The Breakfast Table

Monica for Senate

Dear Dan,

Phew. I thought we were going to have to talk about Kosovo. I have nothing to say about Kosovo. When it comes up in conversation, I just shake my head in a knowing way, suggesting I am so very troubled, I cannot speak about it. In fact, Kosovo confuses me because the side I would instinctively be on–the pacifist wimp side–is the very side that all the politicians I hate are on. If you had brought Kosovo up, I was planning to resort to a trick I learned in college from a friend who decided to study only mollusks the night before her natural science exam. As it turned out, the exam was about deciduous trees. “Much has been written about deciduous trees,” she opened her essay, “so let us now turn to mollusks …”

Unfortunately, I don’t know about mollusks either, or much of anything, for that matter. (Don’t you wish you’d sat at a different Breakfast Table?) I listened to NPR late last night, hoping I could crib an insightful opinion. Unfortunately, the “Rural Report” from Australia was on the air. By the way, when I lived in England, one of the TV channels closed down every broadcast in the early morning with “Badger Watch.” As the camera came close on the base of a tree in the forest, a reporter speculated endlessly in hushed tones whether this indeed would be the night the badger came out. I found “Badger Watch” highly entertaining, but then again, I like baseball.

Which brings me, though not in logical or even sane way, to your Mrs. Giles and a plug for your book, The Treatment. Mrs. Giles must have taught you something because your new book, The Treatment (important to mention the title as many times as I can both for promotional purposes and to get my word count up), is a wonderful book. The Treatment, The Treatment, The Treatment, The Treatment, The Treatment–available on Also speaking of Mrs. Giles and junior high: Like you, I was a smartass. On a math test, I wrote: “God only knows the answers.” The teacher’s comment?: “God gets an A. You flunk.”

Dan, do you think we could make the news rather than comment on it? I’m not good on facts; I prefer, um, being creative. Here’s a start: Monica Lewinsky is going to run for the Senate seat in New York. What do you think her platform will be? Intern rights? Tax breaks for the hosts of Saturday Night Live? Real eggs for breakfast?

Yours until Amy Fisher gets out of jail … whoops, I mean longer than that.


P.S.: Pass the sugar.