too hard–this is fun!--This is the listing that made Susan B. Anthony burst the confines of her coffin, drive down to South Carolina to purchase an inexpensive and easily obtainable handgun, take the red-eye to Hollywood, and clean house. (Not a talk show.)
  • Oprah Goes Online, 12-part series
    She’s the most powerful woman in television. An accomplished entertainer and successful entrepreneur. Nothing gets in her way. Nothing, that is, except the computer.–And next season, a 24-parter, Oprah learns to set her VCR.

Common Denominator

Soul kissing Pat Buchanan … in Disneyland!