News Quiz

No. 306: “Faintness, Nausea, Disneyness”

Something in Disney World is irritating both Arabs and Israelis. What? (Question courtesy of Dave Gaffin.)

Send your answer by noon ET Tuesday to

Thursday’s Question (No. 305)–“Safe Sects”:

On Wednesday, the Xinhua news agency described a step China has taken to ensure “social stability and safety” during their big 50 Years of Revolutionary Rule celebration set for Oct. 1. What did China do?

“No to chopsticks. Yes to Sporks.”–Jon W. Davis

“Tanks and plenty of ‘em!”–Judith Spencer (David Mayer had a similarly tankful answer.)

“Relaxed the age requirements on infanticide.”–Matt Sullivan (similarly, Joy Nolan)

“Promised to unretire all the Beanie Babies.”–Brooke Saucier (similarly, Sean Fitzpatrick)

“Increased funding to ‘Just Say No to Acts of Counterrevolutionary Hooliganism’ campaign in elementary schools.”–Keith Kurtz

Click for more answers.

Randy’s Wrap-Up

Observational humor, that’s what we trade in here. I observe that 50 years ago Mad magazine observed the popularity of Chinese restaurants with an elegant piece of satire called “Two Chinese Guys Go Into an American Restaurant.” They had some trouble pronouncing ba-con-an-eh-guh-zuh and manipulating the “fork.”

Many News Quiz participants observed that around the same time, when Sinatra was still a liberal and still alive, he made The House I Live In featuring the moving and melodious: “That’s What the People’s Republic of China Is to Me,” a musical observation of China’s many restaurants, female infanticide, and brutal suppression of dissent.

If I were running the moribund Hard Rock Cafe, here’s what I’d want to observe about Chinese life: restaurants + oppression = potential theme restaurants, and a magnet for investments from the usual crowd of Hollywood patsies.

We’re not just an amusing topical quiz, we’re part of America’s robust economic growth in pop culture crap! Ask your broker about us, or visit us online at … well, I guess you’re already visiting us online. So just go ahead and type in your credit card number. I’ll be over here, not peeking.

Preventive Detention Answer

China has rounded up 100,000 “criminals.”

In addition to the festive mass arrests, the Chinese plan a parade of 140,000 people along with troops, tanks, rockets, and 90 floats, including one bearing 30 leading fashion models. In a first for official celebrations, there will be handicapped people in wheelchairs and a contingent of private businessmen, chairs unannounced.

The parade will be broadcast live on the Internet at

Shallow Sloganizing Extra

The Web sites of each major presidential hopeful feature an inspirational slogan that encapsulate the candidate’s vision for America. Can you name the candidate for each of these rallying cries?


1. Prosperity With a Purpose

2. It’s Principle That Counts

3. The Best Prescription Is Knowledge

4. A Man’s Got To Know His Limitations

5. Advancing America’s Values

6. Family, Faith, Freedom

7. He Wants You To Win

8. He Wants You To Mock Ron Perelman

9. America First

10. Now and Always


1. George W. Bush: That purpose? To fight the wave of evil flying monkeys shooting up so many schools and churches, and to buy a nicer boat.

2. Alan Keyes: I believe he bought up Nixon’s old “Experience Counts” buttons and did some deft Magic Marker work. The principle? Thriftiness. And goofball economics.

3. Dr. C. Everett Koop: Not a candidate, but always a front-runner in the nation’s heart, a part of the body for which he can suggest effective (and surprisingly affordable) treatments.

4. Clint Eastwood: Not running, but he’s so lean and leathery that if he did, he could count on big money from the skin cream PACs. Might have to tweak slogan to “A Man’s Got To Know His Limitations and His Gentle Emollients.” But politics is the art of compromise, for money.

5. Gary Bauer: Chosen over the livelier: It’s Like the Taliban, Christian-Style!

6. Family Research Council: Not a candidate. And not a family, and not doing any research, but might be some kind of council.

7. Steve Forbes: He wants me to win, and I want him to say more about his father’s sex life; we’re both going to be disappointed.

8. I believe that one’s mine.

9. Pat Buchanan: The scary thing, he undoubtedly knows the history of that slogan and that movement.

10. Coca-Cola: Not a candidate, but could be just the thing Dr. Koop prescribes for a balky ticker. I should check.

Ongoing Shallow Sloganizing Follow-Up

Participants are invited to devise slogans for the following candidates whose sites display no slogans or, in the case of Ms. Dole, have been inaccessible for weeks. Replies to run Thursday.

* John McCain

* Dan Quayle

* Al Gore

* Elizabeth Dole

  Common Denominator

Too much MSG, too many tanks.