Today on G-SPAN

Programming for the All-Federal-Reserve-Chairman Channel, Tuesday, Dec. 22, 1998.

06:30 a.m.Federal Reserve Board Open Markets Committee Meeting Preview: Discussion of today’s much-anticipated session. Will A.G. lower interest rates yet again? All humankind waits breathlessly.

06:50 a.m.(approx.) Continuous G-SPAN shower and breakfast coverage from outside the chairman’s house.

08:00 a.m.Agenda: Press briefing on the chairman’s meeting, phone call, coffee, and bathroom schedule for the day. Immediate futures market analysis from London and Frankfurt.

09:00 a.m.MugWatch: Recap of chairman’s facial expressions during the previous week. Comparisons to previous pre-FROMC smile-to-grimace-to-frown ratios and their correlations to interest rate moves. Guest: Dr. Alan Tch, Johns Hopkins neuropsychology department.

09:30 a.m. Rate day coverage begins with the full G-SPAN team reporting from the New York Stock Exchange floor: Sandy Walsh (mood), Dan Haskins (sentiment), Alicia Geller (feeling), Bill Lupin (flavor).

11:00 a.m.ChartWatch: G-SPAN’s Anna Maria the Omniscient reports on the state of the chairman’s moon in Saturn. Viewer call-in.

Note:All below programming subject to pre-emption for the rate announcement and total blitzkrieglike worldwide market fallout.

12:15 p.m. G-SPAN Special Report: The Chairman’s Lunch. Correspondent Bradley Yeldarb orders “what the Big Guy’s having” from the Fed’s catering service and reports on its likely emoto-digestive consequences.

12:30 p.m.The Chairman’s Lunch–Wall Street Responds: Live 45 person fiber-optic minicam microwave-satellite team coverage from all over the place.

01:00 p.m.Leading Indicators: French or regular? Historical impact of the chairman’s choice of cuffs on the discount rate. Panelists: Barbara Whoom (Smith Barney), Paul Miller (Bear Stearns), Stanley Groute (Bergdorf Goodman).

02:00 p.m. Ongoing rate day coverage of traders waiting, guessing, floating rumors, cursing, waiting.

03:30 p.m.G-SPANLifeStyles: Today, hair care extraordinaire. The chair shares where, for fear of glare, he dares not Nair. Aware his hair is debonair, he wears it with a rare, square flair. Later: Tony Blair eats Comice pears with aged Gruyère–c’estsavoir faire.

04:00 p.m. Closing Bell.

04:05 p.m. Speech: President Clinton unveils major new fiscal policy initiative. (Tape delayed from 10:00 a.m.)

04:15 p.m. Complete, in-depth G-SPAN analysis of the president’s policy and its probable effect on finance and the economy.

04:17 p.m. Complete, in-depth analysis of the chairman’s new WaterPik and its probable effect on finance and the economy.

07:30 p.m. Andrea Mitchell reads inspirational selections from The Fountainhead (prerecorded).

08:00 p.m.The Alan Greenspan Personal Phone Call Hour.

09:00 p.m.Decision 2006: Will A.G. be reappointed to the Fed board when his current 14 year term is up? Possible candidates for the presidential race of 2004 speak out on this pressing issue.

10:00 p.m.Laffer Riot: Hilarious outtakes from the chairman’s mid-1990s congressional testimony. Tonight’s nutty bloopers: A.G. coughs for several consecutive seconds, effectively splitting an infinitive; mistakenly addresses Senate Finance Committee member Don Nickles, R-Okla., as “congressman”; projects only 1.9 percent GDP growth for Calendar 1996.

11:40 p.m.(approx.)SleepWatch: Overnight G-SPAN BedCam coverage. Closed-captioned vital signs. Satellite remotes from Nikkei and Hang Seng as REM events warrant.