All You Need Is Love

Chatterbox, in his ceaseless quest to find time-wasting Web sites, recently came upon the Love Calculator, which is designed to “calculate the probability on [sic] a successful relationship between two people.” You enter two names, push the “calculate” button, and voila! A link that purports to explain how the Love Calculator works merely says that it was created by Thijs Kinkhorst and Matthijs Sypkens Smit, and that it has won a lot of awards and has been featured on TV and radio. Chatterbox sent an e-mail to “Dr. Love” to find out more about the science behind the Love Calculator. The letter was returned to him as undeliverable. Oh well. Anyway, here are some love matches, real and imagined, that Chatterbox tried out, along with the Love Calculator’s estimated likelihood of success:

Romeo and Juliet–98%
Tristan and Isolde–56%
Abelard and Heloise–92%
Zeus and Hera–27%
Pyramus and Thisbe–15%
Antony and Cleopatra–85%
Caesar and Cleopatra–68%
Bob Dole and Elizabeth Hanford–18%
Robert Dole and Elizabeth Hanford–66%
Elizabeth Dole and George W. Bush–28%
Liddy Dole and George W. Bush–45%
Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky–27%
Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham–23%
Bill Clinton and Kathleen Willey–64%
Bill Clinton and Paula Jones–27%
Bill Clinton and Ken Starr–75%
Oprah Winfrey and Steadman Graham–58%
Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt–54%
Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck–91%
Gwyneth Paltrow and Joseph Fiennes–28%
Gwyneth Paltrow and William Shakespeare–84%
Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones–51%
Al D’Amato and Chuck Schumer–55%
Al D’Amato and Candace Bushnell–88%
Ben Bradlee and Sally Quinn–71%
Peter Kann and Karen Elliot House–28%
Elizabeth Taylor and Any Man Alive–67%
Larry King and Any Woman Alive–97%
Larry King and Marlon Brando–82%
Mariah Carey and Tommy Mottola–27%
Mariah Carey and Luis Miguel–47%
Matt Damon and Winona Ryder–75%
Prince Edward and Sophie Rhys-Jones–97%
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore–45%
Michael Isikoff and Lucianne Goldberg–66%
Jonah Goldberg and Lucianne Goldberg–42%
Linda Tripp and Lucianne Goldberg–87%
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley–85%
Michael Jackson and Michael Jackson–22%
David Duchovny and Tea Leoni–65%
Drew Barrymore and Edward Norton–66%
Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche–68%
Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt–68%
Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall–46%
William Shawn and Lillian Ross–84%
Kathy Lee Epstein and Frank Gifford–86%
Jane Fonda and Ted Turner–71%
Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden–88%
Jane Fonda and Roger Vadim–44%
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee–69%
Sonny and Cher–45%
Sonny and Mary–32%
Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt–58%
Laura Dern and Billy Bob Thornton–49%
Frank Sinatra and Nancy Reagan–14%
Bill Gates and Melinda French–71%
Jerry Seinfeld and Jessica Sklar–29%
Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshona Lonstein–79%
Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker–52%
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown–52%
George Lucas and Jabba the Hutt–82%

Emily Yoffe contributed to this article.