Since Pat Conroy has explained that he is an artist and I have a long standing commitment to support the arts, I wish to offer him the following suggestions:
Gone With The Wind–Scarlett comes dressed in her drapes to an Atlanta Braves game. Ted is immediately drawn to her, like a curtain. Jane is looking for a tofu-dog at the time leaving a window for the wily Scarlett. Meanwhile Rhett has become the headmaster of the Citadel; this should appeal to Pat since he went to one of those Lords of Discipline schools (and since he’s rewriting Gone With the Wind with the permission of the Pat Conroy estate). If you’re looking for motivation and Rhett’s qualifications for headmaster, Rhett won the Citadel in a poker game and has installed Belle Watkins (wasn’t she the Madame, as dean of students?). Scarlett introduces herself to Ted as Mel Karmazins, the new president of CBS and major stockholder, as his long-lost daughter and drapes herself over Ted. Jane runs into sensitive Ashley at the tofu stand; Ashley says he wants to be governor of Minnesota, given the state of politics. But as a Georgia resident he is sensitive that he will be seen as a dirty carpetbagger.
Back at the game Ted suddenly gasps, “I forgot I’m married.” Scarlett laughs, “Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.” Headmaster Butler decides to admit the waitresses from the local Hooters as the first class of women at the Citadel. They are an instant success. Attendance is up 100 percent. Even President Clinton, the commander-in-chief, is eager to meet all the first year plebes.
However, just before midterms Headmaster Butler confronts his first crisis–the entire female class is with child. They confront him at his office, where he replies, “I don’t know ‘bout birthin’ no babies.” He turns the matter over to school nurse “Prissy,” grateful that Georgia is a pro-choice state.
Ted realizes he can acquire CBS with the help of Scarlett. Jane is eager to run against Jesse “The Body” Ventura, since her body is better. Belle Watkins comforts Rhett and tells him, “As God is my witness tomorrow is another day.”