Porcine screenwriter John Milius praises it as “another link between Hollywood and the military that seems to have broken down over the years.” What is it?
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Tuesday’s Question (No. 291)–“Ocelots”: Researchers in Dallas tried ocelot scent and rat feces but neither worked as well as Calvin Klein Obsession for Men. What were they trying to do?
“Develop a pheromone so selective that Charlton Heston would have virtually no chance to take home the prize in his own ‘look-alike’ contest.”–Gene Cluster
“Determine whether or not obsession really does lie between madness and delusion. Turns out it lies between cat piss and rat poop”–Flloyd Elliot
“Give Liddy Dole shivery fits so that she would muff reporters’ questions about her stance on Medicaid abortion. Obvious Bush campaign dirty trick–and it worked!”–Katha Pollitt
“Find a smell that evoked the atmosphere of lonely bachelors’ homes.”–David Ballard
“Get me all hot.”–Dennis Cass
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I don’t know how Randy does it (Chorus of voices: “YOU’RE TELLING US!”). For the last three days I’ve been tempting carpal tunnel while cutting and then uncutting very funny News Quiz answers. It’s hard to choose, because so many of them make me laugh and laugh until people who should by all rights fear me barge into my office and tell me to get a grip. In the end, of course, the Top 5 Quiz slots go to friends or people I owe money, but that’s no reflection on the rest of you. If you don’t usually read the second page of the Quiz you should, and I feel I’ve been only cheating myself all these months by just looking for my own name and secret encrypted love talk from Beth Sherman.
Colleen Werthmann is doing a show called “SHE HATES HER SUPERVISOR” next Monday at the Westbeth Theatre, 151 Bank St., New York. It’s free and if you want reservations you can call (212) 603-1844.
Researchers at the Dallas Zoo have been looking for a scent that will encourage their ocelots to breed. “We thought about what would work with them and used things like rat feces and ocelot scent,” says research curator Dr. Cynthia Bennett. “Then on a lark my research technician brought in cologne because a lot of other animals like it and we put Obsession out and our ocelots went wild over it.”
Bennett’s team isn’t just doing this for kicks, although I wouldn’t put it past them, knowing Bennett, which I don’t. They also want to find a way to create “scent corridors” so that scattered packs of ocelots, living in the wild, can find each other and mate.
Sponsoring a highway has proved to be such a cheap and effective way for corporations and celebrities to generate good will; maybe these same groups could be encouraged to pony up for a few miles of scent corridor. I’m just blue-skying here, but wouldn’t you feel a lot better about your phone bill if you saw a sign that said something like, “The Next Two Miles of Horny Ocelots Are Brought to You by Sprint”?
There is no Quiz Extra. I’m just a substitute. Sit quietly until the bell.
George W. Bush, the Dallas Cowboys, the rub of love.